.

Hello again,

Gosh I wish I could wave a wand. This will sound very negative i'm afraid, but read on and it might give you some insight.

Keeping teens 'on task' is tough. Keeping an Aspie teen 'on task' is like grappling with a box of frogs at times.

I've just had the year from hell with my son. These 'Frenemies' as they are called, seem to come out of the woodwork, don't they.

To be fair, the years trauma was not all down to my sons girlfriend at the time, but also down to the total lack of SEN support at College. He was having a pretty tough time of it on every level.

This girl (First ever girlfriend) was not a good influence. Swore, smoked, lied incessantly, took drugs, you name it. We were pulling our hair out! She was truly a disruptive force in his life and clearly had some significant issues herslf. He was on call to her 24/7 and keeping terrible company, as you can imagine. All her friends, I might add.

We tried very hard to make him see things were not right. They had tiffs all the time and frankly it was like walking on eggshells at home. I tried to reason with him and explain what I could see in these youngsters, but he was so dizzy with the attention of these new 'friends' that he was blind to it all. His bank account and his wallet were frequently emptied and on several occassions we had to retreave him from somewhere where he'd been abandoned by his 'mates,' when the cash had all gone.

At that point, we began to notice marks and bruses all over his body. Eventually, he had his mobile phone stolen from one of the girlfriends, 'friends' and it was all caught on CCTV camera. Witnesssing it, somehow finally turned the 'lightbulb on' for my son, with regard to the 'friends' and he walked away.

Shortly after, the girlfriend ran off (A third time.) with someone else and he hit rock bottom. It was terrible to witness. He wouldn't eat or speak and sobbed continuously. His face was terribly swollen and we later discovered that he'd been regularly physically abused by the girlfriend the whole time he was with her and she'd assulted him very violently on their last meeting. (We learnt this, not from him you understand, but from an aquaintance.) Like many on the spectrun (Including myself) he would not press charges for the assault, nor would he press charges for the phone theft.

The ex-girlfriend then began to bully him online and hacked his facebook account with awful abuse posted everywhere, when he wouldn't get back with her. I phoned the parents, put them in the picture re the phone incident (She was a party to the crime) and her abuse of my son and told them that if it continued, I'd be pressing charges myself, for harrassment! Only then, did the abuse stop.

My heart sank when I learned of the assaults. That he would allow another to hurt him, just because he valued the interest these 'friends' showed him, pained me greatly. I've never hurt my children and never really considered that others would phyisically abuse them in that way. (Extremely naive of me really) I guess subcontiously i was hoping that my family example would set the tone for my kids on what was acceptable, but it didn't. The truth is, is that like my son, I too became a victim as a youngster (Perhaps this is why it hurt me so much to witmess) I was very lucky in some respects. I was never exposed to drugs or even interested in them, however, relationship preditors stalked me like a gazelle and I endured all manor of ill treatment at the hands friends, boyfriends and even a stranger. (which is too much to go into here.)

I've never discussed this with my son and I believe i've always brought him up to know that he deserves respect, but despite my best efforts to help him avoid the misery I endured, he too, fell victim. Afterwards, I ruminated for many days wondering where I went wrong. Should I have spelt it out more clearly to him? Should I have been more firm? Should I have been more aware? 

It doesn't seem much to ask does it. A non swearing, non smoking, non drug taking, non-violent partner/friend for your child.

Much like your son, (who from what you say, is good natured and eager to help) my son too is a good lad with a huge heart, yet he has the life skills and judgement skills of a four year old at times. He also doesn't possess the emotional maturity to deal with what he is going through either.

Teens need to expand their experiences and learn about the world for themselves and very often they just want to be part of the group. In my experience, being an Aspie teen is no different in the 'wanting to belong' area, yet the social experiences they encounter are often negetive. When attention does come it can be all consuming for the Aspie individual, but the attention and risk they can expose themselves to, in search of that end, can be extremely damaging without support and direction. Aspie teens don't often see danger in the same way as NT's. They can be naive to the point of total blindness at times and the trait of being singlaly focused, can come across as obsession to some.

Yet at the point when they most want to break loose and rebel like other teens, is often the point they need the most support. I was truely at braking point with my son and it was an awful time for the other members of the household.

I hope the above tale doesn't fill you with dread, but opens your mind to how these things can pan out and difficulties an Aspie teen can experience.

For advice. I can offer only this.

• Rehearse some senarios about 'frenemies.' What they might look like, some of the things they might do etc. (the chances are he will have to witness or experience insidents many times before the penny finally drops, but be patient with him. Make him understand that you cannot always judge a book by it's cover)
• If he is open about his condition. (My son has only just come to terms with his diagnosis) explain why that makes him more vulnearable and the steps he needs to take for his own saftey. Use video senarios if you can find them. Visuals have a greater impact in helping Aspies see the 'bigger picture.' (try and source ones specifically made for Aspies.)
• Tell your son to trust, that you are there for him and that the advice you give is sound and not an effort to control or ban him from doing things. This should (but not always) raise the likelyhood that he will come and talk things through with you if something goes wrong. (discuss issues as calmly as you can)
• Don't asume (as i did) that example has cemented any understanding of how others should behave and what is acceptable behaviour toward your son. Reiterate what is correct and acceptable behaviour and advise him on keeping safe. Consolidate that if you can, but don't come across as nagging.
• look for literature that supports your son in his 'keeping safe' quest. Seeing it, reading it or haering it from third parties often holds more credence for teens than just Mum/Dad/Guardian prattling on.
• Read as much as you can about keeping your son safe. Articles, books etc
• Steer your son, try not to direct him. Lay out choices and allow him to choose. If it doesn't work, help him understand that it's not a failure on his part and that changing tack is ok
• Help him understand the link between doing something wrong and the possible consequences. Most Aspies (Myslef included) like rules which we can follow and know that we are doing what's right.
• Keep it real. Most teens think their parents have never been a teen. Using expamles of when you have made similar mistakes or judgements, shows them that you were a teen once and you have had a whole life in which to glean your wisdoms.
• Reinforce the importance of doing his exams and getting the grades he needs now, rather than having to take an extra year to sit his exams all over again. Retakes are no longer an option now I gather so it's likely he'd have to sit the entire course again if he fails.
• If he does fail with his exams, give him options. Encourage him to resit the courses etc at college If they are necessary for his career. Failures have the affect of sticking in the minds of Aspies and he may not want to retake them in case he fails again. If he can achieve sucess it later it may cancal that out. (Chances are the friend may have moved on by then also.)
• Remember, their is always a plan B.
• Be kind to yourself. It's a hard job bringing up Aspie Teens. Mistakes will happen. Crisis will occur and the water will flow under the bridge.

Hello again,

Gosh I wish I could wave a wand. This will sound very negative i'm afraid, but read on and it might give you some insight.

Keeping teens 'on task' is tough. Keeping an Aspie teen 'on task' is like grappling with a box of frogs at times.

I've just had the year from hell with my son. These 'Frenemies' as they are called, seem to come out of the woodwork, don't they.

To be fair, the years trauma was not all down to my sons girlfriend at the time, but also down to the total lack of SEN support at College. He was having a pretty tough time of it on every level.

This girl (First ever girlfriend) was not a good influence. Swore, smoked, lied incessantly, took drugs, you name it. We were pulling our hair out! She was truly a disruptive force in his life and clearly had some significant issues herslf. He was on call to her 24/7 and keeping terrible company, as you can imagine. All her friends, I might add.

We tried very hard to make him see things were not right. They had tiffs all the time and frankly it was like walking on eggshells at home. I tried to reason with him and explain what I could see in these youngsters, but he was so dizzy with the attention of these new 'friends' that he was blind to it all. His bank account and his wallet were frequently emptied and on several occassions we had to retreave him from somewhere where he'd been abandoned by his 'mates,' when the cash had all gone.

At that point, we began to notice marks and bruses all over his body. Eventually, he had his mobile phone stolen from one of the girlfriends, 'friends' and it was all caught on CCTV camera. Witnesssing it, somehow finally turned the 'lightbulb on' for my son, with regard to the 'friends' and he walked away.

Shortly after, the girlfriend ran off (A third time.) with someone else and he hit rock bottom. It was terrible to witness. He wouldn't eat or speak and sobbed continuously. His face was terribly swollen and we later discovered that he'd been regularly physically abused by the girlfriend the whole time he was with her and she'd assulted him very violently on their last meeting. (We learnt this, not from him you understand, but from an aquaintance.) Like many on the spectrun (Including myself) he would not press charges for the assault, nor would he press charges for the phone theft.

The ex-girlfriend then began to bully him online and hacked his facebook account with awful abuse posted everywhere, when he wouldn't get back with her. I phoned the parents, put them in the picture re the phone incident (She was a party to the crime) and her abuse of my son and told them that if it continued, I'd be pressing charges myself, for harrassment! Only then, did the abuse stop.

My heart sank when I learned of the assaults. That he would allow another to hurt him, just because he valued the interest these 'friends' showed him, pained me greatly. I've never hurt my children and never really considered that others would phyisically abuse them in that way. (Extremely naive of me really) I guess subcontiously i was hoping that my family example would set the tone for my kids on what was acceptable, but it didn't. The truth is, is that like my son, I too became a victim as a youngster (Perhaps this is why it hurt me so much to witmess) I was very lucky in some respects. I was never exposed to drugs or even interested in them, however, relationship preditors stalked me like a gazelle and I endured all manor of ill treatment at the hands friends, boyfriends and even a stranger. (which is too much to go into here.)

I've never discussed this with my son and I believe i've always brought him up to know that he deserves respect, but despite my best efforts to help him avoid the misery I endured, he too, fell victim. Afterwards, I ruminated for many days wondering where I went wrong. Should I have spelt it out more clearly to him? Should I have been more firm? Should I have been more aware? 

It doesn't seem much to ask does it. A non swearing, non smoking, non drug taking, non-violent partner/friend for your child.

Much like your son, (who from what you say, is good natured and eager to help) my son too is a good lad with a huge heart, yet he has the life skills and judgement skills of a four year old at times. He also doesn't possess the emotional maturity to deal with what he is going through either.

Teens need to expand their experiences and learn about the world for themselves and very often they just want to be part of the group. In my experience, being an Aspie teen is no different in the 'wanting to belong' area, yet the social experiences they encounter are often negetive. When attention does come it can be all consuming for the Aspie individual, but the attention and risk they can expose themselves to, in search of that end, can be extremely damaging without support and direction. Aspie teens don't often see danger in the same way as NT's. They can be naive to the point of total blindness at times and the trait of being singlaly focused, can come across as obsession to some.

Yet at the point when they most want to break loose and rebel like other teens, is often the point they need the most support. I was truely at braking point with my son and it was an awful time for the other members of the household.

I hope the above tale doesn't fill you with dread, but opens your mind to how these things can pan out and difficulties an Aspie teen can experience.

For advice. I can offer only this.

• Rehearse some senarios about 'frenemies.' What they might look like, some of the things they might do etc. (the chances are he will have to witness or experience insidents many times before the penny finally drops, but be patient with him. Make him understand that you cannot always judge a book by it's cover)
• If he is open about his condition. (My son has only just come to terms with his diagnosis) explain why that makes him more vulnearable and the steps he needs to take for his own saftey. Use video senarios if you can find them. Visuals have a greater impact in helping Aspies see the 'bigger picture.' (try and source ones specifically made for Aspies.)
• Tell your son to trust, that you are there for him and that the advice you give is sound and not an effort to control or ban him from doing things. This should (but not always) raise the likelyhood that he will come and talk things through with you if something goes wrong. (discuss issues as calmly as you can)
• Don't asume (as i did) that example has cemented any understanding of how others should behave and what is acceptable behaviour toward your son. Reiterate what is correct and acceptable behaviour and advise him on keeping safe. Consolidate that if you can, but don't come across as nagging.
• look for literature that supports your son in his 'keeping safe' quest. Seeing it, reading it or haering it from third parties often holds more credence for teens than just Mum/Dad/Guardian prattling on.
• Read as much as you can about keeping your son safe. Articles, books etc
• Steer your son, try not to direct him. Lay out choices and allow him to choose. If it doesn't work, help him understand that it's not a failure on his part and that changing tack is ok
• Help him understand the link between doing something wrong and the possible consequences. Most Aspies (Myslef included) like rules which we can follow and know that we are doing what's right.
• Keep it real. Most teens think their parents have never been a teen. Using expamles of when you have made similar mistakes or judgements, shows them that you were a teen once and you have had a whole life in which to glean your wisdoms.
• Reinforce the importance of doing his exams and getting the grades he needs now, rather than having to take an extra year to sit his exams all over again. Retakes are no longer an option now I gather so it's likely he'd have to sit the entire course again if he fails.
• If he does fail with his exams, give him options. Encourage him to resit the courses etc at college If they are necessary for his career. Failures have the affect of sticking in the minds of Aspies and he may not want to retake them in case he fails again. If he can achieve sucess it later it may cancal that out. (Chances are the friend may have moved on by then also.)
• Remember, their is always a plan B.
• Be kind to yourself. It's a hard job bringing up Aspie Teens. Mistakes will happen. Crisis will occur and the water will flow under the bridge.