I will start with being less of a people pleaser and less compliant.
That would probably have changed the course of my life.
How about you?
I will start with being less of a people pleaser and less compliant.
That would probably have changed the course of my life.
How about you?
Ultimately, I would want to convince my younger self to become agnostic atheist, rather than Protestant.
I was deeply afraid of being called gay, so on top of already being a bit girl-crazy I was desperate to constantly have a girlfriend to prove my heterosexuality. That was wrong on so many levels (I was literally homophobic and didn’t realize it). I also would have benefitted from being told that Hell isn’t real. I was so deeply afraid of being punished eternally for even the slightest sin, so here I was completely girl-crazy and girlfriend-focused but afraid of sex. I think that caused way more internal turmoil than what it was worth. Once I knew how to have safe and consensual sex, why frustrate myself so much over that?
One thing I’m not sure I’d want to tell my past self is that deep down I am polyamorous. I like the idea of doing that and seeing how fulfilling that could be to just be myself without worrying so much about traditional Christian values of monogamy, but then again… Maybe I’d end up stabbed and left in a ditch somewhere, too. Idk about that, maybe it’s best I learned that when I did lol.
One thing I’m not sure I’d want to tell my past self is that deep down I am polyamorous.
Polyamorous or pansexual? When I finally went to bed with a woman, sex felt as natural with her as it had with my male partners. Nowadays, I'd call myself pansexual rather than bisexual. Definately not polyamorous.
I'd tell my younger self not to be concerned about someone's body shape - what matters is love.
Yay! I’m glad to hear you have found yourself! Congrats!
I’m polyamorous demisexual. I’m mostly attracted to people who have proven to be friendly or at the very least appear to be friendly. I lean so much more towards women that I’m okay with identifying as heterosexual (the demi part is hard to explain to non-LGBTQ+ folk), but I do believe there have been a couple cases where I strongly fought the urge to develop a crush on men. So… maybe a 90/10 or 95/5 split? lol. It’s hard to imagine being intimate beyond snuggling up next to another man, but I am infamous in my friend circle for being very snuggly with people I trust regardless of gender lol
The polyamorous part is tough, because I realized that AFTER having a wife and kids. So theoretically I don’t practice polyamory, but I do believe I have an inclination towards it. There have been many situations throughout my life where I was completely confused by why I was experiencing so many crushes at once. Even if I felt devoted to one person, I couldn’t help but have strong feelings for others. I knew it was wrong (by societal values), but couldn’t fully fight it. I know it sounds like I’m just a cheater, and that’s what I’ve been labelling myself for decades, but honestly? I think it’s just a part of who I am. Some people like me just struggle with the idea of intimacy with only one person forever. Now that I recognize it, I feel more confident I can control myself and stay devoted to my wife, because now I have a better grasp on how and why I develop these feelings. The easiest way to fix this is by having most of my friendships online and geographically far apart.
For example, when I started dating my now-wife during college, I simultaneously had an unrequited love for another good friend. I was so torn up about it, I even ended up attempting to hook up that friend with my roommate so that I could at least feel like I was dating her vicariously. Super messed up and I regret that. Had I known it was because of my polyamorous leanings, I probably would have respected their friendship more and focus more on my actual girlfriend. Or, perhaps I could have admitted to both ladies what I actually am? Probably would have missed an opportunity to date either, but hey, at least I’d have been myself.
Ultimately, I hate polygamy. Sounds hilarious, but I think that’s a stupid idea. Polyamory IS NOT the same as polygamy. That’s just a recipe for a disastrous family environment. What I approve of is the idea of having one devoted partner, then the possibility of other, less devoted partners. In other words, trusted best friends should be allowed to be intimate (so long as it is safe, of course). Swinging is okay, though I feel like that is too dangerous. Not to mention I only find people I think I can trust attractive, so it probably wouldn’t work for me anyways lol.
Phew, sorry for the explosion of words. I don’t often have an opportunity to discuss my sexual preferences without fear of being slapped around. Even at the LGBTQ+ group I volunteer for (they assume I’m a cisgender heterosexual ally). My closest friends have generally accepted my orientation, and though several of them identify as bi, none of them agree with or understand the polyamory. So thanks, I appreciate the excuse to get that off my chest lol
Why does sex have to be confined to marriage?
Right? What’s important is knowing how to do it safely and with consent, and for some reason churches think teaching what really matters is going to damn them to Hell. Sickens me, honestly.
but at any age of life, the threat of abuse dosen't go away.
Yeah… That’s pretty sick that there’s never an age that women can feel totally safe from that.
that she'd be a good mistress but not a wife because she liked sex!
That’s such a pathetic claim to make. I’m stunned there’s men out there that feel justified saying stupid stuff like that.
Even in the secular world there's a lot of the "daughter of Eve" nonsense, although the bible never actually mentions that sex was what caused the fall.
I think one of the worst things was it not being seen as "nice" to like sex, I mean WTF has "nice" got to do with it? Nice is a word thats used to judge women, really it means submissive and knowing ones place, men have this idea that their desires are primal and deserve to be attended too, whereas a woman's are something different, usually baby related. There are even quite a lot of men who say they want an sexually adventurous woman, but when they get one, they can't handle it, a woman who's able to say what she wants and what she dosen't seems really scary and they feel unmanned by the lack of control.
Its not as teens that women struggle to show desire, but at any age of life, the threat of abuse dosen't go away.
Another horrible thing was what a friend was once told, that she'd be a good mistress but not a wife because she liked sex!
I can't imagine what it must be like growing up with that sort of Christianity, or any other religion that's so anti-sex and womens sexuality in particular. Why does sex have to be confined to marriage?
I really appreciate this response. You have explained it very well and I value your experience.
Women can and do have a strong sex drive, I did, it's just less socially acceptable to admit to it and potentially dangerous as so many men think that if a woman wants sex then she must want it with them.
That makes a ton of sense. I guess I’m used to my wife who used to have a bit of a libido but then completely lost it after having kids. But even when she did have a drive, it did feel a bit like it was more of “a thing that needs to be done” rather than “a thing that is exciting or at least meaningful.” So looking back, I’m pretty convinced she was always a bit ace. Since she’s the only person I’ve really gone that far in a relationship with, I suppose I just attribute that to all women.
Granted, I think another problem that led to my warped vision of women not liking sex is that I come from a very strongly Christian background. Like 3/4s of the girls I dated were not just Christian, but from conservative backgrounds, too. That meant for them sex was a completely taboo subject. I’m guessing sex was still a difficult thing for them even after marriage because of how taboo it was. Ironically, I have around five female friends/family who came from that background, married a man, then divorced and came out as lesbian. One of which even became a pastor for a brief stint before coming out. (EDIT: I just remembered another acquaintance of mine that attempted to become a pastor, then gave up, divorced her husband, and came out as lesbian. So two ladies I know went that route!) I think making sex so ridiculously taboo only serves to make it intolerable, especially for women.
I totally understand your point that it is less socially acceptable for women to have a sex drive primarily due to safety. I can’t imagine being a female teen with those urges and needing to be careful showing those urges due to the potential of abuse. That’s twisted and I wish things were different, but you’re right.
I used to feel like that too before it happened, but in reality its more akin to not being hungry after a good meal, not bloated or overfull, just comfortable.
At first I did feel like I'd forgotten something and I'd have to try and remember what it was and then get in a bit of a flap about it, then I realised if I was conciously having to remember to try and find someone to be attracted too, then it really wasn't worth the effort.
I don't think it's gender related if I'm honest, I think men are allowed to more open about their sexual needs than women, still. Women can and do have a strong sex drive, I did, it's just less socially acceptable to admit to it and potentially dangerous as so many men think that if a woman wants sex then she must want it with them.
We've all had an age when we were aware of sex and that it was something we'd want to do in the future, but not yet and it still felt a bit ick. For me it was when I was about 12, I felt aware and sensible, I was gaining an idea of who and what I was, then the hormones hit and 40 years of insanity ensued, now I've picked up from where my 12 year old self left off and I like it here.
I’m glad to hear that you are happy in your situation.
I feel like if I were to ever lose my libido I would feel like something is missing - probably because I’m a guy - but I would hope I’d feel the same as you do. That sounds like so much less stress, honestly.
Monogamy's great if its mutual, but if you look at the numbers of people who have or have had affairs you'll see it's not that mutual.
I'm in the strange position of not having a libido at all now, it's great like having an extension to my head, you don't realise how much attention having a libido uses up until you no longer have one.
I don't miss intimacy at all, if I want a cuddle, I have cats and a dog, one of the brilliant things is they have no expectations of things going any further which was something I often found difficult.
I hope I never regain my libido, if I do, I'll be looking for ways to get rid of it again, they whole idea of having to go through all the palaver of finding someone acceptable feels like such a drag. I'm so much happier in myself with no sex drive, there's no pressure to look good or to be "good enough". I was always hetrosexual, I can see the attraction of breasts, but another womans undercarriage, no.
I do sincerely hope that you are happy and content with your current relationship.
You are very kind.
Yes I am at my most content thank you.
I wish you the same.
I do sincerely hope that you are happy and content with your current relationship.
You are very kind.
Yes I am at my most content thank you.
I wish you the same.