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(Ex)Partner with extreme sexual fetishism

Yajiri

Hello. This is my first post. My now ex partner (as of yesterday) is 35 years old and I suspect he is on the spectrum but he has no formal diagnosis. I have spoken to him about this possibility and he seems to be in agreement. 


He is German and moved in with me to avoid the need for a long distance relationship. He works from home, as do I. He told me he liked to be alone but, not realising at that time that it might be a big deal, I thought he would just get used to it. 

He doesn't love me. He said he has never loved anyone and the feelings of love that I describe are alien to him. I have learned to live with this because actions speak louder than words and he has always been so good to me. 

He is also a latex fetishist and likes to dress as a woman in rubber. He is a successful model doing this. However, this has caused problems between us because he gets turned on by himself and the models when he shoots. I know it's just the rubber but it's still upsetting when we have a non existent sex life. This has led to him doing very few shoots since we have been together. 

He has been away in Germany for the past 2 weeks and yesterday I received an email telling me it wasn't working because he needs to be alone, doesn't like how my new cat has 'taken over the apartment' and, most concerning, that he has suddenly decided to become a '***', move to London and do hardcore porn. This is all news to me. We have been in a monogamous relationship and there was never any serious talk of surgery to become a woman. I know he had some fantasies but suddenly they have taken over and he intends to fulfil them. I am shocked and worried. I have no idea what has happened. 

I don't know if I should try to get him to understand that this isn't 'normal' and that it may simply be a product of the stress of not having many time alone and not being able to use his rubberdoll persona to escape as much as he would have liked or if I should just walk away and let him do it. He is an adult, after all. 

I am blaming myself for not realising there was more to his need for alone time and his fetishism and I feel as if I have triggered this fantasy to become an obsession but I don't know if it's now too late to 'fix' because he seems completely obsessed with being a *** porn actor.

I love this man deeply and would be happy to compromise on many things but I don't want to be with someone doing porn. I really have no idea whether to fight for him or see this as a lucky escape. 
  • Former Member
    Former Member

    PS.

    (me and atypical were busy typing at the same time)

    I'm with the cat in all this. His intolerance of cats is, in my mind, a contra-indicator for autism!

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    So do I gather that he made the break rather than you?

    It isn't easy to make a diagnosis - you can't do it online here or anywhere else. Splitting out all of the different issues that people have and putting labels on them is complex and sometimes uncertain and error prone. We and you simply aren't qualified to say whether he has this or that syndrome or label. There are lots of labels that I can think of that might fit. But actually people with autism are a bit rubbish into the insight thing so I don't think we would make good psychiatrists.

    People with autism and other issues can be very difficult to form relationships with. We lack empathy but not sympathy, we can be lovely but we can appear to be cold.

    I'm afraid that I really struggle to see that this relationship will work. He sounds so selfish (and that does not mean that he is autistic!) to make a good partner.

    If you want people to just agree and offer support with what you have decided then you may have come to the wrong place! We are famously blunt and downright rude at times - that's why we need help sometimes. We don't mean to be offensive and I really don't want you to be offended but sometimes a bit of plain speaking can cut through where others would fear to upset you. 

  • Hi Yajiri, try and remember a lot of the people posting here are autistic.  We tend not to be good at being tactful.  We try and help though.

    It's great that you want to save him from making bad mistakes.

    Has he said he wants surgery?  A she-male would usually mean he might want 'top surgery' but wouldn't want 'bottom surgery', or no surgery at all.  Those wanting to fully transition to female would usually want to take hormones to make them more female, but that might not be true of someone who wants to be a 'she-male'.  He may want to remain a fully-functioning male. If he wants surgery/hormones in the UK he would usually be expected to go through a long path of councelling, living in role etc before making any ireversible step.

    I agree with others that you really want to think about what you want and deserve from a relationship.  I couldn't live with someone who didn't like cats either! LOL.  Re the latex: if that's the only way he can get sexual pleasure, then that's his 'trigger', and you can't really change that.  Would you be prepared to take part in his fantasies? Or to have an open relationship so he can fulfil them elsewhere?

    It also sounds like he will always prefer to have his own space.  Autistic people are very sensitive to the world around them and find it very tiring, and so need time alone to recover. Can you handle a relationship where you spend a lot of time apart? Seriously, if it came to it, could you rehome the cat for him? (If he expected you to restrict the cat to one room or something, that would not be fair on the cat).

    His work: it seems he's doing well in his job. Work in that industry isn't for everyone, and yes, it might go wrong if he takes it further.  But it sounds like he might be one of the few that is suited to that industry.

    Hard situation for you to be in...

  • I don't think what he doing is 'wrong'. My concern is that this has come from nowhere and seems to be more an obsession than a well thought out decision.

    I want to stay with him because I love him and we have a great time together. We have similar interests and he makes me happier than anyone ever has. His lack of 'love' is not obvious and he simply has no sexual desires unless latex is involved. 

    I actuallt thought people here would be a Little more understanding. I feel I shouldn't have bothered. 

  • How are you going to fight for him? He's happy doing what he wants, you don't have the right to tell him its wrong or undesirable.

    Go and find someone to have a proper relationship with and take a long look at why you want to stay with someone who doesn't love you and won't have sex with you.

  • He's not narcissistic. It is purely an extreme rubber fetish. He is turned on by the look and feel and it is really is the only thing that arouses him. He is very sweet and affectionate and if not for the lack of words, it would be easy to assume from his actions that he loves me. 

    The cat thing bothers me but I also appreciate that it is because he has OCD when it comes to cleanliness and tidyness and he also doesn't like to be disturbed when working.  cat toys lying around bother him and he is long haired and I think his fur getting on things annoys him. It would all have been things I could have addressed had he spoken to me about it. 

    I fear you right though. Maybe I should just walk away. 

  • A lucky escape, IMHO. Though it may not seem like it right now.

    Aside from the sexless/loveless relationship and his rubber/porno fetishes, the biggest red flag to me is that he resents your cat. 

    Self-obsession combined with jealousy of a pet, sounds more like narcissistic personality disorder than autism.