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Undiagnosed AS in AS-NT relationship

doc.s

Hi

I don't know if any AS people here can advise.  I've posted on other forums but think I may get more response here.

I have been in a predominantly long-distance relationship with a guy who has massively obvious AS traits... but seems not to really recognise it/identify as such.  We have had various conversations where his descriptions of what he calls 'the way he is' are text-book AS yet now he appears completely unaware.

All was going really well until, for a range of possible/likely reasons after coming home/repatriating, he withdrew and shutdown completely.  I finally tracked him down (after three weeks of him being 'missing') - he is hiding out in his mum's house. I called him there and after saying he'd call me back, then not doing, then not answering the phone, he emailed and said it was 'best' if we didn't see each other.  He said until he's in a good place it was wrong to involve anyone else.  My sixth sense screamed at me that he didn't actually want me to go away - but was pushing me away ?why. 

I went to see him that afternoon and as soon as he opened the door he said, and it was obvious, that he was pleased to see me.  Amongst other things I told him that I wasn't about to walk away from him and that if he wanted me to go away and not try to contact him again he would have to tell me so.  I asked if that's what he wanted and he said 'no'. I told him that I love him. 

We chatted for 40 mins and he gave me three huge hugs (the third was extremely long for him - has given quite brief hugs previously) in that time... and said 'we'll see how it goes, see how I am next week, maybe we could do dinner'.  I rather think he was being overoptimistic but would like to be able to do that...

Now, I am certain that the whole picture is one of AS... but don't think he knows.  I don't know his mother to speak to about this, really, but know she's worried about him.

I have sent him a postcard just to tell him I'm thinking of him and will wait.

I'm wondering if there's anything else I can do to help at all?  What I want to achieve is that he is comfortable to, and does, get in touch with me when he's able.  If I could establish some communication with his mother that would be great too, but my main objective is to maintain what relationship I have had with him.

If anyone has any advice for me I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you.

Parents

  • After taking me out for dinner just over a week ago, I try to get in touch with him again by email and receive (a day later) a couple of paragraphs of how he is, how everything is fine, he's doing well, he's decided he's not going to settle in the UK... (though 8 days ago he told me he was planning on 'staying local'... before that, for a long time, was always going to settle abroad)... and then he writes..


    "But you need to move on from me. We can keep in contact as friends but I now know I cannot be tied to a relationship, and so its is best that we close things off before it becomes more intense.
    I just cant face that responsibility and I hope you will appreciate that I am honest enough to state my true position. I wish you all the very best for the future and it will always be good to hear your news, but I believe its best we dont meet when I get back."

    Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch.

    I hurt like hell but maybe it's all for the best.

    He's has some weird views if he thinks I have friends who believe 'it's best we don't meet' (!) and for whom I have no contact details other than an email address... and who think it's okay to end a relationship by email at all.

    Part of me thinks he doesn't want to see me when he comes back because he knows he can't stay resolute if I'm in front of him and he 'feels' stuff.  I don't think I can give him the choice: I am worth more.

Reply

  • After taking me out for dinner just over a week ago, I try to get in touch with him again by email and receive (a day later) a couple of paragraphs of how he is, how everything is fine, he's doing well, he's decided he's not going to settle in the UK... (though 8 days ago he told me he was planning on 'staying local'... before that, for a long time, was always going to settle abroad)... and then he writes..


    "But you need to move on from me. We can keep in contact as friends but I now know I cannot be tied to a relationship, and so its is best that we close things off before it becomes more intense.
    I just cant face that responsibility and I hope you will appreciate that I am honest enough to state my true position. I wish you all the very best for the future and it will always be good to hear your news, but I believe its best we dont meet when I get back."

    Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch.

    I hurt like hell but maybe it's all for the best.

    He's has some weird views if he thinks I have friends who believe 'it's best we don't meet' (!) and for whom I have no contact details other than an email address... and who think it's okay to end a relationship by email at all.

    Part of me thinks he doesn't want to see me when he comes back because he knows he can't stay resolute if I'm in front of him and he 'feels' stuff.  I don't think I can give him the choice: I am worth more.

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