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Hi
Money Management is a real issue for one of my lads. The other is trying his best, but still needs pointers. It's a work in progress, but he's getting their. The local resource were very slow to act, so I thought I'd help them myself. The NAS workbook is always a good start. I used it for my eldest to help him in looking at independance, however, my other son struggles terribly.
www.autism.org.uk/.../managing-money.aspx
I think I'm going to have to get him independant help, but I don't think that will come until he's 18. Meanwhile you muddle on don't you.
Good idea re the Carrot of money for the Exam results. Wish I had the funds for that option! Hopefully, you will find yourself happily out of pocket by August and your son will be sporting a huge grin of accomplishment.
Cx
When School ends and College begins it doesn't necessarily stop the meltdowns i'm afraid. Although, it was like you'd turned the volume down on my son when he finally threw the towel in at College. Initially, I saw this as a defeat of sorts, however it was clear that the environment was toxic and his health and mental well being were being compromised, so it was the best option for him in the end.
My son was on a level 3 course, but his advised support never came. The knee jerk reaction of the College was to drop him down to a level 2 (even though that was a far below his ability), rather than give him the support he needed and that had been reccommended. This completely domoralized him as he'd already done a level 2 the over the preceeding two years. He just gave up. It was a dreadful learning environment and so much different from his previous School.:(
These Billy's as we term them in our house. (Meltdowns) Can be very distressing and upset the whole family. It's hard to keep your calm sometimes when you have an unappreciative teenager shouting at you, who demands change 'yesterday'. I had one such run in with my son after writting to you on the last post. He wanted money, but had't made the effort to earn any. Well their's a reality check! Money doesn't grow on trees......This fact had apparently completely elluded him.
He swears he doesn't need help, but can't get himself out of bed unaided (He has a sleep disorder) and forgets to take his meds or feed himself! When they start to talk about independant living it's then that you realize how many skills they fall short and how much support you actually provide as a parent.
A couple of years back he swore that he wanted a full-time job and that he could cope. At the end of each day he was so tired, he couldn't even eat. Needless to say, it didn't last more than a week. I've learned that sometimes their is a disparity between what they say they want and what they can manage. The key is getting them to realize that. It's all part of wanting to fit in I guess, yet they don't realize how unhealthy and exhausting all this 'fitting in' can be.
School support is a tough one. If the School/College are not on board you are never singing from the same hymn sheet. The thing is, that College expects a lot less dependance. Your son will have to be very self-motivated and organised.
You really do have to take each day as it comes. Some days are good, others are dreadful. Remain stoic with the School. The School always blame the parent for a childs difficulties when they are not able or willing to support a child. Sadly, their is an element of, 'Well he's only here for a couple more months and then he's not our problem.' Very poor really, but you begin to feel the same about them after a while of no support. A good School should offer support based on a childs need, not a piece of paper.
A parent of an Autistic child has such a hard job. At the time most teens are independant and quite self-reliant, ours are still struggling with the small stuff.
All I can say is, stay strong and vent here as ofen as you like. For the most part, people here understand. You are not a poor parent with a defiant or delinquent child, but an individual who has a child who is different and who presents challenges that NT' parents may never face.
I hope your son sees reason and manages his exams ok. If he's very bright he may surprize you. The 'ups' are all the pleasurable when they come.
Good Luck
Coogybear
Hello again,
Gosh I wish I could wave a wand. This will sound very negative i'm afraid, but read on and it might give you some insight.
Keeping teens 'on task' is tough. Keeping an Aspie teen 'on task' is like grappling with a box of frogs at times.
I've just had the year from hell with my son. These 'Frenemies' as they are called, seem to come out of the woodwork, don't they.
To be fair, the years trauma was not all down to my sons girlfriend at the time, but also down to the total lack of SEN support at College. He was having a pretty tough time of it on every level.
This girl (First ever girlfriend) was not a good influence. Swore, smoked, lied incessantly, took drugs, you name it. We were pulling our hair out! She was truly a disruptive force in his life and clearly had some significant issues herslf. He was on call to her 24/7 and keeping terrible company, as you can imagine. All her friends, I might add.
We tried very hard to make him see things were not right. They had tiffs all the time and frankly it was like walking on eggshells at home. I tried to reason with him and explain what I could see in these youngsters, but he was so dizzy with the attention of these new 'friends' that he was blind to it all. His bank account and his wallet were frequently emptied and on several occassions we had to retreave him from somewhere where he'd been abandoned by his 'mates,' when the cash had all gone.
At that point, we began to notice marks and bruses all over his body. Eventually, he had his mobile phone stolen from one of the girlfriends, 'friends' and it was all caught on CCTV camera. Witnesssing it, somehow finally turned the 'lightbulb on' for my son, with regard to the 'friends' and he walked away.
Shortly after, the girlfriend ran off (A third time.) with someone else and he hit rock bottom. It was terrible to witness. He wouldn't eat or speak and sobbed continuously. His face was terribly swollen and we later discovered that he'd been regularly physically abused by the girlfriend the whole time he was with her and she'd assulted him very violently on their last meeting. (We learnt this, not from him you understand, but from an aquaintance.) Like many on the spectrun (Including myself) he would not press charges for the assault, nor would he press charges for the phone theft.
The ex-girlfriend then began to bully him online and hacked his facebook account with awful abuse posted everywhere, when he wouldn't get back with her. I phoned the parents, put them in the picture re the phone incident (She was a party to the crime) and her abuse of my son and told them that if it continued, I'd be pressing charges myself, for harrassment! Only then, did the abuse stop.
My heart sank when I learned of the assaults. That he would allow another to hurt him, just because he valued the interest these 'friends' showed him, pained me greatly. I've never hurt my children and never really considered that others would phyisically abuse them in that way. (Extremely naive of me really) I guess subcontiously i was hoping that my family example would set the tone for my kids on what was acceptable, but it didn't. The truth is, is that like my son, I too became a victim as a youngster (Perhaps this is why it hurt me so much to witmess) I was very lucky in some respects. I was never exposed to drugs or even interested in them, however, relationship preditors stalked me like a gazelle and I endured all manor of ill treatment at the hands friends, boyfriends and even a stranger. (which is too much to go into here.)
I've never discussed this with my son and I believe i've always brought him up to know that he deserves respect, but despite my best efforts to help him avoid the misery I endured, he too, fell victim. Afterwards, I ruminated for many days wondering where I went wrong. Should I have spelt it out more clearly to him? Should I have been more firm? Should I have been more aware?
It doesn't seem much to ask does it. A non swearing, non smoking, non drug taking, non-violent partner/friend for your child.
Much like your son, (who from what you say, is good natured and eager to help) my son too is a good lad with a huge heart, yet he has the life skills and judgement skills of a four year old at times. He also doesn't possess the emotional maturity to deal with what he is going through either.
Teens need to expand their experiences and learn about the world for themselves and very often they just want to be part of the group. In my experience, being an Aspie teen is no different in the 'wanting to belong' area, yet the social experiences they encounter are often negetive. When attention does come it can be all consuming for the Aspie individual, but the attention and risk they can expose themselves to, in search of that end, can be extremely damaging without support and direction. Aspie teens don't often see danger in the same way as NT's. They can be naive to the point of total blindness at times and the trait of being singlaly focused, can come across as obsession to some.
Yet at the point when they most want to break loose and rebel like other teens, is often the point they need the most support. I was truely at braking point with my son and it was an awful time for the other members of the household.
I hope the above tale doesn't fill you with dread, but opens your mind to how these things can pan out and difficulties an Aspie teen can experience.
For advice. I can offer only this.
