Is this bullying?

Your behaviour on the date and idea about ideally having future goals align sound very reasonable to me. It’s hard to judge if what your colleagues said was meant to be belittleing - it might have been genuine surprise because maybe they just have different ideas or it could have been unkind. Hard to tell. Do they know you are autistic? I would be questioning things and have felt uncomfortable too if people had said those things to me. 

I agree with this - I think it’s important to discuss early on , I’ve had friends who split up for this reason too and that was after many years in a relationship 

I find it weird that there are people who would kiss someone on a first date…. I wouldn’t want them to even hug me  

I have friends that kiss each other every time they meet up - similar to shaking hands and I just find it so strange 

Five jobs in two years…. That should be ringing very loud alarm bells. 

I wonder if you are in the wrong organisations working with the wrong people for you? 

It would seem that you need to be more guarded in what you say around these people. Unfortunately, neurotypical people tend to be far more immediately judgmental about anything they see as being outside of their own social mores, than are neurodivergent people.

I find physical contact with people I do not know very well distressing. The idea of sexual intimacy with someone I had just met is, frankly, appalling to me. You are not on your own in this, I suspect that the role of alcohol in casual sex is an indication that even many neurotypicals have natural inhibitions that have to be chemically overcome beforehand.

Hi Tigertiim  it is certainly mean and belittling behaviour you have experienced from your colleagues, and it would make me question how much to share with them in future. There's nothing wrong with your approach to dating and it makes logical sense to assess values fit and what you each want at an early stage. I hope you have good experiences meeting people and that you meet someone who is just right for you!

I cannot understand why they thought that future goals aligning is funny, either, so you're not alone. It's important for both partners to agree on certain things for a relationship to work, for example if one wants children and the other doesn't it can cause a huge rift, and I've known of a couple where this difference in goals sadly broke them up.

I'm wondering if there was actually a bit of jealousy from your colleagues, as it sounds to me like you had an enjoyable date and were feeling quite happy about it until they laughed at you?

I agree with Iain that it might be best not to discuss details of your dates with them in future. Do what feels right for you, and I wish you luck with finding a partner.

Tigertiim said:

They then called me a 12 year old….I’m almost 30…..

This seems like meangirl behaviour and bullying to me, or am I overthinking it? 

They are comparing your experience with what they were doing at 12 and think that your dating approach is laughable. They are criticising it based on social norms rather than bullying I think.

My advice is not to disclose what you do in future on dates - do what is right for you and don't feel obliged to share or respond to questions about it - a simple "it's private" response should tell them to back off if they get pushy.

Tigertiim said:

I’ve always struggled fitting in and thought I could be myself with these people

You may have dodged a bullet with this experience. Socialise but don't share much with them. Take an interest in their lives but don't talk much about yours even when pushed - just tell them you don't feel comfortable sharing because of past experiences of criticism and you hope they will respect your privacy.

If they then push to ask about it then point out they are not respecting your privacy.

Chances are that for one reason or another you will be not invited a lot in future unless they want someone to laugh at, so it probably is no loss to you. Keep the work related things professional and you should be fine.

All in my opinion of course.

I am sorry you have had this experience. That sounds a good way to get to know someone. I always wanted to get to know someone before making a commitment.

Hi and welcome to the community! 

There's nothing wrong, of course, with not being intimate on a first date - and nothing wrong with having discussed your future goals.

I think it's impossible to know their intentions without asking one of them - perhaps that's something you could consider, if you feel that you can trust anyone enough to ask them? One strategy for helping in situations like this is having a "social ally" - someone who can provide support during and/or after social situations, including reviewing them. 

It is possible that their reaction was meant as affectionate and light teasing, rather than as personal criticism or bullying. But, even if that's true, it doesn't mean that your reaction was wrong; it can still feel hurtful regardless of intent.

Group teasing about something so personal can feel especially upsetting, particularly if - as part of your autistic traits - you tend to interpret what people say more literally, or to experience jokes about you as an expression of criticism rather than affection.

If they understood your needs better, they might be able to avoid making personal jokes like that in the future. But it could also be sensible to be a bit more cautious for now, if that feels safer - although keep in mind that masking can lead to mental health and self-esteem issues:

NAS - Masking

There are some tips in these articles on communication that might be of some help:

NAS - Autism and communication

You haven't mentioned whether you've disclosed your autism to your manager and/or colleagues. Either way, there are some resources here that you might also find helpful, whether now or just in general, over time:

NAS - Employment