Self Employment Support

Hi to all,

Firstly, apologies for any waffling. I tend to agonise over my words, grammer, punctuation for ages before I post anything or on occassions just delete and walk away. Today though, I am just going to type and send (even saying that panicks me a little).

I am fairly new to all this. My son has recently been highlighted as having autism. I won't lie, things have been tough. Over the last few years, things have been getting quite tough for me, I have been in many full time occupations, always working my way up to management or going straight in at that level. I have even created new roles for myself in workplaces. For the most part these have been in office or call centre enviroments. I was good at what i did and even trained others dure to this. I was always loyal and dedicated to the organisational goals, procedures and values. On more than one occassion, I have been made redundant and went through the job search process.

I have always had period of great depression and some anxiety but this was never a dealt with issue. Recentley, I have became increasingly more depressed at periods. Anxiety seems to have taken a big leap to the point it takes over my body. I even developed ticks/twitches.

After the latest redundancy, I managed to find another job quite quickly. I walked in with confidence, I excelled at the training, I then started the "normal" shift. I was about to start the 2nd day of "normal" shifts and suddenly, I broke down, in floods of tears. I won't go in to too much detail but I was soon after medicated for anxiety and depression. It didn't make much difference. I was guinea pigged on different medicines. After discussion with GP it was then suggested I may have aspergers. Things seemed to make sense then.

Now on to the point of all this. The idea of working in an office, actually, just about anywhere I can think of, sends me in to a mix of anxiety, depression, ticks, etc. I have a fear of money too. I just can't discuss it. My head is filled with a million different thoughts at once.

I have always drew cartoons, sketches, etc. Recentley people have suggested doing that as a living. I have many friends in the industry of comics, writing, artists. I attend comic fairs and conventions. Here I feel most confident. I believe in my art, I believe it would sell. My real question is. What do I do. To start with, I wont make much money. I am on ESA. Would this be affected? The money fear then creeps back in and I don't want this to hold me back from my dreams. Who do I speak with? I can't speak on the phone. I am afraid I won't say the right things or I will miss something out. I fear people will think I'm a liar. I think people will say, "well if you can do that you can just get a "proper job".

I just cannot go back in to "standard" employment. I don't believe in it any more. I see it as pointless, no add value. I have nothing against people who do it, I just can't. But I don't want to appear like a cop out. I don't want to appear as though I just dont want to work.

I don't even know if any of this makes sense or if it will be read. If you have read it or even replied, thank you.