Walls with glitter

Stuart. It makes sense. I've just started a general diary to identify observations - that's a great help. I need to be more patient. You're right with the big things, that comes again for me with impatience. Little things don't sound small and weak they sound like building blocks. If you have a massive block you cant move it and you are unlikely to be able to build anything. Smaller blocks you can and eventually there's a bloody wall (minus the itchy glitter). I thought I didn't have anything that made me smile..... however, my cat just fell off her cardboard scratch mat that is only 2 inches off the ground. The way she fell it was like she's fallen from a first floor window. Have a good weekend. 

DormouseAtRest_25 that made me smile. Thanks.

At the moment; I am aiming more for: "Decorative Breeze Block" wall (the type where you can peek through parts of the concrete design to the potential World beyond ...when feeling confident it is a bold day).

Peeking through the breeze block design, on a good day,  gives hope the wall might not actually be too tricky to demolish, one day, once I have upped my Autism-enabled game.

On a tough day, you can still just walk on by.  You are not ignoring it all, you now know what is there (but may be, on some level, still a bit reassured that some measure of a wall remains - until you are ready.

(I really cannot cope with glitter - just too "itchy stuff" for me).

Indeed, getting a label doesn't change things.

What it does though is gives you permission to accept you feel different and it is ok to make some changes. You need to change sone things hough, which is hard and there is no one size fits all solution. Even if it only how you think about things. The small changes add up.

It is very tempting, and a common cognitive distortion, to.look for some big thing or things that will fix it all. It you don't see one, you do nothing, what's the point 

I know it sounds small and weak, but little things work. I fought against it for months (but actually decades). I always look for big things, but it is a mistake.

Observe yourself carefully. Make informed small changes and see if they work. Write them down so you can focus on positives for encouragement,  because focussing on negatives is another cognitive problem.

The point is to give yourself the best chance to do what you want. It is slow, but faster than you think, if that makes sense.

A year seems forever but goes quite fast.

I have some time perception issues which also makes it harder, but that is a different thing. The point is just to start.

And find one little thing you like that makes you smile. 

Its tiring hearing you describe it let alone when you go through it. Thanks for the reply on this.

Cheers Chloe. I will take a look

Hello Mads 

Thank you for sharing these words with the Community. It's completely understandable that you may feel overwhelmed after a diagnosis. You may find it useful to have a look at our information on managing after an Autism diagnosis, which includes available support: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/diagnosis/after-diagnosis

I hope this helps.

Chloe Mod

..... too much cordial but that's it. 

Been there! I went through a set of interviews where I didn't give enough eye contact, gave too much eye contact, said too much, didn't say enough, gave a 40 minute answer to 'tell me about yourself' and also didn't explain sufficiently why I was the ideal candidate. Interviews are such performative nonsense and the feedback afterwards can turn you inside out. Best to show up as you because otherwise you have be 'masked other you' every day and over time that takes your soul.

Are you smokiing these chippings?

Thanks ArchaeC something that is really helping is having a constant positive distraction. I used to have a Tamagotchi 20+yrs ago. I bought another one recently and its become a game within a game to get them to the best age possible, silly but it works. 

Mads said:

Any tips for chipping away, obliterating or boring a few holes after a diagnosis?

Whatever you’re chipping at, build in plenty of recovery time that is rejuvenating for you, be that sleep, painting, your particular interest, mindful reading or walking … Better to avoid too much TV.

I don’t think everything can be obliterated. Often there are ways round things that can get you where you want to be.

Thank you Cinnabar_wing appreciate it. 

I know what you mean, I tend to go into interview mode at the start, but when people ask me personal questions in interviews I have to be honest and that can maybe not be the best to get the job, but I can't help it. At least when I'm doing it over zoom for remote jobs, things like eye contact isn't a problem! 

Maybe a mix in interviews is a good idea anyway, I think everyone has an interview poker face, but keeping that up costs a lot of energy, so letting some authenticity through I think is good too. 

Good luck and keep trying, hopefully you'll find the right role for you with the right balance! 

Thanks for your thoughts. I feel better just knowing I'm not wading through mud alone. Lets see what happens?! E.g. I had an interview the other day, I was if anything over prepared but during the 2 hrs I went in and out of masking and it completely threw me off the questions. I was frustrated but at least I didn't turn up as my fully masked self. 

It's a hard one, one I am still working out. I read some books, but they opened up more questions -like unmasking, when I've tended to want to hide it more than be more open about it. More like hanging pictures on the glittery walls rather than seeing what's on the other side. 

Thanks Mr T. Will do. The next set of books are on order. Have a good day. 

Keeping going and batter through the walls. Do reading to enable you to understand yourself better. Take time to rest as Rome wasn't built in a day.

Most of all be kind to yourself