Newbie with lots of questions

Hi all,

This is completely new to me so I'm sort of taking a leap of faith to speak to other like minded individuals and people with a little more insight than i have.

I am a 33 year old woman and for several years now, the idea of Aspergers has been at the back of my head.  Recently I have read some research about how Aspergers may present differently in women and girls and some of the hallmarks of girls with Aspergers just sound so, so familiar to me -it's incredible.  Even my partner has agreed that all these behaviours are me to a T.  Family have said to me I can't possibly be on the spectrum as I am 'normal', I drive a car, I have a job, I interact normally with others but this simply doesn't ring true -my whole life I have felt 'other' with no way to explain it and I am just worried if I broach my GP with these concerns, I'll be written off as a hypochondriac, or someone who has social anxiety.

Any pointers, or any comments would be most welcome.  Completely in the dark.

 

:)

  • Thanks Pixie,

    Interestingly that's exactly what my mum said - that I'm still the same person I was before I thought I was an aspie. As you can probably tell from my posts I talk mainly to my mum about this, as I don't have many friends. While she would do anything for me that she possibly could, this is something that she really can't help me with, as she freely admits, she has no real understanding of how i feel. This is why I'm here, and I'm hoping to make some friends who can relate to my issues.

    Thanks again.x

  • Hi newbie 

    I'm no expert, having only just found out recently that I'm an aspie as you'll see from my earlier post. 

    But I just wanted to reassure you that there's nothing wrong with you, you're a bit different from most other people you meet, but that's not a bad thing. It means youre an individual ane you'll have strengths that they don't have.  If managers in your workplace can't identify and enable you to use those strengths, it's their loss and their fault,  not yours. 

    As someone on this forum said to me when I joined, you're no different whether you get a "professional" diagnosis or not, you're still the same person you've always been.  Be kind to yourself, Pixie :)

  • Hi all,

    I don't really feel able to share right now, but so much of what you have all said is so familiar to me. My story is long and complicated, but aged 33, I am currently going through the process of diagnosis. At the weekend I sat with my mum and cried for hours, whilst trying to piece together what is going on, and she suggested I try to find people in the same situation. So here I am. I was diagnosed with depression aged 14, and although in the back of my mind I knew this did not explain all of my thoughts and feelings, I believed this diagnosis and did my best to fight my symptoms. It had long been sugested by my GP that my estranged father (who was never his patient) had Asbergers, but it was never something that was even considered for me. A wonderful woman, who herself has a son with Autism, who I have known virtually all of my life, suggested this diagnosis, when I explained how much trouble I was having with group-work at university, just over 2 yars ago now. I was gob-smacked. I bought a few books, and told my mum, but she pretty much dismissed it. So I let is go. I passed my course and tried to get a job. After temping for a year I finally got a job, which was supposed to last a year. I started in September, but just before Christmas, I was asked to leave. I was told that I didn't fit into the team. I was devastated. It made me totally reassess my career choice, and wonder if I was even in the right profession. But then I realised that I simply didn't understand what had gone on, or how I could have done anything different. So I decided to try for an ASD diagnosis. I have completed the questionairre, and scored 40 out of 50. I am due to see my GP this afternoon, for a follow up. Basically, I was just wondering what the next stage of the process might be ( I say "might" because I am aware that eveyone seems to have a different experience).

    Thanks for reading. I would be truely grateful for any advice, support, words of wisdom........

  • From what you say it would definitely be worth talking to your GP.

    I also have the crying from the desperate need of peace and the small talk distress. Working in retail I sometimes have to make small talk and some days I go round just praying no-one will approach or talk to me. If someone says 'you allright?' or 'Good morning' to me, I almost fell like punching them, because I hate small talk so much! I mean what are you supposed to respond with!!??

    I wouldn't worry about your behaviour being 'right', who knows what 'right' is? I find other people weird and can't understand them, the way you think makes much more sense to me.

    So yeah, probably best to see the doctors.

    A xx

  • From what you say it would definitely be worth talking to your GP.

    I also have the crying from the desperate need of peace and the small talk distress. Working in retail I sometimes have to make small talk and some days I go round just praying no-one will approach or talk to me. If someone says 'you allright?' or 'Good morning' to me, I almost fell like punching them, because I hate small talk so much! I mean what are you supposed to respond with!!??

    I wouldn't worry about your behaviour being 'right', who knows what 'right' is? I find other people weird and can't understand them, the way you think makes much more sense to me.

    So yeah, probably best to see the doctors.

    A xx

  • Thank you both so much for your comments -even some of the things mentioned here are striking a chord with me -sometimes I have such an intense need for peace and quiet I actually cry, I get so distressed and I feel like if I have to try to make small talk for one more moment I will lose it altogether. I thought it was just the result of a stressful day but realise now this may not be the case. 

    I always felt like I was awkward for not always responding to small talk or laughing at others jokes but I just felt like...I have nothing to say! I don't make or keep friends easily, and I never have. Even as a very small child I always felt like I couldn't identify with my peers, they seemed very different to me as we rarely shared interests (I was and still am obsessed by dinosaurs and find it very difficult to hold conversations about things which do not interest me -which sounds very rude but I just can't pay attention).. I have no sense of how things may sound when I say them out loud -I don't mean to cause offence but sometimes it does -I just thought I had bad timing. it stresses me out sometimes that I know my behaviour isn't 'right' but I don't know how else to be! 

    I think it may be time to speak to my GP, if only to put my mind at ease.

    thank you again 

    G

  • Hi and welcome 

    I'm also a female with aspergers. I'm 55 years old and would never have thought I had it until a few months back when I saw a BBC documentary about autism which showed a woman who has aspergers and I started to think - I'm quite like that! I researched it online and found the AQ screening test which I completed, and it indicated that I was probably on the Autistic spectrum, but as I felt that I was coping OK at the time I just filed it as an interesting fact and got on with my life. 

    Then a few weeks ago I went through a short period of depression and extreme anxiety, which meant I had to take a few days off work. I spoke to a really nice GP with a background in mental health, who advised that I didn't have clinical depression - I was just reacting to particularly high levels of stress I had been experiencing at the time. He recommended CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and put me in touch with a counselling service. When I saw him for a follow up appointment, I asked him about assessment for aspergers as I explained that I scored high on the AQ screening test and I thought it might be a factor causing my anxiety. He asked me to print out my test results and send them to him and after assessing this he rang me to confirm what I thought and offered to refer me to a specialist. He said that it was unlikely to be of much help as I wouldn't be offered any support as I'm already coping OK most of the time and holding down a job, so I decided not to see the specialist at the moment as the GP assured me that I could be referred later if necessary, and he said he will scan my test results onto my medical records for reference. 

    Having read more about aspergers, particularly in relation to females, I feel that I know myself better than I have ever done. It was a relief to discover I wasn't going crazy, I just find certain situations more difficult to cope with than other people and now I know why. I've started to become more mindful of when I'm getting anxious and I'm trying to develop strategies to deal with it.

    I've also realised that although I might seem a bit "weird" to some people, preferring science fiction to "chick lit" and reading at home to going out with "the girls" from work, for example, many of my strengths are down to me having aspergers such as my punctuality, reliability, creativity, my analytical mind and my attention to detail. Have you looked at this website: taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com which describes the traits of female "aspies"? 

  • Both of your experiences have similarities to mine and it is great to see the perspective of other females with autism/aspergers. I am 23 and was diagnosed a year ago after years of anxiety, depression, social problems and 'not quite fitting in'.

    I only realised after my sister was diagnosed and since then both me and my mother (49) have been diagnosed. We had a lot of trouble getting help for my sister and a diagnosis only came after an admittance to hospital.

    Me and my mum got diagnosed privately by an expert purely because we knew that our doctors weren't very believing, as we are both articulate and have jobs e.c.t. Obviously that's not an option for everyone. However, I would reccommend gathering as much information about aspergers and about yourself and your experiences which fit the diagnosis. The more evidence you have to hand, the more likely they will listen to you.I was previously diagnosed with depression and anxiety but those symptoms were purely the result of years of acting 'normal' to the detriment of my physical and mental health.

    I'm sorry to hear GBEM that your family aren't supportive. I can really identify with that putting on of a 'normal' person when inside you feel completely 'other'. Hopefully, the awareness of the different presentation in females will continue to raise in profile and stamp out the stereotype that people have!

  • Hi GBEM,

    First of all welcome to the forum, I think you’ll find you’ve come to the right place for support and help J

    I am very much like yourself in that I am a 31 year old female and I have very recently been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism (HFA). I have noticed that HFA and Aspergers are sometimes considered one and the same/very similar, however I was told that they no longer diagnose Aspergers and now call it ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) with a person’s personal diagnosis falling somewhere on this spectrum. Sorry…I digress...

    Anyway, I like yourself,  have always known that there was something ‘not quite right’ with me, and my family have always echoed this sentiment. I was odd as a child, odd as a teen and I am odd as an adult, being in possession of a very unique and peculiar view of the world. I have lived with this for many years, silently thinking that I am different and that the way I see the world is very removed from other people. This has caused me considerable anxiety over the years, so much so that when I approached my GP a while back they diagnosed me with GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) and tried to medicate me; I flat refused and am I glad that I did! As my GP wasn’t overly helpful I eventually decided to take the plunge and paid to see a private psychiatrist who, after a few intense face to face sessions with me, diagnosed me as having HFA with the added ability to mask my problem. This means that if you met me you would NEVER guess I have autism; I have a very successful and high pressured job with a major UK business, I have a happy and stable marriage, I have an excellent family network that I interact well with, I can drive, I can go out on my own etc etc etc…all those things that NT’s (neuro-typicals or normal people!) do so well without even giving it a second thought.

    However what people don’t see is that although I have learnt to mask my symptoms in my day to day life I have a crushing inability to make and retain friends, preferring to be alone than in the company of others (in fact outside my family I have maybe only 1 friend that I haven’t even seen for over 18 months!) I lack empathy and find it completely impossible to read people’s emotions or to empathize with how others may be feeling. I am a very literal thinker and am genuinely baffled when people make jokes, are sarcastic or say things that are ambiguous. I am obsessive over philosophy, so much so I went to university and worked for a first class honours degree just because I was bored with life. I zone out of 99% of coversations with people because I find most people insanely dull, unless they’re chatting about something I am interested in. I have major meltdowns that get so bad sometime I cannot even speak for 2-3 days and I have to be completely alone so I can reset myself and get back to normal. I am super sensitive to noises, with high pitch noises causing me physical pain and high levels of anxiety. I hate being touched, when people hug me or touch me it causes me to freak out; I have to try so hard to be normal and accept hugs from people when I really really don’t want to. I completely lack a social filter and will often say things that I consider to be normal but which other people find very offensive, rude or inappropriate (I have to try very hard to regulate this part of me!!) I have super anxiety in social situations,  so much so that I am practically mute around people I don’t know and will at all costs avoid social situations where I am likely to meet new people or where I have to speak to people. I have days of mutism where I will literally not speak to anyone all day, just because I don’t want to talk! My HFA causes me to wear what I affectionately call my ‘human mask’ all the time because I have to in order to fit in with people and the world; if people saw the real me I’m pretty sure that I would be shunned!

    I’m sorry that your family think/say that you can’t have autism or be on the spectrum because they think you’re ‘normal’. I think they’re basing their opinion of autism on something like Rain Man, or because all we really see of autism is either in children, men or lower functioning autistics; there is actually very very little on women with autism, let alone women with HFA! Just because you can mask your symptoms doesn’t mean it isn’t there and it isn’t real, so please don’t ever think that.

    My diagnosis is very new, I was only formally diagnosed around 7 weeks ago, so I am very much adjusting to this and trying to get my head around it. However having a diagnosis has helped me massively in terms of providing me with some answers to the way I am feeling or the way in which I see things. It’s helped me realise that I am not a freak, I’m not a bad person, I’m not evil or nasty or a weirdo…I just have autism and there’s nothing wrong with that it just makes me a tad different from other people! It’s allowed me to tell a few people within my family and especially my husband who can now better understand my behaviours and my way of viewing the world; they can make allowances for this, try to support me and offer me help when I need it.

    Feel like I’ve blathered on for a while here but I really hope elements of this have made sense to you? HFA/Aspergers will present itself differently in everyone, however rest assured you’re certainly not alone. If this forum has thought me anything it’s that you aren’t alone in all this and that people here and willing to talk to you and help if they can. xx