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Estrangement from adult child

coffeeandcake

I received my diagnosis two years ago age 54. Just before that, my adult daughter had cut contact with me. We'd always had a good relationship but when her dad left, I was suddenly in massively stressful circumstances including having to repatriate with them. The divorce lasted years and that, difficult living conditions and no support from family or friends, took a huge toll.

During those years I didn't know I was autistic (dual diagnosis autism and ADHD), had no idea about autism let alone about the need to regulate. My daughter (also ADHD but not autistic) became like a different person when she hit teenage years and I was in constant overwhelm. It was a recipe for disaster and there were many arguments. Looking back now, of course I can understand how we were both struggling.

My reason for the post is because I've been stuck in my life ever since. Feeling shame and grief at the same time - shame for what happened and shame that I have a daughter who is estranged from me. I can't seem to move on. I've had counselling and understand why it all happened logically, but the feelings of shame and grief persist. I'm in a fog all the time, have no motivation to do anything and am very depressed, which I'm on medication for. 

There's not a possibility of contact so that's not the advice I need, and even if there was, at this moment nothing is guaranteed. The help I badly need and the reason for posting is that I'm stuck in my life. Has anyone been through a similar experience and how did you live again? How did you move forward? 

  • I know the difficulties that break ups bring. I struggled to cope with the high emotiins involved by everyone to the extent of distancing from family and children in a bid to avoid any upset, conflict or stressful emotions. I still have limited communication, preferring text/written to phone or face to face.  The shame is that my youngest thinks he is to blame as he was young and those years were hard for him.  I am late diagnosed and can appreciate my struggle to cope wasnt good on me. Ive not shared diagnosis but am sad at their struggles and possibly what I have missed.

  • I have just posted a very similar situation here and strangely even our usernames are similar and involve cake! , as is the title of the post, almost the same. Complete coincidence - I only found your post after mine went live. Anyway, as I am in need of similar support I haven’t much to say to help - but I am sending a huge virtual hug and I know from personal experience just how hard this is to navigate and how hard it is to move forward in life when we feel and are rejected by those we love the most. The estrangement are probably coping mechanisms by our adult children to protect themselves from overwhelming emotions, but also we can only guess and try to empathise with what is going on for them. They may not know themselves and I know we need to keep the focus on healing our own grief, rather than speculating about the motivation of others. . I have tried various sources of ‘help’ but nothing seems a good fit where autism is involved. This is why I am hoping for insights here in this community, which I am hoping and praying will be a safe space. 

  • in reply to Kellyann82

    Thank you Kellyann82 for sharing your experience and for your encouragement. It brings comfort knowing I'm not alone in this.

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Thank you for your encouraging reply Cinnabar_wing, it really means a lot :-)

  • Hi coffeeandcake,

    My heart goes out to you. My daughter had to move in with her dad when I was struggling. I had multiple breakdowns afterwards and was sectioned many times as a result. I couldn't find a way forward without my daughter. If you ever want to talk please feel free to message me. 

    Things did get better though. Once I got the right medication. Now I make myself as useful as possible to be part of her life. And we are rebuilding bonds.

    I was also estranged from my mum. But we're in each other life again after a long time. 

    There is hope even if you cant see it at the moment. 

    Peace and Love

    Kelly

  • Hey, that sounds really tough. 

    It's sad when the diagnosis comes so late, the damage has been done and you've lost a relationship that is important to you. 

    Although I've not been in the same circumstances, to try and get unstuck, I find big goals tend to be really hard to achieve. So I'd start with something small, do a small thing I've been putting off so I get a small win and feel a bit better. If you keep doing little steps, it can help get you moving again, rebuilding. Even a little thing can be I incredibly hard, but then you can be incredibly proud of you manage.

    Maybe, a way to respect your daughter's boundary of no contact, but still feel you care is too write a diary or a letter that you don't post, so you can rebuild but still feel connected in some way, to process your own sorrow. Ideally a professional like counseling or therapy would be even better, but I know you've said you've tried that, so finding any way to deal with the feelings, acknowledge them and move forward with them would probably be a big help too. 

    It's hard, but you can do it, as building yourself back up is a great mark of respect for others, even if you can't show them.

    Good luck.