Published on 12, July, 2020
You realise this thread is from over 12 years ago, right?
I find expressing my thoughts and feelings hard work, due to being very nervous and having trust issues due to a previous experience. The last year or so, I have become friendly with a girl and we did seem to have a connection, liking the same sort of things. I started to develope romantic feelings towards her and plucked up the courage to tell her how I felt. It didn't go well and she shot me down point blank. Now our friendship has started to fail and my confidence has gone too
wash620 said:Hello everyone. Sorry for the lack of replies over the previous months. I had no idea this thread was still going (stupid email didn't tell me there were replies...). I've now moved on from the girl in question and like someone else who I work with. They're much nicer, easier to understand and smilar to me in terms of personality/interests. I don't think she feels the same way but I'm enjoying spending time with someone nice and overall it is not as stressful as the previous crush. I'm trying not to let it get too intense and it is proving difficult in that area but generally it is a smoother experience
Hello everyone. Sorry for the lack of replies over the previous months. I had no idea this thread was still going (stupid email didn't tell me there were replies...). I've now moved on from the girl in question and like someone else who I work with. They're much nicer, easier to understand and smilar to me in terms of personality/interests. I don't think she feels the same way but I'm enjoying spending time with someone nice and overall it is not as stressful as the previous crush. I'm trying not to let it get too intense and it is proving difficult in that area but generally it is a smoother experience
dont worry about it, all that matters is if any of the comments help you in any way
im glad you have moved on, its not easy, but its worth it as it means you can find someone else who will make you happy, and you deserve that
Hope said:It is even harder if you are both *** and asexual, as I am myself. The whole notion of physical contact, other than firm hugs and cuddles, does not fill me with desire. What I would like is an intimate, close relationship between myself and another girl. But as I find it very difficult to make friends and feel very nervous in unstructured social situations,
It is even harder if you are both *** and asexual, as I am myself. The whole notion of physical contact, other than firm hugs and cuddles, does not fill me with desire.
What I would like is an intimate, close relationship between myself and another girl. But as I find it very difficult to make friends and feel very nervous in unstructured social situations,
that does make it a wee bit more complicated
i suppose the best thing is to meet someone through someone you know and who knows what kinda relationship you want
or a dating place who can match you up with people , its about the most structured you will get in dating i think and again they can try to fit you with people you will match with rather than meeting just random people in a bar
you will probably have to do a wee bit of give and take, you might not like socialisng but its the only way to meet people, and tough as it is you gotta push through it to meet them, and then you can work around how much, or little, of that you want in your life
It is even harder if you are both *** and asexual, as I am myself. The whole notion of physical contact, other than firm hugs and cuddles, does not fill me with desire. What I would like is an intimate, close relationship between myself and another girl. But as I find it very difficult to make friends and feel very nervous in unstructured social situations, I am not too optimistic about relationships at the moment. I don't go to parties or social events. I attend a book-club, but it is made up of old people, and the Asperger's group I go to is primarily male, and I do not fancy the females who attend the group (who are already in relationships with men, anyway). I am a minority within a minority, and this makes things even harder. How do I tell without asking if someone is a ***? To reiterate, I do not like late-night socialising in pubs - do not like pubs, am teetotal in any case; do not like discos, pointless group banter etc. So what do I do?
JoinTheChase said:Lol. Thanks. I think it's helpful just to hear someone say that not all hope is lost hehe. I think the worst thing is I'd probably have the best chance if I was with someone calm and patient, which usually means they're quiet, and if they're quiet, they're less likely to approach me anyway. But hopefully the more I understand about myself, the more I'll be able to socialise a bit and that'll give me a better chance
Lol. Thanks. I think it's helpful just to hear someone say that not all hope is lost hehe. I think the worst thing is I'd probably have the best chance if I was with someone calm and patient, which usually means they're quiet, and if they're quiet, they're less likely to approach me anyway. But hopefully the more I understand about myself, the more I'll be able to socialise a bit and that'll give me a better chance
of course it's not, i won't pretend its easy in an autistic/nt relationship, but what relationship is easy eh
Lol. Thanks. I think it's helpful just to hear someone say that not all hope is lost hehe. I think the worst thing is I'd probably have the best chance if I was with someone calm and patient, which usually means they're quiet, and if they're quiet, they're less likely to approach me anyway. But hopefully the more I understand about myself, the more I'll be able to socialise a bit and that'll give me a better chance :)
i know what you mean jointhechase
even as an nt i have things that i [probably] wont get better from, you just have to learn to accept it as part of who you are
i think its better you have a diagnosis (or even just an idea of whats wrong) so you can then deal with it
of course a boy will like you, you might not be aware of it but lots probably already have, autism means you are less able to tell they like you, so you might not be picking up those 'social cues' that neurotypicals (non autistics) use when they like someone
that might be annoying to learn, but now that you know that, you can learn more about it, ie via body language etc
if you dont see yourself as relationship material then thats part of the problem, you have to accept yourself and that you ARE relationship material, every person is, but its what kinda person you are meant to be with that is the real issue
and then finding them of course, which is usually more difficult if you dont socialise much and when you do you cant tell what someones thinking becaue you dont read social cues, and i really think learning things about people and body language might help you there (i admit im biased, i love all that stuff)
JoinTheChase said:The annoying thing that I've observed is that Aspie traits in boys - whilst a struggle - can often come across as vulnerable and sweet, which can appeal to girls, but Aspie traits in girls usually make them come off as abrasive or sarcastic etc... so I almost feel like Aspie boys would find it easier to find a nice girl than Aspie girls would to find a nice boy.... please tell me I'm wrong lol
The annoying thing that I've observed is that Aspie traits in boys - whilst a struggle - can often come across as vulnerable and sweet, which can appeal to girls, but Aspie traits in girls usually make them come off as abrasive or sarcastic etc... so I almost feel like Aspie boys would find it easier to find a nice girl than Aspie girls would to find a nice boy.... please tell me I'm wrong lol
If only it were that simple.
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I'm sure it's not. I'm sure it's just the way it's portrayed in movies and stuff because it suits their stories...
It may be partly that.
However, if you interview both men and women, and ask them about (A) the type of person they most wish to form a long-term relationship with, and (B) the type of person they most wish to date. The answers, on average, for (A) and (B) will be the complete opposite of each other.
So, whilst it's true that men with Asperger's have most of the traits that women, on average, look for in a husband, for example, they're also the least likely to get dates.
I dare say the same applies to women with Asperger's too.
Oh, and, just incidentally, I find non-girly women far more attractive than very-girly women (and I've known of several other men with similar tastes to myself), so don't lose hope!
(and, speaking of 'hope' - @Hope: if you read this, yes I'm talking about averages, and stereotypes, that does not mean I think that all women, or all men for that matter, conform rigidly to those average stereotypes - they're just statistical mean averages!)
Scorpion0x17 said:The annoying thing that I've observed is that Aspie traits in boys - whilst a struggle - can often come across as vulnerable and sweet, which can appeal to girls, but Aspie traits in girls usually make them come off as abrasive or sarcastic etc... so I almost feel like Aspie boys would find it easier to find a nice girl than Aspie girls would to find a nice boy.... please tell me I'm wrong lol
Reading these posts kinda makes me feel a bit better. I'm 23 and have just been diagnosed as Aspie. I'm in a confusing period of sometimes being relieved to know what's wrong etc, and angry and bitter that after years of thinking it was just depression and I'd get better, actually I'm not going to get better, and I'm going to struggle with this for the rest of my life.
I've never had a "proper" boyfriend. There are boys I've been close to, but it was never really a relationship I don't think. And for a long time I couldn't really work out why they didn't like me. I guess I know now, but since it's not something that will go away, I'm left wondering if any boy will ever like me. They always seem to see me as "one of the boys". I am a tomboy, and I am very uncomfortable in makeup, and can't find "girly" clothes that don't bug the hell out of me, so since I don't dress particularly girly, and I don't act it, I never get past the first impression. So I'm kind of down at the moment that maybe no one will ever like... *try* to see me as a girl if that makes sense. All the boys I've known were more than happy to hang out, but I guess just never saw me as relationship material, and I don't know what to do to make myself that. I don't want to force myself to dress up, cos I'd never be comfortable again. So it's tough :/ The annoying thing that I've observed is that Aspie traits in boys - whilst a struggle - can often come across as vulnerable and sweet, which can appeal to girls, but Aspie traits in girls usually make them come off as abrasive or sarcastic etc... so I almost feel like Aspie boys would find it easier to find a nice girl than Aspie girls would to find a nice boy.... please tell me I'm wrong lol
wash620 said:I was wondering whether the autistics among us have ever experienced any issues with liking someone romantically, and trying to get to know them, dating them, and becoming closer etc.This makes me feel ashamed and wonder whether I am a selfish, pathetic individual. Does anyone here with Aspergers have any similar experiences?
you're not selfish and pathetic just because you find it difficult trying to get over someone, us nts have that problem too, this is a 'normal' problem
you hav enothing to be ashamed of
but, its time to start looking for something that can help you move on from her, you dont in essense 'forget about her' you learn from this experience, but you move on from her and use that information later on with a new girl
its not that different from being an nt, you have to find the 'right' person who is willing to listen to your rubbish and who likes it
Pro tip: Find someone who is faceblind. en.wikipedia.org/.../Prosopagnosia
I know an Aspie+faceblind couple and they're doing better than many NT couples I know. They tell each other what they want or feel, and also wait for explicit confirmation whether the other understood what they meant. Both communicate the same explicit way and agree that "guessing stuff from the face" would make no sense.
Several NT couples I know constantly fight because have this expectation that they don't need to say what they mean, and don't need to confirm what they assume the other one meant, because it's "obvious"... Clearly, it isn't, if it were, they wouldn't be fighting about the same basic things over and over.
SO comforting to read about people who go through the same issues... feeling particularly relieved now. I've had one relationship, but other than that, very little contact with the opposite sex and the relationship itself was unpleasant for me. I too avoid make up and dressing up.
I think the hardest part is keeping up hope that it's going to be ok in the end - I mean I've read a lot about other Aspies and how they eventually end up in relationships. Sheesh I was really bummed out before I started reading this thread but now I feel good again.
Yeah, same problem here...
My theory is, you need to be able to tell that something you said or did made the other person happy or sad. This knowledge guides you confidently how to keep this person's interest, AND it makes you automatically feel good when you are with this person. (I guess!) But if you can't tell the difference you end up doing random things, and the potential crush gets annoyed and leaves.
@KaloJaro, I never know what to do in these superficial "flirt" situations either! If NTs are allegedly oh so good at reading people, why can't they tell it's 100% obvious that a person is not interested in them?!
Are we not only "not receiving the right messages", but also "sending completely wrong messages"...?!
I honestly gave up long ago. Why not just stay alone, what's the difference?
haha as always, it was not quiet so brief!
I just wanted to briefly add my experience to the mix.
As with everyone else here relationships have been very difficult. I have no idea how to flirt or if a girl is flirting with me. Any relationship I had would end in frustation on their side at the lack of emotion, support and romance I showed. I think now I am a bit older (27) we are all a bit more adult and it is easier. Young girls make no sense at all....
The best advice I can offer is (which is quite a common one) dont go looking for it. Dont dress up and go out looking, the stress is causes puts you in no state to achive anything and you are quite unlikly to find a relationship with this method.
In the end I randomly met a girl through work and I liked her straight away. She was interested in the things I had to say ( or at least pretended to be!) she was intelligent and good looking too. There was no way I was going to ask someone out so a simple "want to watch a dvd sometime?" was the start of it. That way I dont have to go out to the cinema and I can be at home where I feel most comfortable. Weeks went by of just hanging out watching films and the odd drink in a quiet pub.
Now its 3 years down the line and we are engaged! It's also thanks to her that I am currently under diagnosis for a ASD! I spent a few years before I met my fiance really stressing about relationships and trying everything to find someone. It was only when I let it go it happened.
I am alright looking and keep myself tidy. I dont have flashy clothes (all I see clothes as is a means to keep warm) or much money at all, but I am just myself as thats all I can be. She accepted me for who I was and all the quirks that come with me.
Relationships have kind of happened to me in the past. You simply have to place yourself in non work places where you meet people repeatedly and are able to demonstrate attractive qualities, e.g. wealth, fitness, energy, fashion sense. Generally if you do this then people will find you and choose you for their own.
Exactly how to engineer such circumstances I could not say; they simply happened to me at the time due to the flats that I rented. I suppose always choosing shared accommodation helps. The problem is that it is far easier to choose accommodation that does not require having to meet people to arrange shared commitments, especially given that I would far prefer to have my own place.
Of course, maintaining the relationship is the difficult thing. I think the only reason my last relationship lasted so long was because the other party despite having never suspected any kind of differences, in fact positively rejecting the idea of being anything other than normal, was quite happy to not see me for months at a time. In fact she was even more distant than me.