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Undiagnosed AS in AS-NT relationship

doc.s

Hi

I don't know if any AS people here can advise.  I've posted on other forums but think I may get more response here.

I have been in a predominantly long-distance relationship with a guy who has massively obvious AS traits... but seems not to really recognise it/identify as such.  We have had various conversations where his descriptions of what he calls 'the way he is' are text-book AS yet now he appears completely unaware.

All was going really well until, for a range of possible/likely reasons after coming home/repatriating, he withdrew and shutdown completely.  I finally tracked him down (after three weeks of him being 'missing') - he is hiding out in his mum's house. I called him there and after saying he'd call me back, then not doing, then not answering the phone, he emailed and said it was 'best' if we didn't see each other.  He said until he's in a good place it was wrong to involve anyone else.  My sixth sense screamed at me that he didn't actually want me to go away - but was pushing me away ?why. 

I went to see him that afternoon and as soon as he opened the door he said, and it was obvious, that he was pleased to see me.  Amongst other things I told him that I wasn't about to walk away from him and that if he wanted me to go away and not try to contact him again he would have to tell me so.  I asked if that's what he wanted and he said 'no'. I told him that I love him. 

We chatted for 40 mins and he gave me three huge hugs (the third was extremely long for him - has given quite brief hugs previously) in that time... and said 'we'll see how it goes, see how I am next week, maybe we could do dinner'.  I rather think he was being overoptimistic but would like to be able to do that...

Now, I am certain that the whole picture is one of AS... but don't think he knows.  I don't know his mother to speak to about this, really, but know she's worried about him.

I have sent him a postcard just to tell him I'm thinking of him and will wait.

I'm wondering if there's anything else I can do to help at all?  What I want to achieve is that he is comfortable to, and does, get in touch with me when he's able.  If I could establish some communication with his mother that would be great too, but my main objective is to maintain what relationship I have had with him.

If anyone has any advice for me I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you.

Parents

  • Although I obviously had AS (I've only just been diagnosed at the age of 62), when I was younger, I didn't know.  Such a condition was not known to exist out of the journals of psychiatry and psychology. 

    But I was young once (and still am if the truth be told).  And my experience with relationships was that I just did not know how to handle it.  I liked the idea, but could not continue seeing someone past the first couple of dates.  Not even knowing what to do on a date didn't help (I didn't like socialising although I tried to fit in, and things like a restaurant was a real no-no for me). 

    So I think you will have to have an enormous amount of patience.  I know the person who became my first wife certainly had a great deal of patience).  And understanding.  Knowing that sometimes he will say things he doesn't mean.  And I certainly wouldn't have thanked anyone for trying to change me.

    So if you have the patience, and considering the long term implications, you want to continue, don't give up on him yet.  It may not be easy.  Let him express himself, listen and take an interest in what he has to say and don't judge. And if you are serious, you never know what will happen.

Reply

  • Although I obviously had AS (I've only just been diagnosed at the age of 62), when I was younger, I didn't know.  Such a condition was not known to exist out of the journals of psychiatry and psychology. 

    But I was young once (and still am if the truth be told).  And my experience with relationships was that I just did not know how to handle it.  I liked the idea, but could not continue seeing someone past the first couple of dates.  Not even knowing what to do on a date didn't help (I didn't like socialising although I tried to fit in, and things like a restaurant was a real no-no for me). 

    So I think you will have to have an enormous amount of patience.  I know the person who became my first wife certainly had a great deal of patience).  And understanding.  Knowing that sometimes he will say things he doesn't mean.  And I certainly wouldn't have thanked anyone for trying to change me.

    So if you have the patience, and considering the long term implications, you want to continue, don't give up on him yet.  It may not be easy.  Let him express himself, listen and take an interest in what he has to say and don't judge. And if you are serious, you never know what will happen.

Children
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