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Explaining to a loved one

McFrost

I am experiencing pretty major communication problems with my wife. It's like we are speaking different languages sometimes but I feel that any issues are always put on me, because I am the one who is different to the majority. As far as I see it, it's 50/50 in this relationship so we both have to do some accommodating!

I am AuDHD, diagnosed ASD, but not yet the ADHD part. I have been seeing a therapist since March and I feel like I am doing a lot of work to just generally have a happier life. From conversations with my wife I feel like she thinks that the therapy is to fix me in some way. She asked if my therapist had "given me strategies to cope in the neurotypical world" as if that should be my goal. I see it as far more about self acceptance and learning about myself. She asks me some questions that indicate a lack of understanding of what autism is, despite my best attempts to explain and getting her to read about it. I feel like I can't do all this work on my own.

I also feel like I can't be completely honest about what I feel uncomfortable with as it's viewed as me putting restrictions on her life. For example, if I say that I don't like large social gatherings and despise having to make small talk with people, she seems to hear "we can never go to any large social gatherings again", which is not what I am saying at all. I am trying to get across what It is like for me and how much effort it takes for me to do these things. This is quite typical, her reading things into what I am saying that aren't there. For example, if I am cross about the mess in the kitchen, she assumes there is something else going on that is making me angry and I am taking it out on her. No, I am just genuinely bothered by the thing that I say is bothering me!

It doesn't help that I am currently feeling pretty low about everything and struggling to cope with any additional demands on my time outside of work and home life, which, to be honest both keep me pretty busy. I just feel like there is an impatience for me to get myself sorted out and start being more normal. I am burnt out after 40+ years of masking and not knowing - how can I communicate that I am never going to be "normal"?! 

Having written all of this out, I guess the answer is that I need to communicate what I have said here, in a kind way. I will think about how I can do that but any tips from people who have navigated a similar situation would be appreciated.

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing
    Cinnabar_wing said:
    Practically, could you write some sort of guide for your particular difficulties, and what positive steps she can do to help?

    This is very very helpful to read for me, to imagine my list or guide. I did a list with my mother - she wrote it even down - it is about what to make me do when I am near shutdown! She managed it through phone. It helps. Also I told a list to my brother: please give me guidance about IT and banking stuff when I ask for it! I wish so much to have a boyfriend and this post help me so much that maybe one day I can be in a relationship!Butterfly

  • So many people think therapy is about fixing people and making them "right" again, it's not just your wife that has this misunderstanding, I've had similar conversations with parents of young people.

    I guess one way to deal with what your wife hears as opposed to what you say, is to challenge in a similar way to how your therapist would challenge you. So when you say you can't be doing with large social gathering and small talk and she hears it as, we can never socialise with large groups again, as her what she heard you say? Gently remind her that it's not exactly what you said and tell her again what you actually mean, give her some examples, like yes you will go to a wedding, but not a work do or something.

    I wonder if some couples therapy wouldn't be a good idea too as she seems to have not only unrealistic expectations of what therapy is for, what it does and how it works, but that she has her own issues. I'm guessing you've been together a while, she needs to realise you're the same person she married and your feelings haven't changed, life has changed, you're both older etc.

    She may reject the idea of going to couples counselling feeling that you think she needs fixing, but it does seem that she needs some help understanding that you can't help being ND anymore than you can help your eye colour or the length of your legs. THere must be some books etc out there for people in your situation, could you read them together?

  • The only way forward is communication, as you noted. If you get really stuck then there is joint counselling, but if you can both be open and honest you don't need that.

    You need to work out what each of you can compromise on.

    Maybe some activities are best not done together. If she really has to go clubbing, maybe she has to do that with friends (as an example).

    Make sure you still have activities you can do together though. It may require rearranging your life a bit.

    The issue from her perspective will be, but you managed fine for the last x years. You perhaps want to say how much it uses up, so it compromises other things or makes you more grumpy, closed etc. You could be more present or more supportive if something was changed. If it isn't compromising other things then maybe you just need to put up with it. 

    It may be worth not making any strict changes, but have trial periods and then discuss how it went.

    For communication it may be best for each of you to repeat back what you understand the other person said. That will highlight differences.

    If things get heated then park it for an hour or till the next day. Don't try to pursue to a conclusion if you start getting dysregulated. Your black and white thinking will kick in, options will narrow, you'll go defensive and say the wrong thing. Agree a timeout signal.

    It is easy for me to say all this, but when in a similar position a long time ago I couldn't do it. Knowing what to do and doing it are two different things. But things were a bit more complicated for me.

    Good luck.

  • McFrost said:
    she thinks that the therapy is to fix me in some way. She asked if my therapist had "given me strategies to cope in the neurotypical world"

    It's pretty similar to what my husband thinks the therapy is about. It's hard, I just learned in tge last 10 years to communicate my needs and I'm still not so good at this.

    You are right, it's always 50/50 in a relationship.  Maybe some counselling would help you both if not tried yet? 

  • It's all made me think that there should be some therapy/counselling for spouses of late diagnosed autistics as well as for ourselves. To help them understand that what you need is to be able to mask it less, not that you need to mask it and cover it up again. Like there is books for parents to understand autism, it would be helpful to have something for partners on what it means, how they can communicate effectively and live a life where you meet in the middle and work it out. 

    As adults, we are expected to communicate all this to people in our lives, which is hard and I can be met with resistance. There is some material out there on how to do this, but it's like something that should come with the diagnosis. 'You are autistic, here are some leaflets for you and some you can give to people in your life to explain'. 

    I think there is a section on NAS for families and friends, though it kind of sounds like she's half read it but doesn't fully understand that it shouldn't just be up to you to fit in with the world, but something you can do together. 

    Practically, could you write some sort of guide for your particular difficulties, and what positive steps she can do to help? So for example, the large gatherings, if she wants you to go with her to one, make sure for example, it's not too often, you might need the day to rest up to it and then how ever long to recover. Anything you need there, like it being only for so long, or helping cover you in conversation so you don't need to talk much or can escape somewhere quiet. 

    That way when you need to bring something up, you have solutions too, which might take the sting out of it. 

    I think it can get better. I think me and my husband made progress today. There was something simple I wanted to discuss about getting, but the conversation started going wrong and I started getting overwhelmed. So I said it was getting too much and stopped talking and he stopped too.  And I managed not to go into shutdown.

    Then later on we were able to go back and continue on when I was more regulated and calm again. (It was all over something as small as new water bottle caps for the kids, and me thinking he didn't like any of my ideas, but maybe as it was so small it made good practice).

    I hope your can find ways to make life work for you too.