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Is this bullying?

Tigertiim

Speaking to work colleagues outside of work, I revealed that I went out on a date, the usual questions were asked. What’s their name, what do they do jobwise etc.

When I mentioned the fact that future goals aligning with mine are important, everyone laughed at me…it made me feel humiliated and I didn’t understand why they found it so funny.

It was the first time I met this person so I didn’t kiss them or have sex with them and we didn’t touch at all. They all thought this was weird! I don’t understand why, we went to a cafe, we chatted and went for a look around a museum and went for a nice walk after.

They then called me a 12 year old….I’m almost 30…..

This seems like meangirl behaviour and bullying to me, or am I overthinking it? 

It has affected me if I’m honest as I had a mini meltdown this morning and didn’t want to get out of bed due to feeling depressed.

This is my 5th workplace in 2 years and the only one that chose to keep me on, I’ve always struggled fitting in and thought I could be myself with these people and they even invited me into their home to spend Christmas with them, but after this I’ll probably go back to masking myself again as I don’t feel like I can trust them anymore.

Parents

  • Hi and welcome to the community! Wave

    There's nothing wrong, of course, with not being intimate on a first date - and nothing wrong with having discussed your future goals.

    I think it's impossible to know their intentions without asking one of them - perhaps that's something you could consider, if you feel that you can trust anyone enough to ask them? One strategy for helping in situations like this is having a "social ally" - someone who can provide support during and/or after social situations, including reviewing them. 

    It is possible that their reaction was meant as affectionate and light teasing, rather than as personal criticism or bullying. But, even if that's true, it doesn't mean that your reaction was wrong; it can still feel hurtful regardless of intent.

    Group teasing about something so personal can feel especially upsetting, particularly if - as part of your autistic traits - you tend to interpret what people say more literally, or to experience jokes about you as an expression of criticism rather than affection.

    If they understood your needs better, they might be able to avoid making personal jokes like that in the future. But it could also be sensible to be a bit more cautious for now, if that feels safer - although keep in mind that masking can lead to mental health and self-esteem issues:

    NAS - Masking

    There are some tips in these articles on communication that might be of some help:

    NAS - Autism and communication

    You haven't mentioned whether you've disclosed your autism to your manager and/or colleagues. Either way, there are some resources here that you might also find helpful, whether now or just in general, over time:

    NAS - Employment

Reply

  • Hi and welcome to the community! Wave

    There's nothing wrong, of course, with not being intimate on a first date - and nothing wrong with having discussed your future goals.

    I think it's impossible to know their intentions without asking one of them - perhaps that's something you could consider, if you feel that you can trust anyone enough to ask them? One strategy for helping in situations like this is having a "social ally" - someone who can provide support during and/or after social situations, including reviewing them. 

    It is possible that their reaction was meant as affectionate and light teasing, rather than as personal criticism or bullying. But, even if that's true, it doesn't mean that your reaction was wrong; it can still feel hurtful regardless of intent.

    Group teasing about something so personal can feel especially upsetting, particularly if - as part of your autistic traits - you tend to interpret what people say more literally, or to experience jokes about you as an expression of criticism rather than affection.

    If they understood your needs better, they might be able to avoid making personal jokes like that in the future. But it could also be sensible to be a bit more cautious for now, if that feels safer - although keep in mind that masking can lead to mental health and self-esteem issues:

    NAS - Masking

    There are some tips in these articles on communication that might be of some help:

    NAS - Autism and communication

    You haven't mentioned whether you've disclosed your autism to your manager and/or colleagues. Either way, there are some resources here that you might also find helpful, whether now or just in general, over time:

    NAS - Employment

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