Published on 12, July, 2020
Are there any other people on this forum with Asperger's who literally have no friends at this point in time, and that includes being in a relationship?
I have had friends before, but not since I was 11 years old, and the friendships I had as a child usually broke down after only a few weeks. I have a history of struggling to maintain friendships, although they were enjoyable while they lasted, but once I started secondary school, making friends became completely insurmountable. I became a loner, the kid no-one talked to, and I amused myself. Not that I really minded this at the time, because I had my own interests to fall back on, and I soon came to the conclusion that small talk was too difficult, pointless, and often boring. Why bother with something that is so difficult and made me feel so stupid and tense?
However recently I have started to question whether or not I should try and make friends again. I do like company, and I don't want to spend my life alone. I want to have a soul-mate, someone I can enjoy life with, and go places with. However I need a lot of time alone as well - this is my conundrum.
Is it normal within the world of AS not to have any friends at all? At school I was excluded from friendship groups because I did not speak enough, or was too clingy!. I tried my hardest to fit in; I took on the quiet 'good girl' persona, but this did not work, so I became troublesome and annoyed people to get some social feedback. Obviously this just meant that I was singled out as weird and strange, but no one told me how to navigate the social world (I was not diagnosed until I was 21).
Although I was lucky in the sense I was not overtly bullied (I was just a loner and removed myself from the crowd), the experience of being alone while other girls chatted and laughed together has left me with an inferiority complex. I often feel diminutive both literally (I am very small anyway) and figuratively; there is a feeling that I am diseased, dirty, and completely unlikeable. Most of the time these feelings are repressed, but theu come to the surface from time to time - a legacy of social exclusion.
Am I the only one who has not had a 'friend' since childhood, if at all?
Hope said:I have many acqaintances from voluntary work and social groups, so I do have a bit of a social life, but it is hard to take the step from acqaintance to friend. It is not clear when someone becomes a friend because adults do not approach someone and say 'would you like to be my friend'. Children play games, adults are expected to talk, and building a conversation involves mental effort - it is tiring.
I have many acqaintances from voluntary work and social groups, so I do have a bit of a social life, but it is hard to take the step from acqaintance to friend. It is not clear when someone becomes a friend because adults do not approach someone and say 'would you like to be my friend'. Children play games, adults are expected to talk, and building a conversation involves mental effort - it is tiring.
I think you need to find people who share your interests. When we were children we (perhaps this was an aspie thing?) would say "will you be my friend?". Children would also say that "you're not my friend anymore". As an adult, my best friend at work hasn't agreed to any such contract. We just meet for lunch in the canteen everyday and discuss the things we are both interested in. I think we worked out by trial and error that we were similar, we are similar in psychological type, we both have a scientific background, we are both interested in the technical side of work and we both struggle with the social side. You have to do a bit of probing and you have to allow yourself to be probed a bit in order to find out who you are compatible with. It takes a lot of trial and lots of errors but unless you make a small opening gambit to enough "strangers" then you can't be "in it to win it". Does it help to think of strangers as people you just don't know very well and that all of your possible friends are currently in the "stranger" category. Stranger doesn't mean "nasty bad man", as we were told as a child, but it means that they are "known unknowns". We know that we don't know whether we would like them.