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(Ex)Partner with extreme sexual fetishism

Yajiri

Hello. This is my first post. My now ex partner (as of yesterday) is 35 years old and I suspect he is on the spectrum but he has no formal diagnosis. I have spoken to him about this possibility and he seems to be in agreement. 


He is German and moved in with me to avoid the need for a long distance relationship. He works from home, as do I. He told me he liked to be alone but, not realising at that time that it might be a big deal, I thought he would just get used to it. 

He doesn't love me. He said he has never loved anyone and the feelings of love that I describe are alien to him. I have learned to live with this because actions speak louder than words and he has always been so good to me. 

He is also a latex fetishist and likes to dress as a woman in rubber. He is a successful model doing this. However, this has caused problems between us because he gets turned on by himself and the models when he shoots. I know it's just the rubber but it's still upsetting when we have a non existent sex life. This has led to him doing very few shoots since we have been together. 

He has been away in Germany for the past 2 weeks and yesterday I received an email telling me it wasn't working because he needs to be alone, doesn't like how my new cat has 'taken over the apartment' and, most concerning, that he has suddenly decided to become a '***', move to London and do hardcore porn. This is all news to me. We have been in a monogamous relationship and there was never any serious talk of surgery to become a woman. I know he had some fantasies but suddenly they have taken over and he intends to fulfil them. I am shocked and worried. I have no idea what has happened. 

I don't know if I should try to get him to understand that this isn't 'normal' and that it may simply be a product of the stress of not having many time alone and not being able to use his rubberdoll persona to escape as much as he would have liked or if I should just walk away and let him do it. He is an adult, after all. 

I am blaming myself for not realising there was more to his need for alone time and his fetishism and I feel as if I have triggered this fantasy to become an obsession but I don't know if it's now too late to 'fix' because he seems completely obsessed with being a *** porn actor.

I love this man deeply and would be happy to compromise on many things but I don't want to be with someone doing porn. I really have no idea whether to fight for him or see this as a lucky escape. 
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  • Former Member
    Former Member

    So do I gather that he made the break rather than you?

    It isn't easy to make a diagnosis - you can't do it online here or anywhere else. Splitting out all of the different issues that people have and putting labels on them is complex and sometimes uncertain and error prone. We and you simply aren't qualified to say whether he has this or that syndrome or label. There are lots of labels that I can think of that might fit. But actually people with autism are a bit rubbish into the insight thing so I don't think we would make good psychiatrists.

    People with autism and other issues can be very difficult to form relationships with. We lack empathy but not sympathy, we can be lovely but we can appear to be cold.

    I'm afraid that I really struggle to see that this relationship will work. He sounds so selfish (and that does not mean that he is autistic!) to make a good partner.

    If you want people to just agree and offer support with what you have decided then you may have come to the wrong place! We are famously blunt and downright rude at times - that's why we need help sometimes. We don't mean to be offensive and I really don't want you to be offended but sometimes a bit of plain speaking can cut through where others would fear to upset you. 

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  • Former Member
    Former Member

    So do I gather that he made the break rather than you?

    It isn't easy to make a diagnosis - you can't do it online here or anywhere else. Splitting out all of the different issues that people have and putting labels on them is complex and sometimes uncertain and error prone. We and you simply aren't qualified to say whether he has this or that syndrome or label. There are lots of labels that I can think of that might fit. But actually people with autism are a bit rubbish into the insight thing so I don't think we would make good psychiatrists.

    People with autism and other issues can be very difficult to form relationships with. We lack empathy but not sympathy, we can be lovely but we can appear to be cold.

    I'm afraid that I really struggle to see that this relationship will work. He sounds so selfish (and that does not mean that he is autistic!) to make a good partner.

    If you want people to just agree and offer support with what you have decided then you may have come to the wrong place! We are famously blunt and downright rude at times - that's why we need help sometimes. We don't mean to be offensive and I really don't want you to be offended but sometimes a bit of plain speaking can cut through where others would fear to upset you. 

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