Published on 12, July, 2020
Are there any other people on this forum with Asperger's who literally have no friends at this point in time, and that includes being in a relationship?
I have had friends before, but not since I was 11 years old, and the friendships I had as a child usually broke down after only a few weeks. I have a history of struggling to maintain friendships, although they were enjoyable while they lasted, but once I started secondary school, making friends became completely insurmountable. I became a loner, the kid no-one talked to, and I amused myself. Not that I really minded this at the time, because I had my own interests to fall back on, and I soon came to the conclusion that small talk was too difficult, pointless, and often boring. Why bother with something that is so difficult and made me feel so stupid and tense?
However recently I have started to question whether or not I should try and make friends again. I do like company, and I don't want to spend my life alone. I want to have a soul-mate, someone I can enjoy life with, and go places with. However I need a lot of time alone as well - this is my conundrum.
Is it normal within the world of AS not to have any friends at all? At school I was excluded from friendship groups because I did not speak enough, or was too clingy!. I tried my hardest to fit in; I took on the quiet 'good girl' persona, but this did not work, so I became troublesome and annoyed people to get some social feedback. Obviously this just meant that I was singled out as weird and strange, but no one told me how to navigate the social world (I was not diagnosed until I was 21).
Although I was lucky in the sense I was not overtly bullied (I was just a loner and removed myself from the crowd), the experience of being alone while other girls chatted and laughed together has left me with an inferiority complex. I often feel diminutive both literally (I am very small anyway) and figuratively; there is a feeling that I am diseased, dirty, and completely unlikeable. Most of the time these feelings are repressed, but theu come to the surface from time to time - a legacy of social exclusion.
Am I the only one who has not had a 'friend' since childhood, if at all?
I have recently been diagnosed with Asperger's last year. My childhood friendships were a bit like yours, I find it difficult to maintain friendships. When I was in the middle of senior school (year nine) I spent most of my breaks and lunchtimes walking around school on my own, if you add all the those lunchtimes I would have probably walked for miles. The way I describe it for me is 'being between a rock and a hard place' I want to socialise but I feel inside like I'm not bothered, it can be hard work. A good word I would use when it comes to socialising struggles is connecting to people, I don't have that 'clicking' feeling inside me. I do have a banter at work with colleagues. For me, I have accepted this as part of who I am. I have a family who understands me and the way I see the world.
I am waiting for a diagnosis, in a few months I have an appointment to be assessed.
I agree that friendships are difficult, having to keep up my "mask" of normality all the time is draining. I have not had any friends for quite a few years now, and feel no need for them. I find it more enjoyable being alone, going for walks in the countryside and spending ages looking at things that I like, with no concern of how it may appear to NTs. Maybe when diagnosed I will look for any groups that meet, never actually met an Asperger's person before, be interesting at the very least and may have some common ground, even just a moan about general life.
The main thing is to be who you are and accept that you are different and have talents and skills that others don't. Another good thing is not being a sheep, following silly trends etc. Would despair if I followed all the soap operas/reality shows etc. That's all you sometimes hear the "sheep" bleating at each other about LOL.