Feeling angry, very upset and confused

Lately I have been compulsively re-playing the past in my mind over and over again. I need closure. I want to know why the educational system were so negligent that they missed my Asperger's; that they did not give me the help that I needed; that I spent my teen years feeling like a horrible person, with no social life, just constant anxiety and rejection. I cry and feel so hurt when I think about it. As I get older the injustice is like a seeping sore, the battle wounds of my past that most people do not see because I put on a mask and I am a good actor. I can easily hide the hurt and look merry and calm; I have learnt how to repress my feelings. But I am starting to feel the strain, and I wonder how much longer I can go on until the hard outer carapace crumbles and my soft inner core is exposed for all to see.

I had real difficulties as a child, and came very close to being statemented with SEN. An educational psychologist recommended this, but school did not follow through, and I received minimal support that just focused on my academic difficulties, and failed to help me with friendships and the social world.

I only got diagnosed when I was 21, and if I had not fought for this, I don't think I would received any diagnosis. That's the problem - I can act a part too well. I appear social and friendly, I know how to mimic because I have an excellent rote memory, but there is no emotional understanding. I often feel anger and resentment towards people, that is, Neurotypicals, who cast me off with platitudes that I am 'mild' or 'high functioning'. Well here is the truth: I am not mild, I am not high functioning, I have struggled with life and I still struggle. I am not a people person; another truth, I sometimes hate people or the things they say. It is people that wreck my self esteem, that invade my ego with their false 'opinions', and constantly make assumptions based on my outward appearance.

I don't know who I am, and this makes me feel so confused and wretched. I doubt myself. I even doubt my diagnosis, although I know it is the only thing that really describes who I am.

I don't know how much longer I can maintain the act. Maybe there will be a time when I revert back to type, become that silly child again and throw caution to the wind. Maybe then, people will see my true nature and I won't have to feel angry anymore.

Why was it not picked up?

God, what I have written looks awful, like I am some narcissist. Maybe that is what I am?

Parents
  • Hello Hope.

      I do understand how you feel. Ruminating is something I do often also and is quite typical of Aspies, so I'm told.

    Some years back, I was quite crushed by such thoughts and at a loss to understand why life had been so hard for me. Like you, I was undiagnosed and I felt a pretty poor human being for not being able to cope.

    I managed to find a really good counsellor, the first ever, (They are a bit of a mixed bag in my opinion) and began to look at the healing process. It was an often painful and exhausting process, but very necessary in my case, given the level and gravity of the traumas.

    Mindfulness sessions soon followed and I began to be able to acknowledge and affect the constant playing over; of often negitive, thoughts.

    I also found writing things down very cathartic. Somehow putting the hurt down on paper lessened it's hold on me.

    I'm not sure if any of the suggestions above might help you. Trust me, I'm no where near what I would term as 'normal,' but the truth is, I've taken a few steps in the direction of a little more happiness than I had and that feels way better than where I was.

    For Aspies, our ability to record all the hust as if it was yesterday, can be very destructive. I've come to understand that the hurt of yesterday is nothing I can change, but armed with the knowledge of why and how people were able to hurt me so badly, lets me ensure that they can't in the future.

    In a period where we've spent 60 years learning about Autism, I believe it's high time we shifted the focus to happiness and wellbeing. I sincerely hope you find some peace Hope.

    My thoughts are with you hun and no you don't sound like a narcissist.

    Coogybear

Reply
  • Hello Hope.

      I do understand how you feel. Ruminating is something I do often also and is quite typical of Aspies, so I'm told.

    Some years back, I was quite crushed by such thoughts and at a loss to understand why life had been so hard for me. Like you, I was undiagnosed and I felt a pretty poor human being for not being able to cope.

    I managed to find a really good counsellor, the first ever, (They are a bit of a mixed bag in my opinion) and began to look at the healing process. It was an often painful and exhausting process, but very necessary in my case, given the level and gravity of the traumas.

    Mindfulness sessions soon followed and I began to be able to acknowledge and affect the constant playing over; of often negitive, thoughts.

    I also found writing things down very cathartic. Somehow putting the hurt down on paper lessened it's hold on me.

    I'm not sure if any of the suggestions above might help you. Trust me, I'm no where near what I would term as 'normal,' but the truth is, I've taken a few steps in the direction of a little more happiness than I had and that feels way better than where I was.

    For Aspies, our ability to record all the hust as if it was yesterday, can be very destructive. I've come to understand that the hurt of yesterday is nothing I can change, but armed with the knowledge of why and how people were able to hurt me so badly, lets me ensure that they can't in the future.

    In a period where we've spent 60 years learning about Autism, I believe it's high time we shifted the focus to happiness and wellbeing. I sincerely hope you find some peace Hope.

    My thoughts are with you hun and no you don't sound like a narcissist.

    Coogybear

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