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Explaining to a loved one

McFrost

I am experiencing pretty major communication problems with my wife. It's like we are speaking different languages sometimes but I feel that any issues are always put on me, because I am the one who is different to the majority. As far as I see it, it's 50/50 in this relationship so we both have to do some accommodating!

I am AuDHD, diagnosed ASD, but not yet the ADHD part. I have been seeing a therapist since March and I feel like I am doing a lot of work to just generally have a happier life. From conversations with my wife I feel like she thinks that the therapy is to fix me in some way. She asked if my therapist had "given me strategies to cope in the neurotypical world" as if that should be my goal. I see it as far more about self acceptance and learning about myself. She asks me some questions that indicate a lack of understanding of what autism is, despite my best attempts to explain and getting her to read about it. I feel like I can't do all this work on my own.

I also feel like I can't be completely honest about what I feel uncomfortable with as it's viewed as me putting restrictions on her life. For example, if I say that I don't like large social gatherings and despise having to make small talk with people, she seems to hear "we can never go to any large social gatherings again", which is not what I am saying at all. I am trying to get across what It is like for me and how much effort it takes for me to do these things. This is quite typical, her reading things into what I am saying that aren't there. For example, if I am cross about the mess in the kitchen, she assumes there is something else going on that is making me angry and I am taking it out on her. No, I am just genuinely bothered by the thing that I say is bothering me!

It doesn't help that I am currently feeling pretty low about everything and struggling to cope with any additional demands on my time outside of work and home life, which, to be honest both keep me pretty busy. I just feel like there is an impatience for me to get myself sorted out and start being more normal. I am burnt out after 40+ years of masking and not knowing - how can I communicate that I am never going to be "normal"?! 

Having written all of this out, I guess the answer is that I need to communicate what I have said here, in a kind way. I will think about how I can do that but any tips from people who have navigated a similar situation would be appreciated.

Parents

  • The only way forward is communication, as you noted. If you get really stuck then there is joint counselling, but if you can both be open and honest you don't need that.

    You need to work out what each of you can compromise on.

    Maybe some activities are best not done together. If she really has to go clubbing, maybe she has to do that with friends (as an example).

    Make sure you still have activities you can do together though. It may require rearranging your life a bit.

    The issue from her perspective will be, but you managed fine for the last x years. You perhaps want to say how much it uses up, so it compromises other things or makes you more grumpy, closed etc. You could be more present or more supportive if something was changed. If it isn't compromising other things then maybe you just need to put up with it. 

    It may be worth not making any strict changes, but have trial periods and then discuss how it went.

    For communication it may be best for each of you to repeat back what you understand the other person said. That will highlight differences.

    If things get heated then park it for an hour or till the next day. Don't try to pursue to a conclusion if you start getting dysregulated. Your black and white thinking will kick in, options will narrow, you'll go defensive and say the wrong thing. Agree a timeout signal.

    It is easy for me to say all this, but when in a similar position a long time ago I couldn't do it. Knowing what to do and doing it are two different things. But things were a bit more complicated for me.

    Good luck.

Reply

  • The only way forward is communication, as you noted. If you get really stuck then there is joint counselling, but if you can both be open and honest you don't need that.

    You need to work out what each of you can compromise on.

    Maybe some activities are best not done together. If she really has to go clubbing, maybe she has to do that with friends (as an example).

    Make sure you still have activities you can do together though. It may require rearranging your life a bit.

    The issue from her perspective will be, but you managed fine for the last x years. You perhaps want to say how much it uses up, so it compromises other things or makes you more grumpy, closed etc. You could be more present or more supportive if something was changed. If it isn't compromising other things then maybe you just need to put up with it. 

    It may be worth not making any strict changes, but have trial periods and then discuss how it went.

    For communication it may be best for each of you to repeat back what you understand the other person said. That will highlight differences.

    If things get heated then park it for an hour or till the next day. Don't try to pursue to a conclusion if you start getting dysregulated. Your black and white thinking will kick in, options will narrow, you'll go defensive and say the wrong thing. Agree a timeout signal.

    It is easy for me to say all this, but when in a similar position a long time ago I couldn't do it. Knowing what to do and doing it are two different things. But things were a bit more complicated for me.

    Good luck.

Children
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