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Feelings of rage.

cmerrick

in recent years, i find myself getting very angry of having aspergers.  i've dwelled on it a lot and come to regard it as nothing but a curse, a crippling factor that prevents me being all i should be. what makes me most angry is that i will die. we all will. and there is nothing after we die. every single human gets a single shot at life. just one. no second chances, no option to go around again. and those of us with aspergers, autism, any mental health or physically disabilties, are hampered from the very start. our one chance has been cursed by the capricous fate to be lived in misery, suffering and being a lesser person. theres no justice in that, nothing fair or deserved. i have and will continue to live my life with nerouses i will never overcome no matter how much effort i put in, aspects of my one chance i will never be able to experience, because of the barriers in my own mind. we only have one life on this earth, and not being able to experience all of it is a curse more terrible than anything when you are aware of it. 

to sit here, knowing that oblivion will claim me one day no matter what i do, and that my breif candle flame is burning posioned is something that angers me more than i can bare. 

  • Hi cmerrick,

    Apologies if I misinterpreted your feelings. We are still here to support you if your feeling angry, so it might be worth contacting our helpline so someone can give you some more support.

    Sofie Mod

  • Thanks Sofie, but it's really not depression, just anger at life itself really. the sheer unfairness inherent in my life because some random quirk brought me into the world as damaged goods just makes me livid. 

  • Hi cmerrick,

    I'm sorry that you are finding life difficult at the moment. Longman has provided some really good advice although we wouldn't recommend interrupting thoughts by hurting yourself in any way. It might be helpful for you to speak to someone on our helpline which you can also email http://www.autism.org.uk/our-services/advice-and-information-services/autism-helpline/how-to-contact-us.aspx The Samaritans is another helpline that may be of interest to you. Their number is 116 123 or you can email them jo@samaritans.org Counselling might be something else that you may find helpful and we have some information on our website here http://www.autism.org.uk/counsellors-and-psychotherapists Most importantly, if you are feeling depressed we would advise you to visit your GP/call 111 if out of GP hours. If you are at immediate risk then please don't hesitate to go to A&E.

    Hope this helps you in some way and we are here to help you if you need further support.

    Sofie Mod

  • You need to avoid spiralling anxiety and the accompanying negative reinforcement that this entails. Not easy. But necessary.

    When you start having these feelings you need an interrupt - just enough to break the flow. The most basic is something that hurts enough to interrupt your thoughts, flick your ear, snap your fingers hard, use a rubber band on your wrist and snap it at thepalm side of the wrist. If you keep this up you can substitute a word code.

    With autistic spectrum you have the propensity to focus for long periods on a special interest. OK it depends on how good you are at developing a practical special interest, but just find one and do it often.

    Walking briskly, or running/jogging or other activity at regular intervals in a day, besides keeping you fit, helps to dispel negative thoughts.

    Make good use of music. Find something that helps you unwind rather than something depressing. Get more light indoors if possible.

    None of it at all easy, but ..... necessary