Published on 12, July, 2020
Are there any other people on this forum with Asperger's who literally have no friends at this point in time, and that includes being in a relationship?
I have had friends before, but not since I was 11 years old, and the friendships I had as a child usually broke down after only a few weeks. I have a history of struggling to maintain friendships, although they were enjoyable while they lasted, but once I started secondary school, making friends became completely insurmountable. I became a loner, the kid no-one talked to, and I amused myself. Not that I really minded this at the time, because I had my own interests to fall back on, and I soon came to the conclusion that small talk was too difficult, pointless, and often boring. Why bother with something that is so difficult and made me feel so stupid and tense?
However recently I have started to question whether or not I should try and make friends again. I do like company, and I don't want to spend my life alone. I want to have a soul-mate, someone I can enjoy life with, and go places with. However I need a lot of time alone as well - this is my conundrum.
Is it normal within the world of AS not to have any friends at all? At school I was excluded from friendship groups because I did not speak enough, or was too clingy!. I tried my hardest to fit in; I took on the quiet 'good girl' persona, but this did not work, so I became troublesome and annoyed people to get some social feedback. Obviously this just meant that I was singled out as weird and strange, but no one told me how to navigate the social world (I was not diagnosed until I was 21).
Although I was lucky in the sense I was not overtly bullied (I was just a loner and removed myself from the crowd), the experience of being alone while other girls chatted and laughed together has left me with an inferiority complex. I often feel diminutive both literally (I am very small anyway) and figuratively; there is a feeling that I am diseased, dirty, and completely unlikeable. Most of the time these feelings are repressed, but theu come to the surface from time to time - a legacy of social exclusion.
Am I the only one who has not had a 'friend' since childhood, if at all?
This may sound rather "sad", but some of the best aquaintances I have had, over the years, have been the office misfits and wierdos. We are perceived as flawed people by nts and so are many others around. I no longer seek the company of the popular people, they can pick and choose.
I often try to talk to people who are avoided by others. It has many advantages. They expect less from others and are more tollerant. They can more easily be approached alone. They too can be feeling lonely and appreciate the company. I have heard some strange tales and ignored much prickly behaviour, but when you get beneath the crusty exterior, there may be some likeable qualities.
There is an old saying,"a friend in need, is a friend in deed". This can be taken many ways, but I think that if someone really needs something from you, they are more likely to return the favour. It doesn't always work, but friendship takes practice. If you practice on less popular people, there are less repercussions of failure, and sometimes unexpected rewards.