Advice needed! Boyfriend with suspected aspergers.

Hi there.....I happen to actually have Aspergers. Eventually there IS a point in your life you MUST do some shadow work on yourself regardless what's wrong with you or not. In this case it sounds like he DOESN'T want to change. People like us are shown we're easily replaced and don't mean *** to NOBODY. Let alone in a relationship. I didn't become the man I am now without holding back my pride and seeing that I DO have some toxicity that must go in order to receive the love I always wanted and KNOW I deserve. We still need (Myself personally) reassurance at least once or twice every couple months and see our significant other at least once a week but we try our best. I'm sure you DIDN'T do ANYTHING to make him jealous if you did I'd understand his anger. But it sounds to me he's got personal issues that need healing. The only way you would be able to make it work with him would be HIS realization to change. I hope this helped in some way even just a small way is good for me. My own realization is what changed me....take care friend.

Hi Kempy,

I’m sorry you and your former partner are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening.

If you believe he is unable to cope with distress or despair, it’s very important he tells someone about his feelings or thoughts, especially if these are regarding suicide. You could suggest that he calls his GP and makes an urgent appointment. His GP can make sure he gets appropriate help and support.

If it’s outside his GP hours he could also call  111  to reach the NHS 111 service::   http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx

The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 08457 90 90 90 (or 1850 60 90 90 in the Republic of Ireland), or by email on jo@samaritans.org.

MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that he may find helpful.

If you believe he is very close to doing something to hurt himself you can also call 999 or urge him to do the same and/or to go to his nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support him and make sure he gets ongoing support.

If he, or indeed yourself, need help with an autism related issue, our helpline can be contacted on 0808 800 4104 Monday-Thursday 10am - 4pm, Friday 9am - 3pm

I hope the situation for both of you improves in the near future. All the best,

Nellie-Mod

Personally, I feel his behaviour is emotional blackmail, but there are so many different views on things. Its down to the repeated attempts to try and get a response from you, not just a single event.

I don't know if your number is a mobile or landline, but have a word with your provider and explain the situation and see if you can get a different number if they can't block voice messages.

You clearly have feelings for him, and it is a difficult situation. You can't suddenly switch off your emotions when breaking away from a close relationship. It takes time, and having to deal with his behavior on top of that places a heavy burden on you.

Random

Thanks for sharing your experience. I have blocked all contact from him, everything from whatsapp, emails, facebook. However despite blocking his number he is still able to leave me voicemails, and they're very worrying and the last time he left a message, I could hear he was driving and he was absolutely distraught, so I felt I had to call him to tell him to pull the car over and calm down! Is this blackmail??

I suppose the hardest thing about this is I still love him and would love to have given things another chance, but now all this has happened, I know that would be the wrong decision.

Hi Kempy,

I have been on both sides of this situation. When I was 19 I was in a pretty bad place, I was an undiagnosed aspie going into the adult world, dealing with a recent family tragedy, living away from home at university whilst also working a stressful part time job to finance myself. My frequent breakdowns and self pitying was just too much for my girlfriend to deal with and she left me. I couldn't accept it was over and begged, pleaded and said things that are completely out of character for me. Despite this she kept giving me false through agreeing to meet, saying we could get back together 1 day and even kissing me. This dragged the process of acceptance out far longer than it needed to be. We are friends now 10 years later.

I separated from the mother of my children last year. A week after she left, she changed her mind, I refused. Then the begging, pleading and blackmail began. Initially I replied and rationally provided my reasons why I would not reconcile. It continued. I then tried to ignore any messages that were not about the children. It continued. I then spoke to a solicitor and sent a cease and desist order. It continued. I spoke to her family and asked them to intervene. It continued. I threatened with the police and even that was not enough. It finally stopped after a policeman went round to her house and issued her with a notice and threatened her with arrest if she did not comply.

From my experience I would say the best thing you can do is to ignore. If that does not work then as others had suggested, blocking the number is your best option. If they continue to attempt to make contact and it is unwanted, then a police complaint is your final option, this can be done so they can just get a warning. The worst thing you can do is to offer any kind of olive branch until they have well and truly come to terms with the end of the relationship. The less contact you have the quicker that will happen. If we didn't have kids together, I would have gone straight to blocking the number.

And most importantly, remember you are not responsible for other people's feelings or actions. Do not succumb to blackmail and feel bad, that is the intent of the other person.

Thank you for all your advice and comments. I know it is the right thing to do to end all contact. I suppose I'm just finding it very difficult to walk away. He is such a complicated character, there's so many amazing things about him but at the same time so many issues. It's hard to accept this has turned out like this. 

Thanks for all your help.

Hi Kempy 

I don't know if your boyfriend is Autistic. Comparing your description to my knowledge - gained from real life and also from reading the experiences of male "Aspies" on here, I doubt that he is. 

You say you initially found him wonderful and "quirky" - but what does that mean? Anyone who has different ideas or interests to what is common can be called "quirky" - it doesn't necessarily make them Autistic.

Then you described a change as time went on: "... He was difficult to communicate with, could never see my view on things was jealous and domimant. He said and did things which were socially inappropriate, and my family found him very rude and arrogant."

Aspies can be difficult to communicate with and be unable to see another's point of view - however non Autistic people can also be difficult if they don't want to listen for some reason, such as they don't really value your opinion or want to be dominant - which is a word you use in your description of him. Aspie behaviour can be misinterpreted as rudeness or arrogance, but those closest to them know otherwise, however you have not challenged your family's interpretation. 

Depression and suicidal thoughts seem to be more common in Autistic people, but can happen to anyone. I can't imagine a rejected Aspie male continually arguing, begging, wailing and crying down a phone - I believe the more usual response would be for them to make a few hurtful remarks, as a verbal "lashing out" at a person who had hurt them, and then turn inwards, with behaviour often alternating between non responsiveness and recklessness.

Also, you haven't mentioned any behaviour or characteristics which would indicate some of the strongest traits of autism - stress, anxiety, and sensory sensitivities. 

But I don't have enough data - such as an AQ test result for example - to be absolutely certain. I'm an Aspie female, and we are a bit different to the males. And we're all individuals, so we won't all behave identically. 

My opinion from the information you've given would be that I think he's controlling and arrogant and you would be best following the advice Asparagus gave and making a clean break.

Sorry I can't be of more help, but I wish you all the best.

Thanks for posting, good hear your perspective on your relationship with your ex-partner. I agree with other replies, not to engage in any further contact. 

The suicidal feelings I expect is down to depression which is common in people with aspergers, but not part of aspergers. To use that to put pressure on you to rekindle the relationship, is abusive as far as I am concerned, along with some of the other behaviour you mention.

Personally, I can't relate the abusive behaviour in myself, but have heard about similar behaviour in relationships involving aspergers. I have experienced similar behaviour in my childhood with respect to the relationship between my parents.

I think you have done the right thing contacting his parents. It's a difficult situation, you have done nothing wrong, and are not responsible for his actions. He is being manipulative to gain some control over the situation (I am not saying he is not being genuine about his sucidal feelings)

Random

Hi Kempy,

I agree with Asparagus, restarting contact will only prolong the agony. You have done the right thing by contacting his family when he talked about suicide. Respond to them if you have any more messages and they can try to talk him around.

Mental health issues are common with Aspergers/autism so the breakdown isn't altogether surprising. It is entirely possible to have good mental health with Aspergers but if he is undiagnosed then this makes it harder.

You are not responsible for his reaction - look back with sadness but not anger - don't blame yourself or him for this situation.

dont answer or respond to his calls. Harder said than done admittedly.

I needed help and intervention being the one to wanting to break of a friendship which was only that nothing sexual or anything but i couldn't hand the level of text she was sending, and i do the same but some one who can shepherd them all as such.

Get the text to go to a spam box and ask a friend to delete.

If necessary change your number if it helps you not to reply back.

But you need a clean break or he will have even worse emotions about it.  It don't matter what diagnosis he may or not have. If you want to end the contact then be tough on yourself and end it.

If you really unsure like i say a new number or ask a friend to delete any text etc.