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Feeling angry, very upset and confused

Hope

Lately I have been compulsively re-playing the past in my mind over and over again. I need closure. I want to know why the educational system were so negligent that they missed my Asperger's; that they did not give me the help that I needed; that I spent my teen years feeling like a horrible person, with no social life, just constant anxiety and rejection. I cry and feel so hurt when I think about it. As I get older the injustice is like a seeping sore, the battle wounds of my past that most people do not see because I put on a mask and I am a good actor. I can easily hide the hurt and look merry and calm; I have learnt how to repress my feelings. But I am starting to feel the strain, and I wonder how much longer I can go on until the hard outer carapace crumbles and my soft inner core is exposed for all to see.

I had real difficulties as a child, and came very close to being statemented with SEN. An educational psychologist recommended this, but school did not follow through, and I received minimal support that just focused on my academic difficulties, and failed to help me with friendships and the social world.

I only got diagnosed when I was 21, and if I had not fought for this, I don't think I would received any diagnosis. That's the problem - I can act a part too well. I appear social and friendly, I know how to mimic because I have an excellent rote memory, but there is no emotional understanding. I often feel anger and resentment towards people, that is, Neurotypicals, who cast me off with platitudes that I am 'mild' or 'high functioning'. Well here is the truth: I am not mild, I am not high functioning, I have struggled with life and I still struggle. I am not a people person; another truth, I sometimes hate people or the things they say. It is people that wreck my self esteem, that invade my ego with their false 'opinions', and constantly make assumptions based on my outward appearance.

I don't know who I am, and this makes me feel so confused and wretched. I doubt myself. I even doubt my diagnosis, although I know it is the only thing that really describes who I am.

I don't know how much longer I can maintain the act. Maybe there will be a time when I revert back to type, become that silly child again and throw caution to the wind. Maybe then, people will see my true nature and I won't have to feel angry anymore.

Why was it not picked up?

God, what I have written looks awful, like I am some narcissist. Maybe that is what I am?

Parents

  • Thank you for your kind words Smile

    It is strange in a way, because when I got diagnosed 7 years ago I was happy and relieved; it is only lately that I am plagued by anger and doubt. Maybe these emotions were there all along but I just repressed them into the unconscious. I am aware I need to face up to these thoughts in order to move on. I think the biggest problem for me is that acting a part is profoundly alienating; I wish I could be more relaxed and able to be my true autistic self without trying to pass for NT all the time.

    The problem, though, is that being true to oneself is often  not accepted in society. Fitting in reduces the liklihood of bullying and can be a uselful coping strategy if you have the ability to mimic NTs, but because it is not heartfelt and is simply delayed echolalia, it feels dishonest. Then feelings of doubt start to emerge, and this creates inner psychic pain. I compare it to the tale of the little mermaid - she traded her tail for legs, but by becoming human she felt pain and lost her voice. It feels like I have lost my voice by aping NTs, but I have got so good at this over the years, even though it is exhausting and eventually leads to mental lethargy.

    In fact I am trying to stop forcing myself to make eye contact, undoing years of NT social brainwashing. Making eye contact is hard work and by looking at someone, I am not taking in any information because my mind can't process two things at once. My biggest fear is that by doing what feels natural, not making eye contact but casting my eyes downward (even looking at the face can be distracting), I will appear rude or uninterested. But maybe I should place my own wellbeing above other people's opinion? What do you think about the eye contact dilemma?

Reply

  • Thank you for your kind words Smile

    It is strange in a way, because when I got diagnosed 7 years ago I was happy and relieved; it is only lately that I am plagued by anger and doubt. Maybe these emotions were there all along but I just repressed them into the unconscious. I am aware I need to face up to these thoughts in order to move on. I think the biggest problem for me is that acting a part is profoundly alienating; I wish I could be more relaxed and able to be my true autistic self without trying to pass for NT all the time.

    The problem, though, is that being true to oneself is often  not accepted in society. Fitting in reduces the liklihood of bullying and can be a uselful coping strategy if you have the ability to mimic NTs, but because it is not heartfelt and is simply delayed echolalia, it feels dishonest. Then feelings of doubt start to emerge, and this creates inner psychic pain. I compare it to the tale of the little mermaid - she traded her tail for legs, but by becoming human she felt pain and lost her voice. It feels like I have lost my voice by aping NTs, but I have got so good at this over the years, even though it is exhausting and eventually leads to mental lethargy.

    In fact I am trying to stop forcing myself to make eye contact, undoing years of NT social brainwashing. Making eye contact is hard work and by looking at someone, I am not taking in any information because my mind can't process two things at once. My biggest fear is that by doing what feels natural, not making eye contact but casting my eyes downward (even looking at the face can be distracting), I will appear rude or uninterested. But maybe I should place my own wellbeing above other people's opinion? What do you think about the eye contact dilemma?

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