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Estrangement from adult child

coffeeandcake

I received my diagnosis two years ago age 54. Just before that, my adult daughter had cut contact with me. We'd always had a good relationship but when her dad left, I was suddenly in massively stressful circumstances including having to repatriate with them. The divorce lasted years and that, difficult living conditions and no support from family or friends, took a huge toll.

During those years I didn't know I was autistic (dual diagnosis autism and ADHD), had no idea about autism let alone about the need to regulate. My daughter (also ADHD but not autistic) became like a different person when she hit teenage years and I was in constant overwhelm. It was a recipe for disaster and there were many arguments. Looking back now, of course I can understand how we were both struggling.

My reason for the post is because I've been stuck in my life ever since. Feeling shame and grief at the same time - shame for what happened and shame that I have a daughter who is estranged from me. I can't seem to move on. I've had counselling and understand why it all happened logically, but the feelings of shame and grief persist. I'm in a fog all the time, have no motivation to do anything and am very depressed, which I'm on medication for. 

There's not a possibility of contact so that's not the advice I need, and even if there was, at this moment nothing is guaranteed. The help I badly need and the reason for posting is that I'm stuck in my life. Has anyone been through a similar experience and how did you live again? How did you move forward? 

Parents

  • Hey, that sounds really tough. 

    It's sad when the diagnosis comes so late, the damage has been done and you've lost a relationship that is important to you. 

    Although I've not been in the same circumstances, to try and get unstuck, I find big goals tend to be really hard to achieve. So I'd start with something small, do a small thing I've been putting off so I get a small win and feel a bit better. If you keep doing little steps, it can help get you moving again, rebuilding. Even a little thing can be I incredibly hard, but then you can be incredibly proud of you manage.

    Maybe, a way to respect your daughter's boundary of no contact, but still feel you care is too write a diary or a letter that you don't post, so you can rebuild but still feel connected in some way, to process your own sorrow. Ideally a professional like counseling or therapy would be even better, but I know you've said you've tried that, so finding any way to deal with the feelings, acknowledge them and move forward with them would probably be a big help too. 

    It's hard, but you can do it, as building yourself back up is a great mark of respect for others, even if you can't show them.

    Good luck.

Reply

  • Hey, that sounds really tough. 

    It's sad when the diagnosis comes so late, the damage has been done and you've lost a relationship that is important to you. 

    Although I've not been in the same circumstances, to try and get unstuck, I find big goals tend to be really hard to achieve. So I'd start with something small, do a small thing I've been putting off so I get a small win and feel a bit better. If you keep doing little steps, it can help get you moving again, rebuilding. Even a little thing can be I incredibly hard, but then you can be incredibly proud of you manage.

    Maybe, a way to respect your daughter's boundary of no contact, but still feel you care is too write a diary or a letter that you don't post, so you can rebuild but still feel connected in some way, to process your own sorrow. Ideally a professional like counseling or therapy would be even better, but I know you've said you've tried that, so finding any way to deal with the feelings, acknowledge them and move forward with them would probably be a big help too. 

    It's hard, but you can do it, as building yourself back up is a great mark of respect for others, even if you can't show them.

    Good luck.

Children