Anxiety after socialising

I used to think that I was diabled by depression and anxiety.

When I realised that I was on the spectrum, then my problems loomed large and incurable.

I think recombitantsocks has a point, I need to find some more positve angle.

When I was depressed, I decided that I should smile every time I saw my reflection. With time, I changed my view of myself to thinking I was sometimes happy. If I think that the rest of the world should embrace my difference and accept me more, and that the problems are more their fault than mine, maybe eventually, I will feel more positive and confident.

At the moment, my view oscillates throughout the day. Perhaps, at some point, I will settle for something in the middle.At the moment I am thinking about everybodies ideas, as I am lacking in rolemodels.

@hope, yes it's a disability but it usually isn't a totally debilitating condition. Are you viewing this through black vs white thinking? We are bad at some things but good at others, we have a different mix of skills from the NT crowd but it is possible to use the diagnosis to unlock the puzzle that we can sometimes entrap us.

Following the discussion of "stop signals", one thing I have found helpful when I got stuck in racing negative thoughts was to listen to podcasts. There are lots of radio 4 programmes on science, philosophy, psychology etc on the bbc website. I find that these can be interesting and engaging enough to displace a destructive train of thought.

Another approach is to challenge your thought processes and ask yourself whether your thoughts are reasonable. Perhaps you also need to challenge your definition of reasonable and readjust it to match that of the ordinary NT persons frame of reference. Ask youself whether the "man on the clapham omnibus" would agree that you were being reasonable with your critique of a social encounter. Would he be so damning in his analysis as you seem to be?

en.wikipedia.org/.../The_man_on_the_Clapham_omnibus

I would agree that talking to an ASV person is different to talking to an NT person.  There is no small talk which I welcome. I know I'm not missing a whole load of non-verbal cues that are part of an NT conversation - almost all the meaning is in the words spoken and those words can be taken literally with no need to work out if the other person was being sarcastic or was making a joke that i failed to get. I feel as if I'm an equal partner in the conversation. Talking to an NT person I feel as if they are leading me in a dance whose steps I can only guess at.

I would like to offer a different opinion. Everyone's experience of autism is, of course, unique to them, and some people do experience it as a disability, myself included.

Also, as an adult with Asperger's, I actually sometimes find it far harder to converse in person with those on the spectrum because we are both at a social disadvantage, and so the conversation can very easily go off track. I find it easier to converse with chatty, extrovert, and highly empathic neurotypicals.

Hi Electra,

I see what you mean. We are a variation of normal. We are too numerous to anything other. It is the rest of society who have a problem, because they don't accept and tollerate us as we are. We have to put up with a lot from the majority of those arround us, why do they not embrace our differences.

As a nation, we are obliged to accept other races and creeds or we are not politically correct, so why are variations in personality and communication style regarded as a disability, which requires treatmant and correction? So much of what I have read seems to label me deffective.

Hi Marjorie195. I'm glad you are finding the forum a good way of getting support. The relief of discovering that you are on the spectrum is enormous.

In my opinion we don't have a condition, we are valid and healthy variations of being human. Though often told we have communication diffculties and deficiences, we can communicate perfectly well with others on the spectrum. We have a different communication style but there is nothing lacking or wrong about it.

Thank you for your replies.

I am not officially diagnosed, so it is difficult to critisise others who may not understand my issues.

I was outed behind my back by an aquaintance with a degree in psychology. Comments received led me to investigte further and it all suddenly made sense. After years of treatment, for depression and anxiety, which helped very little, I am now reading all I can find, and trying to make life better for myself.

I will look at the book you sugested and also try the "stop" tactics to try and control the situation.

This site is proving helpful. It is such a relief that I am not just a bad person, but have a recognised condition. It is good to talk with people like me.

As to stopping the anxiety there are two recourses: as suggested above, convincing yourself it doesn't matter, and using a "stop" word or action.

Most social situations don't matter. If someone does take issue after a social event, in my experience it is usually someone with delusions of grandeur. For that reason it is best to avoid trying to socialise with cliquey or pretentious individuals, though I appreciate that is hard to do. It may be more of a problem in the work place, where there is a clear hierachy and someone might suggest you undermined or questioned their authority.

OK so there are too many situations where playing down the social encounter doesn't resolve your anxiety. So the other option is to use "stop" signals. You can use pain, though people will wonder what you are up to. Flick your ear lobe, or use a broad rubber band on your wrist and pull and release it sharply against the inside. It stops the process for a few seconds and breaks the train of thought.

You can, with practice, develop "stop" words or phrases in your head (or you might want to say them aloud in private). I use "I'm sick of this" or "I've had enough of this". It has become almost automatic when I start worrying now. 

Marjorie,

I am using "Living Well on the Spectrum" by Valerie Gaus as a workbook for some situations. There is a section in there about dichotomous thinking and developing a strategy to exploit your thinking skills in a positive way rather than in a destructive way. I think the whole approach of deliberately trying to find our strengths rather than fretting over our problems is a better way of dealing with the diagnosis.

I take the possition that anyone holding the symptons of my condition against me is a bigot whose position holds no relavance or intelectual integrety for me...no problem...

Thank you both for your replies. It is good to know that people understand.

My thinking often strays beyond black and white into catastrophising. It can be hard to call a halt. I think I need to accept that I cant go back and change anything. How do you stop it all racing round in your head?

Marjorie,

Do you think that you are falling into black and white thinking. Are you trying to decide whether social events are either successes or failures? Would it help to try and accept that that there will be good bits and the occasional faux pas? One mis-step won't ruin the evening for anyone.

People on the autistic spectrum don't get much feedback in social interchange. Because of that it seems to follow that, to understand our perception of what happened, we have to engage in one-sided analysis.

You don't know the other persons' reactions so you feel the need to explore all the possible permutations. I think that need helps predispose people on the spectrum to spiralling anxiety and negative reinforcement (but that's just a personal theory).

People not affected by autism don't seem to hold on to memories of what happened during social interchange (unless perhaps something really puzzled or offended them). Most social interchange involves feedback which, by people's reactions, informs any offender of annoyance or inappropriateness. On the whole NTs forget most conversations, unless there were important facts/gossip/opinions to pass on to others. The actual etiquette doesn't seem to be stored.

Because we have little feedback it is hard to tell whether something we might have said was serious or trivial. If you have said something bad you would probably have sensed hostility at the time.

However I spend a lot of time analysing misunderstood conversations. I seem to miss offers of a drink, for example, and then feel awkward if I'm left out. I don't seem to register what is probably not clearly elucidated.