• Replies 7 replies
  • Subscribers 79 subscribers
  • Views 5003 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

(Ex)Partner with extreme sexual fetishism

Yajiri

Hello. This is my first post. My now ex partner (as of yesterday) is 35 years old and I suspect he is on the spectrum but he has no formal diagnosis. I have spoken to him about this possibility and he seems to be in agreement. 


He is German and moved in with me to avoid the need for a long distance relationship. He works from home, as do I. He told me he liked to be alone but, not realising at that time that it might be a big deal, I thought he would just get used to it. 

He doesn't love me. He said he has never loved anyone and the feelings of love that I describe are alien to him. I have learned to live with this because actions speak louder than words and he has always been so good to me. 

He is also a latex fetishist and likes to dress as a woman in rubber. He is a successful model doing this. However, this has caused problems between us because he gets turned on by himself and the models when he shoots. I know it's just the rubber but it's still upsetting when we have a non existent sex life. This has led to him doing very few shoots since we have been together. 

He has been away in Germany for the past 2 weeks and yesterday I received an email telling me it wasn't working because he needs to be alone, doesn't like how my new cat has 'taken over the apartment' and, most concerning, that he has suddenly decided to become a '***', move to London and do hardcore porn. This is all news to me. We have been in a monogamous relationship and there was never any serious talk of surgery to become a woman. I know he had some fantasies but suddenly they have taken over and he intends to fulfil them. I am shocked and worried. I have no idea what has happened. 

I don't know if I should try to get him to understand that this isn't 'normal' and that it may simply be a product of the stress of not having many time alone and not being able to use his rubberdoll persona to escape as much as he would have liked or if I should just walk away and let him do it. He is an adult, after all. 

I am blaming myself for not realising there was more to his need for alone time and his fetishism and I feel as if I have triggered this fantasy to become an obsession but I don't know if it's now too late to 'fix' because he seems completely obsessed with being a *** porn actor.

I love this man deeply and would be happy to compromise on many things but I don't want to be with someone doing porn. I really have no idea whether to fight for him or see this as a lucky escape. 
Parents

  • Hi Yajiri, try and remember a lot of the people posting here are autistic.  We tend not to be good at being tactful.  We try and help though.

    It's great that you want to save him from making bad mistakes.

    Has he said he wants surgery?  A she-male would usually mean he might want 'top surgery' but wouldn't want 'bottom surgery', or no surgery at all.  Those wanting to fully transition to female would usually want to take hormones to make them more female, but that might not be true of someone who wants to be a 'she-male'.  He may want to remain a fully-functioning male. If he wants surgery/hormones in the UK he would usually be expected to go through a long path of councelling, living in role etc before making any ireversible step.

    I agree with others that you really want to think about what you want and deserve from a relationship.  I couldn't live with someone who didn't like cats either! LOL.  Re the latex: if that's the only way he can get sexual pleasure, then that's his 'trigger', and you can't really change that.  Would you be prepared to take part in his fantasies? Or to have an open relationship so he can fulfil them elsewhere?

    It also sounds like he will always prefer to have his own space.  Autistic people are very sensitive to the world around them and find it very tiring, and so need time alone to recover. Can you handle a relationship where you spend a lot of time apart? Seriously, if it came to it, could you rehome the cat for him? (If he expected you to restrict the cat to one room or something, that would not be fair on the cat).

    His work: it seems he's doing well in his job. Work in that industry isn't for everyone, and yes, it might go wrong if he takes it further.  But it sounds like he might be one of the few that is suited to that industry.

    Hard situation for you to be in...

Reply

  • Hi Yajiri, try and remember a lot of the people posting here are autistic.  We tend not to be good at being tactful.  We try and help though.

    It's great that you want to save him from making bad mistakes.

    Has he said he wants surgery?  A she-male would usually mean he might want 'top surgery' but wouldn't want 'bottom surgery', or no surgery at all.  Those wanting to fully transition to female would usually want to take hormones to make them more female, but that might not be true of someone who wants to be a 'she-male'.  He may want to remain a fully-functioning male. If he wants surgery/hormones in the UK he would usually be expected to go through a long path of councelling, living in role etc before making any ireversible step.

    I agree with others that you really want to think about what you want and deserve from a relationship.  I couldn't live with someone who didn't like cats either! LOL.  Re the latex: if that's the only way he can get sexual pleasure, then that's his 'trigger', and you can't really change that.  Would you be prepared to take part in his fantasies? Or to have an open relationship so he can fulfil them elsewhere?

    It also sounds like he will always prefer to have his own space.  Autistic people are very sensitive to the world around them and find it very tiring, and so need time alone to recover. Can you handle a relationship where you spend a lot of time apart? Seriously, if it came to it, could you rehome the cat for him? (If he expected you to restrict the cat to one room or something, that would not be fair on the cat).

    His work: it seems he's doing well in his job. Work in that industry isn't for everyone, and yes, it might go wrong if he takes it further.  But it sounds like he might be one of the few that is suited to that industry.

    Hard situation for you to be in...

Children
No Data