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family not helping, getting really lonely and frustrated

vermire

im really lonely recently because no ones really helping me with anything. i do have friends but a lot of the time i feel like i cant talk to them because they have their own issues and whenever i talk to people recently they just dont seem to care

i have trouble filling forms out and understanding forms and official letters and stuff and im 19 so i have to fill that kind of thing in sometimes, but my mum just doesnt help. she keeps saying stuff like im grown up now so i should be able to do it and i wont know if i can do it until i try, but i have tried and i cant, but she wont listen. i dont understand half the questions or how to answer them and i dont understand most of the stuff i need to do to get things like passports and buspasses and id and my bank account and support groups/therapy/help with speech and my optician appointments sorted out so i can live like an adult instead of feeling like a pathetic child. 

she keeps saying shell get my cat back but its been months and shes not done anything and when i was lonely before he was the only one who helped me and he helped me alot 

because i cant talk i cant really go to the doctors or other places on my own to get things sorted out i have to have my mum with me but she hardly ever makes the time and puts stuff off for ages or doesnt bring it up for weeks.

when i try to explain all this to her she just tells me im wrong for feeling so upset and she goes and tells my brothers exactly whats going on and they laugh at me in the other room and it just makes me feel so much worse. (and they use the wrong name and pronouns, i have gender issues but thats not really related to this. its just another thing my family does that makes me feel pathetic and weird.)

i need help and support from somewhere and nowhere offers help for autistic adults around where i live (manchester) and im getting really lonely. i cant talk to my friends about it and my family dont listen and ive not been able to sleep at all recently because ive been too sad.  (sad to the point ive been thinking some pretty bad things. im not going to act on them but at some points its seemed like a good idae.)

if you have advice that would be good (other than trying to talk to her again or trying again to fill in the forms on my own, none of those work.)

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    vermire said:

    thank you all for the advice and help!!! c: i wasnt expecting as much response to my post so thank you!

    You are welcome, perhaps this community can help you feel less lonely. If you stick around you will get to know some people in your age group and others who can share their experiences and make you feel less isolated.

    i dont think im taking things too literally here, but i have read about it (and if i was, i think shed still be in the wrong. ive been telling her over and over that these things are upsetting me and even if shes joking its not ok for her to keep doing it)

    one of the things that I think outraged was suggesting was to not let your mother upset you so much. This is a thing that you have more control over than you might think. If you try and let go a bit and try to make more of your own choices then you might feel less angry about what she thinks or says. Most of the time she really won't be trying to upset you as she will be worrying about her own problems and thinking about it from her (possibly?) slightly self centred point of view. Being grown up enough to start making your own choices about things can be very exciting even if sometimes things go wrong. (It's OK to make mistakes, everyone does this every day!)

    Smile

  • thank you all for the advice and help!!! c: i wasnt expecting as much response to my post so thank you!

    ill definitely be trying as much of the advice as i can (maybe not phoning people, because i cant talk) but a lot of it does sound like good ideas.

    ive got a bunch of contact details for different people that can help me (thank you so much, anil a, i think theyll help alot! c: c: ) and hopefully theyll make some things better because i dont think i can move out just yet 

    i did send her (another) long email telling her exactly where i thought she was going wrong last night though. she didnt really respond much yet but hopefully shell try to take things into consideration but if she doesnt ill probably just have to give up trying to get her to understand

    why i dont have my cat anymore is pretty long and complicated but i can get him back. (well, i could, if people helped me get him back.) hes old though so peoples main concern about that is that moving house will stress him out too much :c i do really miss him though, its not just that i want a pet, its that i want him back because he was my friend for so long and now i dont have him.

    i dont think im taking things too literally here, but i have read about it (and if i was, i think shed still be in the wrong. ive been telling her over and over that these things are upsetting me and even if shes joking its not ok for her to keep doing it) 

    luckily my brother is away for a while so while i have a break away from him i can be less stressed and try to sort some stuff out 

    thank you again for advice and help it means alot c: c:

  • NAS18906 said:

    I think what outraged meant is that your mother not sympathetic. Perhaps she is too set in her ways to change her attitude? Perhaps you should accept this, as an unfortunate fact of life, rather than fight it. Perhaps it is time to try and move on And become more independent?

    To clarify my intended meaning:

    My point was entirely behavoural; I'm not interesting myself in the mothers motives. If the mother is not providing support then it does not make sense to seek support from her and exposes you to emotional harm to continue to do so.

  • Hi

    If you can - try get in touch with an advocacy group (see below) - I know they can attend meetings, fill out forms etc - even just chat to you to help you get through this tough time. Things with outside help will improve and by posting on here - you have our support too - good luck

    From their website - but says will be launched in next 6 months but note sure when that was posted!!!

    If you would like to discuss Rethink's services further, please contact their Manchester office on 0161-245 3268 and speak to one of their advocacy officers.

    Rethink Manchester Mental Health, Advocacy Service, EMF House, 12 Charlotte Street, Manchester, M1 4FL

  • Hi vermire -  I have some suggestions from our helpline that I will be emailing you with. 

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    outraged said:

    About the mother; if shes not going to support you, you need to edit the expectation of support from that quarter from your worldview in order not to feel let down.

    outraged, i'm afraid i had to read that a couple of times before i understood what you were on about. Your writing style is sometimes of the standard of government communications! 

    I think what outraged meant is that your mother not sympathetic. Perhaps she is too set in her ways to change her attitude? Perhaps you should accept this, as an unfortunate fact of life, rather than fight it. Perhaps it is time to try and move on And become more independent?

    I think i read your post in the same way that outraged did and i think i agree with what he says if we have understood you correctly. Your situation sounds really bad and it sounds as though you need someone to help you who really understands what you are going through.

    another way of looking at things is that you are perhaps taking things too literally? Perhaps your mother is trying to help by telling you not to worry about things and perhaps your brothers are not being deliberately cruel but perhaps they are trying to be light hearted? It really is difficult to work these things out sometimes. It is sometimes difficult to work things out from what people write in their posts.

    taking things too literally is a common problem for us and this is one of the signs that is used to identify whether we have an autism condition. Have you read about this part of the problem?

  • About the forms; government issue forms come with covering letters with contact information. Contact the forms originating office, explain your diagnosis and ask for support with the form.

    About the mother; if shes not going to support you, you need to edit the expectation of support from that quarter from your worldview in order not to feel let down.

    And about the familial mockery: this needs to stop. Do what it takes to make this clear. If you end up having to live elsewhere, so be it; they cant be allowed to abuse you in this way. If you'd just rather move out: http://www.manchester.gov.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=550

    Or phone: 0161 636 7525 if female or 0808 801 0327 if male and explain that you are unable to live in your current accomodations as your family abuses your disability and they will be able to help you with safe housing. I'm also flagging your post for the attention of NAS.

    About the cat, animal affection can be a useful tool for persons w ASV's and clearly the cat was important to you. However you dont say why you don't currently have the cat and might need to consider the possibility that the cat is beyond recovery. Be aware that other cats are availiable.