Aspergers Syndrome- Dating and establishing a relationship

NAS7432 said:

The annoying thing that I've observed is that Aspie traits in boys - whilst a struggle - can often come across as vulnerable and sweet, which can appeal to girls, but Aspie traits in girls usually make them come off as abrasive or sarcastic etc...  so I almost feel like Aspie boys would find it easier to find a nice girl than Aspie girls would to find a nice boy.... please tell me I'm wrong lol

If only it were that simple.

wash620 said:

I was wondering whether the autistics among us have ever experienced any issues with liking someone romantically, and trying to get to know them, dating them, and becoming closer etc.

This makes me feel ashamed and wonder whether I am a selfish, pathetic individual. Does anyone here with Aspergers have any similar experiences?

you're not selfish and pathetic just because you find it difficult trying to get over someone, us nts have that problem too, this is a 'normal' problem

you hav enothing to be ashamed of

but, its time to start looking for something that can help you move on from her, you dont in essense 'forget about her' you learn from this experience, but you move on from her and use that information later on with a new girl

its not that different from being an nt, you have to find the 'right' person who is willing to listen to your rubbish and who likes it 

Pro tip: Find someone who is faceblind. en.wikipedia.org/.../Prosopagnosia

I know an Aspie+faceblind couple and they're doing better than many NT couples I know. They tell each other what they want or feel, and also wait for explicit confirmation whether the other understood what they meant. Both communicate the same explicit way and agree that "guessing stuff from the face" would make no sense.

Several NT couples I know constantly fight because have this expectation that they don't need to say what they mean, and don't need to confirm what they assume the other one meant, because it's "obvious"... Clearly, it isn't, if it were, they wouldn't be fighting about the same basic things over and over.

Yeah, same problem here...

My theory is, you need to be able to tell that something you said or did made the other person happy or sad. This knowledge guides you confidently how to keep this person's interest, AND it makes you automatically feel good when you are with this person. (I guess!) But if you can't tell the difference you end up doing random things, and the potential crush gets annoyed and leaves.

@KaloJaro, I never know what to do in these superficial "flirt" situations either! If NTs are allegedly oh so good at reading people, why can't they tell it's 100% obvious that a person is not interested in them?!

Are we not only "not receiving the right messages", but also "sending completely wrong messages"...?!

I honestly gave up long ago. Why not just stay alone, what's the difference?

haha as always, it was not quiet so brief! 

I just wanted to briefly add my experience to the mix.

As with everyone else here relationships have been very difficult. I have no idea how to flirt or if a girl is flirting with me. Any relationship I had would end in frustation on their side at the lack of emotion, support and romance I showed. I think now I am a bit older (27) we are all a bit more adult and it is easier. Young girls make no sense at all....

The best advice I can offer is (which is quite a common one) dont go looking for it. Dont dress up and go out looking, the stress is causes puts you in no state to achive anything and you are quite unlikly to find a relationship with this method.

In the end I randomly met a girl through work and I liked her straight away. She was interested in the things I had to say ( or at least pretended to be!) she was intelligent and good looking too. There was no way I was going to ask someone out so a simple "want to watch a dvd sometime?" was the start of it. That way I dont have to go out to the cinema and I can be at home where I feel most comfortable.  Weeks went by of just hanging out watching films and the odd drink in a quiet pub.

Now its 3 years down the line and we are engaged! It's also thanks to her that I am currently under diagnosis for a ASD! I spent a few years before I met my fiance really stressing about relationships and trying everything to find someone. It was only when I let it go it happened.

I am alright looking and keep myself tidy. I dont have flashy clothes (all I see clothes as is a means to keep warm) or much money at all, but I am just myself as thats all I can be. She accepted me for who I was and all the quirks that come with me.

Relationships have kind of happened to me in the past.  You simply have to place yourself in non work places where you meet people repeatedly and are able to demonstrate attractive qualities, e.g. wealth, fitness, energy, fashion sense.  Generally if you do this then people will find you and choose you for their own.

Exactly how to engineer such circumstances I could not say; they simply happened to me at the time due to the flats that I rented.  I suppose always choosing shared accommodation helps.  The problem is that it is far easier to choose accommodation that does not require having to meet people to arrange shared commitments, especially given that I would far prefer to have my own place.

Of course, maintaining the relationship is the difficult thing.  I think the only reason my last relationship lasted so long was because the other party despite having never suspected any kind of differences, in fact positively rejecting the idea of being anything other than normal, was quite happy to not see me for months at a time.  In fact she was even more distant than me.

I have had experiences of relationships. Trying to get into an relationship is not easy but I've found that it does get easier after the first one.

The start of getting into my first relationship was one of the most difficult experiences I've ever gone through. I was 17 at the time; but I acted as if I was a 13 year old girl going through her first crush. If it wasn't for one of my friends, who knows about my condition and understands it well, I probably wouldn't have gone out with the guy in the end because of how akward I was when I first met him.

We went out for about 3 years and in that time I learnt a lot about relationships which helped me a lot when my current boyfriend and I were in the courtship stage. This is what I think helped me in get into my current relationship:

1) Talk about similar interests. For me this was easy as my boyfriend is clearly a fellow metalhead and so it was the starting point for a conversation. Since you go to university being in a society will be helpful to meet and talk to people. It also increases your chances of finding someone. I met my boyfriend on a social night out with the rock society. Anyway, talk about your interests and this will go on to other topics as well. Be careful not to talk too much about one thing. If you happen to do that just say, "sorry, if I've bored you but I have a really big interest in..."

2) Body Language: The most difficult point I know. Unfortunately we have to do a lot of guess work when it comes to other people's body language. This website has a lot of good tips on helping understand about other people's body language so I recommened you read through it. But it is important to remember your own body language. When I had a good guess on how my boyfriend was feeling about me I slowly started moved closer to him in terms of space. Not much just a little so he wouldn't get uncomfortable. You have to be careful in not making this too obvious and make sure they actually like you overwise it'll put the other person off. If you really struggle with this then have a friend act as a wring man for you. Preferably one that knows and understands your condition. They'll be able to help you a lot.

3) Appreance: Yes, it's vain but start of relationships is based on attration and appreance. You don't need to be wearing your best clothes but make sure you look clean and tidy. Girls like guys to be clean and smell nice. It's a really big turn off for girls when guys don't look nice or they smell bad.

I hope this helps you. Sorry if I went off on one a bit. I hope you can find someone. ^^

Yes, I got too hung up on this one girl and am now paying the consequences for it. As for socialising I am improving bit by bit but often these days I get depressed because I think the best years of my life are slipping away and I will end up alone and friendless. I agree that people with AS should not give up. I have the same problem with rambling on about subjects I like. It's all a learning curve and will take quite a long time. It's hard getting over this girl but I'm still going to try very hard to forget about her.

Sorry, I realise I just tumbled into a monologue again!

To answer your question wash620, yes I have been in the same situation as you. I have tried to approach someone I was attracted to in a subtle way, but it just comes across as creepy, e.g. Facebook messages.

I do get hung up on certain people I like, and this is where we go wrong. To have the confidence to approach people in a casual way is the ideal situation, everyone would feel relaxed. But if you have AS this is a lot easier said than done.

Perhaps an option would be to try and socialise as much as possible, so that you maximise the number of people you could be attracted to, instead of just the same person the whole time. The snowball effect could help you to approach relationships in a less intense way. If you eventually become known as a fairly outgoing, friendly, sociable person, then maybe the relationship will find you. People generally don't like anything intense. I'm a very intense person, it's part of my personality. So that's a cross I will have to bear, hence still looking for Miss Right.

It's not easy...

This is all great insight from you guys, and it's so good to hear it from someone else. 

The fact is, unfortunately, people with AS generally lack that intuitive empathy and ability to talk nonsense that most NT people need as an essential social lubricant. I can't stop myself tumbling into an in-depth monologue on subjects that interest me. This is an instant turn-off for most people. Most NTs are attracted to people who can have a laugh (at themselves most importantly), and who can go with the flow, have fun.

My upbringing was fine on the surface, but totally lacking in any meaningful emotional interaction within the family. I never learned how to relate to people within my family. If you don't learn it at that early stage, it will be extremely difficult to pick it up later on.

Now I can see why I have struggled to sustain relationships, the problem stemming from a distant relationship with my parents, most critically with my mum. Looking back, it is so obvious that AS has been in my family for generations.

I was diagnosed AS at 34, I'm now 39.5! People I meet just don't feel comfortable in my company, they can just sense my 'issues' without me saying a word. Then I open my mouth and it's game over. My special interests (not outlandish ones - music, hillwalking) have now taken over the role of companion, and people know it.  I used to be able to form relationships, but just couldn't sustain them. Now I can't even form them.

So I've come to the conclusion that it's best to stick to your interests and try to make contact with potential partners through that context, fingers crossed. If you have AS, you are living daily life on an uneven playing field, and that will never change. Music is a fundamental part of who I am, so the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone for whom music means little or nothing is just not an option. 

Call me picky, but I've gone to the ends of the earth to try and go with the flow, be flexible and it doesn't work, not for someone like me. I'm sticking to my strengths, studying music - that way even if I have to live the rest of my life alone, at least I'll have something to show for my loneliness...

AS has pretty much messed everything up for me, but to throw in the towel would just be too tragic.

I think it is important to accept that as an Aspie, you are different from NTs, and in my experience, the only relationships worth pursuing are with very unusual NTs. If the person is unusual you can tell them right away that you are not into all this "unspoken" stuff and you want to be straigthforward and just say what you want/like/think about the relationship.

Of course, as an Aspie you will have to be as thoughtful as you can about the other person and their feelings, but it is impossible to have a lasting relationship with another person if you have to be acting NT all the time, eventually it will become mentally exhausting.

So, I would say it is important to guard against obsessions (in the sense that they will happen, but recognise them for what they are), and try and find someone to really connect with as your true Aspie self.