Feeling angry, very upset and confused

Hi Hope, it's a really good set of questions you ask. Recently, I've been looking back to my childhood, and it seems surprising that no one noticed anything, given how frankly strange my behaviour must have looked. In reality, I think the answer is as banal as to say that teachers don't generally have training in neurodiversity and so don't know what they're dealing with, and tend to be very busy, meaning that they don't look into more intractable situations in much depth. Not a very satisfactory answer, admittedly.

I definitely know what you mean about doubting yourself. Since thinking about this topic, I sometimes wonder whether I 'make things up'- something that makes little sense in relation to one's own thoughts and feelings. Ultimately, I think that going through the process you have described is likely to lead to a better result in the future, even if it takes a considerable time.

Sometimes, when life is tough, we push away the emotions because we cannot deal with them. Later they return, and if we then let the emotion wash over us and ebb away in its own time, then it is dealt with, and we can begin to move forward and leave the painful memories behind.  It is tempting to say "it is time for me to move on now" and leave this behind, but you may not be ready and just supress it again.

Hiding behind a carapace of repressed pain, is not a recipe for happiness. We need to deal with painful events as they arise. You will become strong by dealing with emotions, not by supressing them.

I have had painful flashbacks, usually in the early hours of the morning. I feel safe to deal with them, when in bed. I have become less angry and less fearful of people, now these things are behind me.

Hi Hope. Re eye contact, I try to look at some part of the face,  I usually choose the mouth, as I find this helps me hear when there is background noise ie I lip read a bit. I think that some people may think that I am a bit deaf. Someone once commented so. I guess I would rather that than being thought rude. I never realised that others thought eye contact was so important until I joined here. I have been watching people a little recently, and find that some do actually look into the eyes of the person they are speaking to. I experimented on a lady in the bank recently. I managed the odd glance, because she was not saying anything important that I needed to remember. I don't intend to repeat the experiment. My eyes often drift downwards, and I find myself looking at the clothes a person wears.

I also don't quite understand when to look at someone, and when not too. I have encountered people who become uncomfortable when I look at their face for too long. I look away, but don't know where to look then. It seams strange to gaze at some other object when I am speaking to an individual.

Thank you for your kind words

It is strange in a way, because when I got diagnosed 7 years ago I was happy and relieved; it is only lately that I am plagued by anger and doubt. Maybe these emotions were there all along but I just repressed them into the unconscious. I am aware I need to face up to these thoughts in order to move on. I think the biggest problem for me is that acting a part is profoundly alienating; I wish I could be more relaxed and able to be my true autistic self without trying to pass for NT all the time.

The problem, though, is that being true to oneself is often  not accepted in society. Fitting in reduces the liklihood of bullying and can be a uselful coping strategy if you have the ability to mimic NTs, but because it is not heartfelt and is simply delayed echolalia, it feels dishonest. Then feelings of doubt start to emerge, and this creates inner psychic pain. I compare it to the tale of the little mermaid - she traded her tail for legs, but by becoming human she felt pain and lost her voice. It feels like I have lost my voice by aping NTs, but I have got so good at this over the years, even though it is exhausting and eventually leads to mental lethargy.

In fact I am trying to stop forcing myself to make eye contact, undoing years of NT social brainwashing. Making eye contact is hard work and by looking at someone, I am not taking in any information because my mind can't process two things at once. My biggest fear is that by doing what feels natural, not making eye contact but casting my eyes downward (even looking at the face can be distracting), I will appear rude or uninterested. But maybe I should place my own wellbeing above other people's opinion? What do you think about the eye contact dilemma?

Hello Hope.

  I do understand how you feel. Ruminating is something I do often also and is quite typical of Aspies, so I'm told.

Some years back, I was quite crushed by such thoughts and at a loss to understand why life had been so hard for me. Like you, I was undiagnosed and I felt a pretty poor human being for not being able to cope.

I managed to find a really good counsellor, the first ever, (They are a bit of a mixed bag in my opinion) and began to look at the healing process. It was an often painful and exhausting process, but very necessary in my case, given the level and gravity of the traumas.

Mindfulness sessions soon followed and I began to be able to acknowledge and affect the constant playing over; of often negitive, thoughts.

I also found writing things down very cathartic. Somehow putting the hurt down on paper lessened it's hold on me.

I'm not sure if any of the suggestions above might help you. Trust me, I'm no where near what I would term as 'normal,' but the truth is, I've taken a few steps in the direction of a little more happiness than I had and that feels way better than where I was.

For Aspies, our ability to record all the hust as if it was yesterday, can be very destructive. I've come to understand that the hurt of yesterday is nothing I can change, but armed with the knowledge of why and how people were able to hurt me so badly, lets me ensure that they can't in the future.

In a period where we've spent 60 years learning about Autism, I believe it's high time we shifted the focus to happiness and wellbeing. I sincerely hope you find some peace Hope.

My thoughts are with you hun and no you don't sound like a narcissist.

Coogybear

Hope, I am sorry to hear you feel so angry :(

I am new here today as feeling a little lost awaiting some sort of diagnosis for my son.

Anyway - during the course of trying to get him a diagnosis I realised that the string of terrible school reports I received when I was younger is probably not down to the fact I was a "lethargic daydreamer". I hated school too - I suffered constant teasing and it felt like EVERYONE was on a sports team and not me. 

I too have felt resent toward the system for dismissing me as an underachiever (I am very intelligent but can't concentrate for toffee and lack any sort of basic organisation skills - rendering me pretty hopeless). I have also felt resent at the near impossibility of receiving any sort of adult diagnosis in my area should I want to go down that route. 

You have not said how old you are. I am 39 - far less was known/done about ADHD, ASD etc back then - so I imagine there are A LOT of people like me - especially females (which I am).

Anyway....I figured there was no point in feeling resent - I have love and friends and a beautiful (although extremely challenging) son ( all of whome accept my ways). At 39 I feel I cannot waste time on feeling bitter towards all I may have lost from not receiving the right support when I needed it. I have also vowed to do everything I can to help my son with his life - so that he does not go through the same. 

I have days I don't know who I am too - but for all the people who probably think I'm weird, I have gone past caring.

My point being is that life can feel pretty lonely at times and I have found out that acting hostile towards ignorant people doesn't make me feel any better - it just makes me feel worse. 

As hard as it is, don't try and make sense of what is making you angry because there probably is no sense in it. 

It helps to remember that the NT are inherantly hostile to our people. If you can write off their behaviour as anticipated enemy action, it becomes significantly less uncomfortable