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Lists

ConfusedB

My partner has written me a list to go through of things he wants from the online shop (which I do). He goes to the shop for his own lunches (because we eat differently and will pick up extras if we’ve run out but I have to make a point of catching him rather than him asking me). I have an online list stored in the supermarket app. I’ve told him I don’t like the list (although at the time I wasn’t sure why.) This was a couple of months ago but he still pinned it inside the cupboard door. Today, I sat down next to him while he was having his lunch break and said I’ve got an online shop coming tomorrow is there anything you want me to add? I thought I was being nice. I could (wish) I’d just done the order. He directed me to the list. All hell has broken loose from him because I looked at him blankly because I didn’t know what to say. I tried to explain that the list is insulting (can’t remember my words but I wasn’t rude). (Background: his dad had a stroke last week & is stable but in hosp).  I get that my timing to refuse going through his list and the cupboards for him was not great but as usual, he’s brought up a selection of things to back up why I don’t care about him and what he does that I don’t.  I am autistic. He is, I’m sure, undiagnosed autistic. He finished with an ultimatum of, I should take a good look at myself next week and decide what I want to do (ie in our relationship) and that he’s never felt so useless and unwanted.

We had already agreed without issues that I’d go on planned holiday while he visits his mum & family again and works out how his dad is managed when hospital discharge him. 

The situation is delicate. The argument is a repeated pattern. I feel I can see two sides. He just thinks an argument is about working out who’s to blame. I suspect he’ll be in shutdown mode for the next couple of days. I am sick of the loop and constructive thoughts are welcome.

Parents

  • Hi and welcome.

    I'm sorry, but I'm confused as to why you have a problem with your partner writing a list of things that need to be added to your online shop? I do an online grocery shop every week and my partner writes down stuff as we run out of it on a list, which I appreciate as it saves me checking everything in the cupboards.

    I do understand why you're upset though, as being told that you don't care about him must hurt. 

    I think that this is a communication problem, exacerbated by the stress caused by his father's illness. I suggest that you plan a suitable time to sit down together and discuss how you can work through this - be prepared to compromise, but make it clear that it's not about apportioning blame, but about how you can understand each other better and enjoy being together more.

    I wish you both well and hope you work things out.

  • in reply to Lotus

    If it was just a list of things he wants to add to the next shop, that would be fine. He wrote a list of things he wants me to check for him as to whether they need buying. I do the shop for both of us. When I miss out something that he wanted, he gets upset and questions where they are. So he decided that writing me a list of his things to check for him would work brilliantly. I told him when he did this list that I didn’t like it and instead, he could access the list on the supermarket app and add them himself. He didn’t adopt my suggestion and I didn’t adopt his so this has flared up, admittedly at a very bad time.

  • in reply to ConfusedB

    Oh, I see. Perhaps you could explain that him writing a list is useful, however you need a list each week of what he actually needs you to add to the shop, rather than you having to check things, as this would help you a lot with getting the order right.

    In your original post, you said that he told you:

    ConfusedB said:
    what he does that I don’t.

    And:

    ConfusedB said:
    he’s never felt so useless and unwanted.

    Are these statements relating to an imbalance in things you each do around the home, or ways you express how you care about each other? Maybe you need to discuss what you each expect from the other and see where you can compromise? 

  • in reply to Lotus

    Yeah, you having to check his things is more like a mum thing to do. You are his partner so he needs to say/write down what he wants added.  A gentle reminder of the difference between care-giver and partner might help. Remind him you do care, you are doing the shopping for both of you, but he must have input to be an equal part of the relationship. 

    I think Lotus is right that if it's going to work, you need to sit down and work out clear boundaries -like you are doing the shopping but you can't be a mind-reader. We all have things in relationships that we don't like doing or are fine with (or at least put up with as the other person dislikes it more). You share the chores out between you. If one is sick, you might do more, but overall it's should feel balanced and fair. 

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  • in reply to Lotus

    Yeah, you having to check his things is more like a mum thing to do. You are his partner so he needs to say/write down what he wants added.  A gentle reminder of the difference between care-giver and partner might help. Remind him you do care, you are doing the shopping for both of you, but he must have input to be an equal part of the relationship. 

    I think Lotus is right that if it's going to work, you need to sit down and work out clear boundaries -like you are doing the shopping but you can't be a mind-reader. We all have things in relationships that we don't like doing or are fine with (or at least put up with as the other person dislikes it more). You share the chores out between you. If one is sick, you might do more, but overall it's should feel balanced and fair. 

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