Feeling Alone, Ignored, and Misunderstood

Dan,

Your posts are very clear and it is very obvious that you are very desparate. Can I ask whether you have been to the doctor to try and get proper help (i.e. CBT rather than medication) for depression. Depression is a treatable, fixable state of mind that is not the same as feeling sad or down.

I suspect that your parents do care about you but they are probably very bad at showing it and you will struggle to interpret their intentions and feelings correctly because you have autism.

I suspect that your friends do care about you but they are not skilled at doing anything dramatic to help you. They may also be busy with worrying about themsleves (this also happens a lot on this forum - there are more people in a bad place looking for help and relatively few people with the skills or interest to come here except when they need help)

Please, Dan, make an appointment with your GP or call

Mind Infoline 0300 123 3393 (weekdays 9am - 6pm)

Saneline 0845 767 8000 (everyday 6pm-11pm)

Hi Dan,

I'm commenting in the hope that I can help you. Please try and take a lesson that I learned from years ago. Using the internet forums to help you try and socialise doesn't always work. It isn't that people don't care but sometimes they don't know what to say other than to reassure you that you aren't alone in this world.

I am very lucky to have a friendship circle that exists through mutual love for 1950's and 60's rock n roll.

The friendship that I have with my band members was a very long time coming. I have been in several other bands and some of the people have made life very difficult for me by not being accomodating. But the group of people I'm with now I suppose you can say we all accommodate for each other in one way or another;

The singer has Ehler-Danlos syndrome and suffers constant chronic pain. The main backing singer/soundman suffers with Ulcerative Colitis and is a Gluten/Lactose intolerant, the lead guitarist I believe suffers from depression and has a serious binge eating disorder - we had a BBQ over the weekend and he ate 6 Quorn burgers, 4 veggie burgers, 2 cheese pasties, a whole apple pie that would easily feed 6 with a bowl of custard, and a 16" pizza covered in a jar of mayonnaise.

We all try and help each other. In all my previous hobbies (Darts, Pool and Chess) they were competitive endeavours and I couldn't handle that you can have acquaintances but when you meet in battle that they'll want to rip your heart out and do anything to win. Music being an endeavour where you only compete to improve yourself means I don't have those same issues, but you do need to meet the right band mates who will be accommodating.

They know to give me space if I am struggling a little bit, they try not to put any last minute changes on me if they can.

Anyway sorry to go on a tangent but my point is perhaps you have a hobby or an interest that could lead you to finding some friends? Is there anything productive that you like to do? Can you play an instrument? Are you any good at pool? Do you like to cook good meals? Do you enjoy reading books? If you have an interest you could always try to find people of similar interests to meet personally.

Meeting people face to face is much harder these days and I dont envy your situation of having friends who are known only online. I have people Ive known and been friends with for 20 years who cannot be bothered to meet up any more because they say they cant afford to, but then spunk £50 on maps for call of duty or go out and get drunk. Or if I offer to see them its on their terms. Nobody wants to sit around and chat any more but if you get that same vibe of people not wanting to talk to you, it's hard but don't take offence because they are probably like that to people who they know.

One last bit of advice - try not to come across so desperate. You don't need to turn to drink or any other vice to overcome these problems. I can't promise to check this forum every day but I will try my best. If you want to message me directly I'm happy to have a chat with you.

Adel

I don't regularly or consistently use this website. It's not my way to post on forums or try and speak to others on them. But it would seem that the longer I'm here at this place around people with my afflcition with similar problems, the worse things seem to get. I'm ignored in real life by everyone, both online and offline. I had hoped that being here would help that and the people here wouldn't ignore me like everyone else. Unfortunately, this seems to be yet another mistake I've made that has only led me to waste my time and get myself hurt. I didn't come here to post my deepest thoughts and feelings only to have everyone completely ignore me. I can do that without the internet.

Hi Dan,

i'm new here and am in need of some friends myself. i'm also quite new to my diagnosis of aspergers and ADHD as i was only diagnosed a few months ago, and my situation is similar to yours in the sense that none of my friends, my dad and my boyfriend understand what it is i go through or how it effects me. I'm lucky because my mum is really good at being there for me and she wants to understand so i do have her support. but i feel alone all the time too and it is hard so i know how you're feeling.

the people on this forum have alot of great advice and ideas to share, and they all seem really lovely so far so i'm sure you'll be able to find some support here :)

I've often wondered if I'd ever find people who actually care about my situation. So far, after being officially diagnosed with autism for over a year, nobody seems to care one bit. Part of the reason why I joined this website was to find people who care and want to help, or at least sympathize with my situation. I'm completely alone in the world and nobody cares about me, and nobody is my friend. Even being here on this website hasn't helped. It hurts me to be on an autism website which supports people like myself and yet I've had very little feedback or communication with anyone from this community. I'm here to get help and support, not to be ignored just like I am in the outside world.

It's very strange how people's behavior doesn't change even when you explain to them exactly what you need or what your problem is. Normally consistency is something I love and want more of, but in this case I'd like things to change, namely people. Here I am tonight, feeling terrible and in a very deep low. Yet on Friday I was feeling great, and for most of Saturday as well. Amazing how fast things flip on me, I'm really not prepared for this kind of thing to keep happening. I don't think I can live a full life for another fifty years with this kind of emotional distress on a regular basis. I can't do this alone. Unfortunately, alone is what it looks like from here on out.

I'm starting to get the distinct feeling that nobody in my very small circle of friends actually cares about me. They don't put in the effort to spend time with me, even though they know they're all I've got. I'll spend every last minute of the day spending time with them and being around them, only to have nothing reciprocated back to me. I feel like drinking again. It didn't help my problems before, but that's hardly the point. Alcohol isn't supposed to make you feel good, it's supposed to make you feel nothing. Right now I'd like to feel nothing, because nothing is all I have anymore. No friends, no job, no prospects, no girlfriend, and my parents can't help with any of it. I really feel like a drink.

Hi Dan

I'm a new member, not formally diagnosed yet and still trying to understand myself at the age of 55. I'm really lucky in that I met my life partner at the age of 16 and despite many difficulties we've managed to support each other through everything life has thrown at us - he is also undiagnosed aspergers, so we understand each other, but have still had to learn to communicate and cooperate effectively - however I've always had trouble making and keeping female friends and coincidentally, my relationship with my mother broke down when I was exactly your age.

You're not a bad person - you are too hard on yourself. You just haven't been lucky enough yet to find that person - be it a friend or partner - who "gets" you, understands your difficulties and inspires your trust.

Are you having counselling? Do you have any other support from local health services? I'm just waiting for an assessment of my needs, so I don't know much about this yet, but there are other members on this forum with much more knowledge and experience who can give you advice if you need it - I only joined yesterday and I've already had two really helpful responses to my own concerns.

All the best and hope things improve for you very soon. 

I know how you feel.

Things are going ok for a while then suddenly all seem to go wrong. And if something good comes along, there always seems to be a counter balance of something bad. At least that is my experience.

i have only a few friends too and am trying to put more effort into those relationships. I am not a very trusting person so the few friends I do have I feel that I can trust. I tend to put my faith in my animal friends also, who rarely let me down.

Things so very quickly go from normal to completely terrible these days. Everything was just fine most of the week or day-to-day, then without warning one little thing comes along and just destroys the whole week. It's March now, and the bright spots this year are very few in number. Two, perhaps three good things so far this year. The bad things are too numerous to count, and the list continues to grow.

Also, it seems that the people I used to be around in an online capacity are no longer putting the level of effort in that I still am. The only people I speak to on a regular basis other than my parents aren't there much anymore, and don't seem interested in socializing. If they leave me or just stop being sociable, then I have no-one. Not one single person on the planet out of seven billion. I know I'm not a nice person and it's hard to be my friend, but I can't be that bad can I? I'm available all the time and I desperately want social contact, but everyone I'm around seems indifferent to that.

Pentadactyl touches on the issue that you might be in the middle of at the moment. Depression is a very common problem that can arise as a consequence of ASD - , particularly from undiagnosed ASD. Whilst we are stuck with the ASD, we are not stuck with the depression. As Pentadactyl says, there are things that you can do that will help raise you out of this mood and get yourself to a better mental place.

Does that make sense to you? It is hard for people to start talking about these things but have you considered this as a problem that you can deal with?

Hi Dan,

I'm sorry that you're in a bad place at the moment, however please see that there are many people in a similar position to yourself even on these forums (you can see that there are many people who, if you extrapolate a little, are saying and appear to be feeling just as you are now).

I think that it is useful to air our frustrations, concerns and feelings in general however we can (being able to talk to someone about your feelings as you suggest in your initial post is something of which I am envious), and I hope that it has made your day a little better in the knowledge that many people have acknowledged what you have written (look at the number of guests on the forum! I think (or hope) that a few of these are poeple who can't quite bring themselves to make a post here despite a very similar life experience).

For what its worth, I don't believe that either of your parents hate you. I recall when I had a bout of unemployment (which lasted approximately 18 months), I began feeling, at least in this regard, very similar to yourself. However this began to change when I started making my efforts for employment visible and deliberately announced (as I had no choice but to live with them at the time due to a lack of money), as I was leaving for the job centre/employment agencies. As such, despite your condition (and potentially with the aid of the resources provided by this website) I feel that this may be a way to move forwards? This would also help with your feelings of friendlessness (i.e. I can't contact my friends as I can't afford to do anything). If nothing else, it would get you out of the house (which is something that has helped with my depression).

I wish you all the best and hope I have not been insulting by extrapolating here.

Today wasn't so good. It's always strange how you think certain people are on your side yet at times they completely turn on you. To the point where they make you feel worse than just about anything else could at that time. I thought that Mum was on my side and actually felt compassion for me. It seems that perhaps I'm wrong. Again. So between Mum displaying no understanding and sympathy whatsoever and completely crushing me with the way she acts and her tone, to Dad being his usual insulting and demeaning bully, I've now officially got no-one here. No-one at all.

Now, I can't talk to anybody. I used to have one person in real-life that I could talk to and express my feelings to. That's all over now. Dad hates me and Mum couldn't care less. How things change for the worse. What a shame.

Unemployed. Friendless. Parentless. Single. Depressed. Autistic. Alone.

My life.

Welcome to the forum, there are lots of people here who have gone through the same things that you are experiencing.

My experience since diagnosis is that things can get worse before they get better. Diagnosis tends to follow a crisis and you have to deal with the mess that things had got into and then you have to accept or embrace a diagnosis of a permanent condition. I was diagnosed 18 months ago. After some initial euphoria about understanding myself I was left in a bad job and have then had to move jobs which hasn't been easy. Things are getting better though and you can make choices that make things better for you too.

ASD is often inherited and it seems that your father's lack of sympathy (maybe lack of empathy?) would indicate that this might be more likely. He may struggle to detect or express sympathy or feelings and you may struggle to break through to him - don't be hard on him though and be kind to yourself too.

This is probably no help, but when I started reading your post I honestly thought it was someone attempting to post something about me without me knowing.  It wasn't until you got to the bit about being American and 30 years old that the differences started.  Apart from the stuff about your Dad, I've never read a post on here that I've related to as much.  I only see my parents once every month or two and only tend to speak on the phone once every week or so.  I don't use them for supoprt with the stuff.

Hi Dan,

maybe be your Dad is struggling to accept your diagnosis too? Or maybe he is seeing a bit of himself in you but doesn't want to face it? It is so hard to figure other people out. 

That is good you have some friends. Three is better than none. And you may meet more people on this forum too. We are all facing similar struggles and issues, so at least can understand how you feel.