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Too many thoughts, not enough time to say them

Rayyah

Hi - I was wondering if anyone else struggles with this.

One of the hardest parts of being autistic for me is that I have so much information and so many thoughts in my head, but I can't always get them out quickly enough. By the time I've worked out how to explain something, the conversation has often moved on, or people have lost patience with me. It can be really frustrating because I know what I want to say, it just doesn't come out at the same speed.

Recently, I've had several important people in my life, including bosses and directors, tell me things like, "You need to stop talking," or, "Now isn't the time." I understand that sometimes there are appropriate times for discussions, but the way it's been said has left me feeling like I'm being told to just be quiet.

It makes me feel like a child who's being silenced rather than an adult who's simply trying to communicate. I find it really patronising and invalidating, especially when I'm already putting so much effort into expressing myself. It leaves me questioning whether people are listening to what I'm saying or just wishing I'd stop talking.

I also find social situations exhausting. Noisy places make it difficult to concentrate on conversations, and trying to keep up with everything that's happening, while also masking, leaves me completely drained afterwards.

Something else I struggle with is that people often don't believe I'm autistic because I'm intelligent or because I don't fit their idea of what autism "looks like." Even if I'm wearing my autism lanyard or badges, or I tell someone, "Sorry, I'm autistic," I still get comments like, "You don't seem autistic." It's really disheartening because autism doesn't have one look, and being intelligent doesn't make someone any less autistic.

I think people underestimate how much effort goes into socialising. Interpreting conversations, reading body language, dealing with sensory overload, trying to respond in the "right" way, and worrying about saying the wrong thing all happen at once. It can become overwhelming very quickly.

I'd really like to know if anyone else experiences this, especially feeling like your brain is full of information but your mouth can't keep up, or feeling like people lose patience because it takes you longer to process and explain things.

  • Dear Rayyah,

    I can see that you have already had some really good replies from the community, I hope this has helped you feel that you are not alone with this experience. 

    The community had a post recently that I thought might interest you: (+) Increasing Autism Awareness? - Miscellaneous and chat - Home - National Autistic Society - Our Community -many of the community shared their experiences of autism awareness and acceptance. 

    I also thought it might help for you to take a look at a couple of our NAS resources:

    I hope this helps.

    Take care,

    Olivia Mod

  • in reply to Rayyah

    Me too, it's one of the things I miss about being at uni, having people that at least have a basic understanding of a lot of differnt things and can engage in a meaningful conversation because they know how to ask questions. Even being in a place where there is a university makes the general population a bit more clued in.

    One of the reasons I find expressing myself is that I have to start from such basics with so many others its like talking to small children, in fact many small children are better as they ask such good questions, especially as they're to young to understand abstract concepts. I feel like many people never get past this stage and rarely even ask a question, just go away or make me go away

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    I know what you mean about the lanyards. I don't wear mine all the time either. I mainly use it at university or on public transport because those are the places where I find it most useful. Outside of that I don't usually bother.

    The "you don't look autistic" or "you're too intelligent to be autistic" comments are frustrating. It's strange how people still have this fixed idea of what autism is supposed to look like, when obviously there isn't one way an autistic person looks or behaves.

    I can definitely relate to what you said about ideas being difficult to express. I often know exactly what I want to say, but by the time I've worked out how to put it into words, the conversation has already moved on, or people lose patience. That's one of the things I find hardest.

    I also use AI for similar reasons. It's nice being able to explore ideas or ask questions without feeling judged or rushed. I use it for research, organising my thoughts, helping me write things, and sometimes just talking through something that's bothering me. It doesn't replace people, but it does fill a gap when it's difficult to find someone who shares the same interests or has the patience to listen. I wish it were easier to have those deeper conversations with people in everyday life.

  • in reply to Jalapeno

    I completely get where you're coming from with the sunflower lanyards. For me it's a bit different because I have multiple chronic conditions, and AuDHD is just one piece of the puzzle. My university gave me the lanyard, so I mainly wear it there and sometimes when I'm using public transport. Outside of those situations I generally don't wear it.

    I also agree that trying to get some NTs to understand can feel impossible. The places I struggle most are university and work because people have become more vocal about having issues with the way I communicate. It often feels like I could explain myself until I'm blue in the face and it still wouldn't make any difference, which is exhausting.

    As for avoiding overwhelming situations, I'm actually quite similar. University, work, and medical appointments are the things that drain me the most because they're unavoidable. Outside of that, I'm not very social, I have a few friends I chat to on WhatsApp, but I don't really go out or attend social events. Even with such a limited social life, the things I have to do still use up a lot of my energy.

    And yes, I am diagnosed AuDHD. I can't remember if I mentioned it in my original post, but yes, I have both autism and ADHD.

  • I don't wear a lanyard, there are so many lanyards for so many different things that I wonder if they've ceased to be meaningful?

    I always wonder what an autistic person looks like? Maybe ask the next time someone says it to you?

    Intelligence is another thing, why do people assume that you can't have something like autism and be intelligent, I mean can you imagine anyone saying 'you're to intelligent to have a broken leg' and getting away with it?

    I often have ideas that I can't express quickly enough or that others don't understand or are to impatient to listen too, its really frustrating. I saw a letter in the paper the other day about how many people talk to AI and this person was saying the reason is loneliness and that more humans and socialising was the answer. I thought, if only! I can rarely find anyone to talk about gardening with let alone something like mediaeval history. If all you want to talk about is soaps and football then I'm sure you'll find lots of people to talk to, but anything more or deeper seems to be beyond many people. I use AI, for all sorts of things, helping to plan new bits of the garden, a place for an emotional vomit, a better search engine when I want to look something up or find a new something. I've used it to help with my ancestry research and all sort of things and I can discuss all my strange and out there ideas with it and it dosen't look at me like I'm about to sprout a second head.

  • Sorry I do have a personal hate of the sunflower lanyards - I guess its personal choice, and your experience of wearing them is probably one of the very reasons I would not wear them.  If others find them of use then they must not mind NT's saying the wrong thing because of their limited knowledge or Autism and Neurodiversity, but that (NT lack of awareness - and understanding) for me is not my problem to solve

    I personally prefer to do limited disclosure to NTs (family included) , yet within ND groups I have no problem - my view is trying to get an NT to understand us is pretty much near impossible whatever the setting is, so why bother as obviously it then can cause you more anxiety

    Also why expose yourself to situations which overwhelm you or drain your batteries.   How I socialise is different to what NTs consider socialising and I choose low demand settings.  Typical NT therapist  may call this avoidance (and they say this is bad for me ) - but I largely do what I need to do and avoid other stuff which to me is unnecessary - it's being kinder to myself .  Work is something I need to do, rather than want, that does take it's toll for sure, and is probably the hardest area of our lives being ND, regardless of how Disability/ND aware your colleagues or employer is.


    BTW are you AuDHD like me ? or if not have you even considered it or looked into it.  Just came to mind when reading some of your comments