Published on 12, July, 2020
I am approaching my 47th birthday, (yet another birthday alone despite having a huge family) and although no less than three experts now think I am an Aspie, after waiting for my official testing day for over three years (after many decades of self-discovery and living Hell-On-Earth everyday) I chased up my testing to be told that I had waited too long and had to be reset, start the waiting period again. In that time I have become even more isolated from society than my norm, which was general isolation in the first place. Being a musician, I retreated into my headphones and I have stayed there for four years now. The shape of my head is actually changing because of this and no help from anyone.
So my question is, are there any other Aspies out there who can offer advice on coping with extreme isolation? After 10 years you kinda go numb, 15 years it becomes normal, but after 20 years of isolation now the only reason I do not kill myself is because I actually died in 1994 and had such a powerful NDE that I now believe karmically if I did kill myself I would have to start this hell all over again, so I endure, how do others endure?
What makes it worse is I had a very dangerous alcoholic Mother growing up, and being the eldest, I was the punch bag for her as I refused to let her hurt my sisters, so I always protected them, but at the cost of my own sanity as I was beaten, stabbed, you name it, but worst were the mind games, telling me every day I was worthless. Think “A Child Called It” and you are not far off. Now they are all safe and grown up, they ignore me completely, even though I saved them all from this monster who they visit every week, bit refuse to visit me, always claiming they are “too busy”, so I have got to the point where I wish to divorce my entire blood family, especially as I keep getting “forgotten” about when invites to family events are sent out.
What the hell is wrong with the “human” race? I have been treated like *** by nearly every person I have met my entire life, how do others cope with this?
Pixie I understand that thing with people completely, as a child I people pleased in order to survive (I had a horrificly abusive childhood), and I grew up to be an empath, which people can never understand as they think Autistics have no emotions, in my experience, it is NT's who have little or no emotions, we have more emotion inside one of us than a 1000 of them, probably 10,000.
I am deeply spiritual and call myself a Pagan, but I have learned most of the great teachings, but favs are Buddhism, Shamanism, all aspects of Witchcraft, (suits my ritusalistc nature as I was OCD as a child, but my spectrum changed as I grew). I think the OCD was the result if the abuse, and as I worked through that over the years the real me emerges and continues to.
I had help online from a lovely American Empath once, she ran self help circles, but gave me lots of free advice as I was good at helping ther people in our then fb group out of dark places, it seems to be my gift, probably as I have survived those dark places too. What she told me is that high empaths get their gift by learning to watch and read people to the extent that it becomes totally intuitive as to what they are going to do at any given second, this is the childs only survival mechanism. Sadly, I still live like this, constantly in a state of fight or flight my entire life, probably what caused my CFS actually.
I pushed my physical self last few years though as my isolation left me overweight, so, as I have the strongest willpower of anyone I know, I put myself on a strict diet of juicing, then bought a boxing exercise machine, and unleashed 47 years of anger at the world on it, the result is, I have now lost 3 stone, and I have muscle definition and I am now at the stage I have just bought olympic rings to work on (hang em out my attic).
I have also got to the stage where I feel I have to dis-own most of my family.
This year I'm gonna try and find some part time work, but its really hard to find.
I have a gift with animals, they saved my life as a child (my sanity, and I would never let people touch me, but I lovrd petting animals, it made me feel safe to look after them) and often I would only talk to animals and not humans at all.
When I was a teenager I became an Elephant Keeper for a year, wanted to work with the big cats, but you had to be there years for that. I did however spend a lot of time with a Snow Leopard near us, used to eat my lunches near him, and one day, I put my hand through the enclosure and stroked the top of his head. His reaction? He rolled onto his back like a cat would when it wants you to rub its tummy and that shows complete trust in you, so I did just that, and my hand dissapperared into this beautiful mass of thick (2inch) fur. I then did similar with the huge Timberwolves (when they standup they are taller than people), but again, simply spent time with them and they loved me.
I did a lot of dangerous jobs, I had a death wish until the first person who tried to kill me, then I had more respect for my own life after that.
Sorry, Im waffling on lol.
Trouble is I can't drive (I would be dangerous!) and all the animal jobs are out in the sticks. I have done all sorts of jobs, all sorts. But not worked in the real world for 22 years now. And pretty much been totally isolated most of that time too.
Reached a crossroads and not sure which way to go.