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Lists

ConfusedB

My partner has written me a list to go through of things he wants from the online shop (which I do). He goes to the shop for his own lunches (because we eat differently and will pick up extras if we’ve run out but I have to make a point of catching him rather than him asking me). I have an online list stored in the supermarket app. I’ve told him I don’t like the list (although at the time I wasn’t sure why.) This was a couple of months ago but he still pinned it inside the cupboard door. Today, I sat down next to him while he was having his lunch break and said I’ve got an online shop coming tomorrow is there anything you want me to add? I thought I was being nice. I could (wish) I’d just done the order. He directed me to the list. All hell has broken loose from him because I looked at him blankly because I didn’t know what to say. I tried to explain that the list is insulting (can’t remember my words but I wasn’t rude). (Background: his dad had a stroke last week & is stable but in hosp).  I get that my timing to refuse going through his list and the cupboards for him was not great but as usual, he’s brought up a selection of things to back up why I don’t care about him and what he does that I don’t.  I am autistic. He is, I’m sure, undiagnosed autistic. He finished with an ultimatum of, I should take a good look at myself next week and decide what I want to do (ie in our relationship) and that he’s never felt so useless and unwanted.

We had already agreed without issues that I’d go on planned holiday while he visits his mum & family again and works out how his dad is managed when hospital discharge him. 

The situation is delicate. The argument is a repeated pattern. I feel I can see two sides. He just thinks an argument is about working out who’s to blame. I suspect he’ll be in shutdown mode for the next couple of days. I am sick of the loop and constructive thoughts are welcome.

  • in reply to Lotus

    If it was just a list of things he wants to add to the next shop, that would be fine. He wrote a list of things he wants me to check for him as to whether they need buying. I do the shop for both of us. When I miss out something that he wanted, he gets upset and questions where they are. So he decided that writing me a list of his things to check for him would work brilliantly. I told him when he did this list that I didn’t like it and instead, he could access the list on the supermarket app and add them himself. He didn’t adopt my suggestion and I didn’t adopt his so this has flared up, admittedly at a very bad time.

  • Hi and welcome.

    I'm sorry, but I'm confused as to why you have a problem with your partner writing a list of things that need to be added to your online shop? I do an online grocery shop every week and my partner writes down stuff as we run out of it on a list, which I appreciate as it saves me checking everything in the cupboards.

    I do understand why you're upset though, as being told that you don't care about him must hurt. 

    I think that this is a communication problem, exacerbated by the stress caused by his father's illness. I suggest that you plan a suitable time to sit down together and discuss how you can work through this - be prepared to compromise, but make it clear that it's not about apportioning blame, but about how you can understand each other better and enjoy being together more.

    I wish you both well and hope you work things out.

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    I feel like I’m the counsellor trying to resolve things so both of us are happy. We’ve been together for 30 years and had counselling along the way. We also went separately to psychologists. He stopped his and said he thought the counsellor was telling him it was him :D that was over a decade ago. More recently, I’ve tried to use ChatGPT as a tool helping us reflect on both sides. He did use it under duress once and it actually helped. The next time he wanted me to let him know what ChatGPT had said for me. I refused because he wouldn’t do it too. I wonder if PDA is part of his makeup. We have so many things in common so I’m reluctant to throw away the 80 percent good stuff but over the last few years I have acknowledged and am content with going our separate ways if we have to.

  • in reply to Geeky Gothic Guy

    I wish he’d explain our arguments to other people because I feel like they might help him see that. 

  • I get that he's stressed, who wouldn't be in the circumstances, but his response was totally unreasonable. If he won't change then make an ultimatum, you either have couples counselling or you seperate. 

    Sorry I know thats harsh, but that's how I see it.

  • Sounds like the issues lay with him, not with you. By the sounds of it, he’s the one who needs to look in the mirror.