Family Party

 Roy I’m sorry that’s it’s had to take a meltdown for this to happen. Your original thread resonated with me a lot as I’m currently struggling with similar and I too have taken similar action. It’s the feeling of not being understood that never goes away though. 

Also wanted to say…there’s something a gathering/party/function in someone’s home. It always feels off to me. Like amongst all the sensory/communication mis matches, is the feeling that your in the wrong place for a “party” like this is a home, with particular smells and textures and places you can or can’t go, and no where to escape to other then the bathroom, which often isn’t very private, making it even more difficult to relax and not think about everything that comes with it. That environment is very very intimate and it makes my toes curl

I hope you are doing OK and I’m glad your wife is supporting you. Take care of yourself

Thank you all for just being there, I feel a lot better now the decision has been made.

The monster mash! 

No, ‘you’ll always find me in the kitchen at parties’ 

Orangegnome said:

I love the song that this thread made me think of.

What was that?

Party Fears Two by The Associates came to mind.

I remember a thread of,  name a Halloween song. 

Love this idea Roy and I love the song that this thread made me think of. When you have the energy I would love you to start the thread off

Thanks, I was thinking about a thread based on peoples choices of a verse from a music lyric they find poignant.
I’m just looking for someone to word it better and start it off.

Roy said:

just end up standing in the corner of a kitchen

Jona Lewie.

Roy said:

I get fed up with having to hide autism like it’s a dirty secret.

Thanks for all your replies, I unfortunately don’t have the energy to reply individually to you all. 
My wife has now messaged my sister and explained, she sent a very nice reply, she fully understands and feels very much the same as me, she is going to tell mother over the weekend.  I’ve Been to parties before and just end up standing in the corner of a kitchen and still seem to be in the way. Everyone else just seems to know what to do.

Guilt is a weapon that’s very easy to weald, it’s a punishment that’s often used without us even realising it. 

I often just want peace and quiet, I never really ask for anything. I get fed up with having to hide autism like it’s a dirty secret. 

ArchaeC said:

Guilt is destructive so I hope you can set it aside, at least some of the time, to allow yourself to look after yourself first. I agree that it’s a difficult thing to do. 

Thank you and for your kind words.

I'm so sorry about your sibling.

From having been here a few years and having read a lot of stories, it does seem that traumatic upbringings + family conflict as adults are quite common for us.

B said:

Some friends have previously said to me that with the way that my mother and sister have acted towards me that they would have cut them off but I've never been able to do this.

This says so much about your kind and caring nature, and along with your sense of duty, it’s not surprising that guilt rears its head.

Guilt is destructive so I hope you can set it aside, at least some of the time, to allow yourself to look after yourself first. I agree that it’s a difficult thing to do. 

In my case, my sibling was so terrible, people told me not to have contact with them. I needed to hear that as they caused me harm. My psychiatrist at the time was of the same view, so it took away some of the guilt, but sometimes I wonder why I’m as I am and in my situation. That’s not a healthy or constructive way of thinking so I usually move on from thinking that way, but the thoughts reappear now and again. I think it’s important to acknowledge them and then move on.

I can relate - I don't speak to my mum, nor one of my brothers. Essentially, they're not my type of people and I'd had enough of it.

I always find that people struggle with that situation, as it's regularly said to me that 'it's your mum' or 'why are you so bothered by that' ... But they're not me, and I am bothered 

Alexa said:

I had to see a therapist in my 30s to help me to partially establish some boundaries,

I am so sorry to read this about you too A.

Abusive mothers, especially emotional and psychological abuse, appear quite 'common' on this forum.

Apart from other undiagnosed mental illnesses, I have thought in recent years that my mother was narcissistic.

Thank goodness we survived, albeit not undamaged.

B said:

Some friends have previously said to me that with the way that my mother and sister have acted towards me that they would have cut them off but I've never been able to do this.

I sympathise. My mother made it clear from when I was about 12 that I wasn't the child she wanted. Virtually everything I said, did or wore was a cause for criticism. I had to see a therapist in my 30s to help me to partially establish some boundaries, but her behaviour continued until she died. At one stage, I visited her GP to tell him not to expect me to take any responsibility for her if my father died first. He had nearly struck her off his list at least once due to her behaviour, so he understood.

ArchaeC said:

Your experience with your mother and sister could have been describing my experience with a parent and sibling. 

I am sorry your have experienced similar.

Some friends have previously said to me that with the way that my mother and sister have acted towards me that they would have cut them off but I've never been able to do this.

I think that our good natures, sense of duty etc are taken advantage of and I'm prone to guilt.

My sister is now disabled and I try very hard indeed to not be dragged in to her care.

I think that looking after ourselves first is something that can be rather difficult.

B said:

Sometimes our families are the worst people we know.

I do agree with you B. Your experience with your mother and sister could have been describing my experience with a parent and sibling. 

Roy said:

It’s all led to me having some very dark thoughts, this mustn’t continue.

No it mustn't.

Look after yourself Roy.

I'm glad you don't have to suffer the party and that your wife is supportive.

When my mother eventually went into hospital with a fall, and my sister was abusive to me on the phone, I changed my phone number and never saw my mother again and refused to engage with any services with regard to my mother's future.

I had spent years as my mother's carer with no support and with constant verbal abuse from her.

It was honestly a great relief to me when she passed away.

I only ended up speaking to my sister again when she wrote me a letter apologising and there was a crisis with her son.

Sometimes our families are the worst people we know.

I'm glad your wife is now onboard. I'm in a very different situation to you as I don't see my family any more, but I do get the cost to you of family parties. I also get that stress prevents you being very active. Stress is the reason why I have taken breaks from here, largely through an inability to write coherently.

You definitely need to prioritise yourself in all this, whether or not your family understands why you struggle. 

Hi Roy, I don't get stressed in the lead up, but I absolutely see how you are once there (aside the previous alcohol issue) ... We all have some difficulty with social stuff, it's needed for an autism diagnosis for one, and I think it's something that NT people see very differently .. 

I didn't go to two cousin's weddings over the last couple of years, and those around me just don't understand why. Luckily, I have the resilience to just refuse, and the awkwardness to not worry about what other people make of my decision 

It's a strange phenomenon to me, this whole 'social rulebook", and I'm pleased to see your update that you're just going to dodge the whole event - Good call I say!