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Family Party

Roy

I’m becoming very stressed over an upcoming family party, it’s next month and it’s my mothers 80th birthday. 
It’s being held in her house and a lot of people have been invited, I know it will become very noisy and involve a lot of alcohol. 
Im expected to be there, it’s known I will struggle and shutdown but I will still be expected to sit there and pretend to be enjoying it. I know the “cheer up or can’t you just try?” Comments will start, it’s making more anxious as the day draws closer. It’s actually making me feel ill.

I live there when I’m working, so there is no escape. I don’t want special treatment, I just need to be left alone. Messages are pinging back and forth about what party drinking games they could do, I’ve been alcohol free for two and a half years, I don’t want to go back to the old me. If I was to mention autism to any of them, I know it would just lead to stupid comments. Sorry just venting but I know you are the only people who would understand.

  • That sounds like an awful time.

    Maybe perhaps, you can pop out when it starts getting too much, to buy something you've forgotten at a shop that's quite far away (like the town over), then return with a bag of ice/ chocolates /snacks, something that makes them all feel you were thinking of them. And perhaps a specific non-alcoholic beverage to iterate your non-drinking stance? Just on top of the other suggestions to give yourself a break away from it too.

  • Sorry you will have to suffer this Roy.

    I feel for you.

    Bouquet

  • Hello Roy.

    As a fellow booze free fellow, I know how hard it was for me to kick it in the first place.  It would be a shame to be drawn back into it if you don't want or need it, but that is your choice and not anyone else's.  Being busy, as was suggested, would be a good idea; play to your strengths, and you have the perfect reason to keep a low profile by doing so.  Someone has to keep the dishes washed, plates topped up, and generally keep supplies flowing; why shouldn't it be you?  I'm sure your mother would be happy to be able to enjoy her celebration whilst you beaver away in the background.  Grinning

    I know that it's socially expected for these milestone events, and that's hard to deal with.  So, being busy or finding a watertight reason for not being there are your only choices, I fear.  So, make peace with it (if you can) and prepare for it beforehand so that you have coping tools ready planned to reach for as needed.

    Good luck, and do come back here and tell us how it went and what you did to navigate through it.

  • I cope with these kind of situations by dipping in and out, maybe taking charge in the kitchen, maybe taking any food I have to eat into a quieter space. I can cope with a certain amount of party and also I am not expected to join in if I don’t want to, which it seems you are. This is such a shame as surely people can see you are going to struggle. Cry

  • in reply to lostmyway

    My worry is that i will get stressed enough to start drinking again. I will try and keep busy, perhaps find an escape room.

  • Roy, you can simply say you don’t drink anymore and leave it at that. Maybe find some tasks to do while the party is going on to keep you away from the noise, like helping in the kitchen or organizing the food - anything that keeps you from getting too caught up in the party. If people make comments just tell them you're ok and smile.

  • in reply to forget_me_not48

    Thanks for your reply, you describe it all very well, the anger and then dislike of these people does build up. Most of these people behave badly enough when sober, add alcohol and mayhem normally ensues.

    An invite isn’t an invite when it’s compulsory. 

  • Hi   I don’t have any advice, but just wanted to say I absolutely 100% feel your distress. I have the same problems but I havnt figured out a way around it. I also become anxious and distressed in the build up to an event. I then become resentful and angry which makes for a really bad combination of feelings. I get angry because WHY are we expected to do these things? Did we sign a contract? No. Did we give our authority? No. I really do wish you well. I would say maybe tell them you arnt able to take this on/ can only stay for an hour etc but that’s not possible I know. They end up thinking you don’t care which is another misunderstanding. It feels very claustrophobic doesn’t it?