Aspergers Syndrome- Dating and establishing a relationship

I have had experiences of relationships. Trying to get into an relationship is not easy but I've found that it does get easier after the first one.

The start of getting into my first relationship was one of the most difficult experiences I've ever gone through. I was 17 at the time; but I acted as if I was a 13 year old girl going through her first crush. If it wasn't for one of my friends, who knows about my condition and understands it well, I probably wouldn't have gone out with the guy in the end because of how akward I was when I first met him.

We went out for about 3 years and in that time I learnt a lot about relationships which helped me a lot when my current boyfriend and I were in the courtship stage. This is what I think helped me in get into my current relationship:

1) Talk about similar interests. For me this was easy as my boyfriend is clearly a fellow metalhead and so it was the starting point for a conversation. Since you go to university being in a society will be helpful to meet and talk to people. It also increases your chances of finding someone. I met my boyfriend on a social night out with the rock society. Anyway, talk about your interests and this will go on to other topics as well. Be careful not to talk too much about one thing. If you happen to do that just say, "sorry, if I've bored you but I have a really big interest in..."

2) Body Language: The most difficult point I know. Unfortunately we have to do a lot of guess work when it comes to other people's body language. This website has a lot of good tips on helping understand about other people's body language so I recommened you read through it. But it is important to remember your own body language. When I had a good guess on how my boyfriend was feeling about me I slowly started moved closer to him in terms of space. Not much just a little so he wouldn't get uncomfortable. You have to be careful in not making this too obvious and make sure they actually like you overwise it'll put the other person off. If you really struggle with this then have a friend act as a wring man for you. Preferably one that knows and understands your condition. They'll be able to help you a lot.

3) Appreance: Yes, it's vain but start of relationships is based on attration and appreance. You don't need to be wearing your best clothes but make sure you look clean and tidy. Girls like guys to be clean and smell nice. It's a really big turn off for girls when guys don't look nice or they smell bad.

I hope this helps you. Sorry if I went off on one a bit. I hope you can find someone. ^^

Yes, I got too hung up on this one girl and am now paying the consequences for it. As for socialising I am improving bit by bit but often these days I get depressed because I think the best years of my life are slipping away and I will end up alone and friendless. I agree that people with AS should not give up. I have the same problem with rambling on about subjects I like. It's all a learning curve and will take quite a long time. It's hard getting over this girl but I'm still going to try very hard to forget about her.

Sorry, I realise I just tumbled into a monologue again!

To answer your question wash620, yes I have been in the same situation as you. I have tried to approach someone I was attracted to in a subtle way, but it just comes across as creepy, e.g. Facebook messages.

I do get hung up on certain people I like, and this is where we go wrong. To have the confidence to approach people in a casual way is the ideal situation, everyone would feel relaxed. But if you have AS this is a lot easier said than done.

Perhaps an option would be to try and socialise as much as possible, so that you maximise the number of people you could be attracted to, instead of just the same person the whole time. The snowball effect could help you to approach relationships in a less intense way. If you eventually become known as a fairly outgoing, friendly, sociable person, then maybe the relationship will find you. People generally don't like anything intense. I'm a very intense person, it's part of my personality. So that's a cross I will have to bear, hence still looking for Miss Right.

It's not easy...

This is all great insight from you guys, and it's so good to hear it from someone else. 

The fact is, unfortunately, people with AS generally lack that intuitive empathy and ability to talk nonsense that most NT people need as an essential social lubricant. I can't stop myself tumbling into an in-depth monologue on subjects that interest me. This is an instant turn-off for most people. Most NTs are attracted to people who can have a laugh (at themselves most importantly), and who can go with the flow, have fun.

My upbringing was fine on the surface, but totally lacking in any meaningful emotional interaction within the family. I never learned how to relate to people within my family. If you don't learn it at that early stage, it will be extremely difficult to pick it up later on.

Now I can see why I have struggled to sustain relationships, the problem stemming from a distant relationship with my parents, most critically with my mum. Looking back, it is so obvious that AS has been in my family for generations.

I was diagnosed AS at 34, I'm now 39.5! People I meet just don't feel comfortable in my company, they can just sense my 'issues' without me saying a word. Then I open my mouth and it's game over. My special interests (not outlandish ones - music, hillwalking) have now taken over the role of companion, and people know it.  I used to be able to form relationships, but just couldn't sustain them. Now I can't even form them.

So I've come to the conclusion that it's best to stick to your interests and try to make contact with potential partners through that context, fingers crossed. If you have AS, you are living daily life on an uneven playing field, and that will never change. Music is a fundamental part of who I am, so the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone for whom music means little or nothing is just not an option. 

Call me picky, but I've gone to the ends of the earth to try and go with the flow, be flexible and it doesn't work, not for someone like me. I'm sticking to my strengths, studying music - that way even if I have to live the rest of my life alone, at least I'll have something to show for my loneliness...

AS has pretty much messed everything up for me, but to throw in the towel would just be too tragic.

I think it is important to accept that as an Aspie, you are different from NTs, and in my experience, the only relationships worth pursuing are with very unusual NTs. If the person is unusual you can tell them right away that you are not into all this "unspoken" stuff and you want to be straigthforward and just say what you want/like/think about the relationship.

Of course, as an Aspie you will have to be as thoughtful as you can about the other person and their feelings, but it is impossible to have a lasting relationship with another person if you have to be acting NT all the time, eventually it will become mentally exhausting.

So, I would say it is important to guard against obsessions (in the sense that they will happen, but recognise them for what they are), and try and find someone to really connect with as your true Aspie self.

This is difficult because it is what young people do. In an adult context such behaviour would constitute sexual harrassment - we are being told more and more what is politically correct. But of course it still happens. For teens and early twenties this is key formative social behaviour, and how are you meant to respond if not equipped to do so?

This does seem to be missing from preparation for life for young people on the spectrum.

I certainly remember when teens/twenties being approached in that way but I was sexually naive until late 20s, and did not understand what was going on. I would respond in a 'normal' friendly way, to the extent I was able. I simply didn't register the underlying intention. So I then got more labels for being distant, stand-offish or insensitive. I actually registered an unexpected popularity in such contexts, but I just thought someone was interested in me as a person. I also had to deal with other people's jealousy that I was having opportunities I didn't respond to.

There is however an important point here. If you do not have a good non-verbal social interface you are not therefore manifesting some of the perceived behaviours. You therefore come over as less threatening, nicer to be with seemingly, and interesting for being different. That will attract the opposite sex. But that fails to recognise an AS individual's disadvantages. I wonder how much knowledge teachers, college lecturers and teaching support staff of such potential misunderstandings.

Has anyone else ever been chatted up on the bus?

Nearly every time I go on the bus I get mistaken for a boy (plausable, I have short hair and avoid make up) and end up with a group of girls flirting with me and asking for my number. Even when I do clarify that I'm a girl there's always at least one that pipes up still after my number. Apparently my 'rabbit caught in headlights' traumatised expression is cute. Any ideas how you're meant to react to that other than 'no thanks' and running off the bus at the nearest stop?

I'm afraid I've lived a lifetime of one-sided attraction. So maybe I'm the last person to advise. For some reason (I'm supposedly good looking) I get chatted up a lot. I then get accused of being insensitive. Part of the trouble is I know how to be mannerly, think of others, do all the gentlemanly things. But I cannot socially interact once we are deep into non-verbal.  I used to catch the eye of someone across a room, but up close not a thing.

The problem is we may want to relate, and we're expected to relate, and brainwashed by films, books advertising etc to expect to relate. But it may not actually work out if you have difficulty reading and generating the right non-verbal signals. There have been books on making relationships work but I never found them much use. Its not the rules - I can learn the rules, and its not about flirting, I can work that out too - its lack of that ability to exactly read situations and generate responses when things get "critical".  It means you can mislead or give a false impression.

I don't think this is taken seriously enough. The literature seems to me rather limited to the "mechanics" of dating, which is guessable and can be mimicked. Also it seems people even open minded about the aspergers side feel they can help and just don't have sufficient understanding of how fundamentally difficult the non-verbal side can be.

Unfortunately spiralling anxiety means you dwell on the possibles too much without being able to read the actualities.

Hiya,

No experience as of yet but terrified of the possibility, lifes hard enough at 6th form without the added complications of a relationship, doesn't help all the 'normals' keep going on about everyone shagging everyone else behind their current lover's backs. :S