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Explaining to a loved one

McFrost

I am experiencing pretty major communication problems with my wife. It's like we are speaking different languages sometimes but I feel that any issues are always put on me, because I am the one who is different to the majority. As far as I see it, it's 50/50 in this relationship so we both have to do some accommodating!

I am AuDHD, diagnosed ASD, but not yet the ADHD part. I have been seeing a therapist since March and I feel like I am doing a lot of work to just generally have a happier life. From conversations with my wife I feel like she thinks that the therapy is to fix me in some way. She asked if my therapist had "given me strategies to cope in the neurotypical world" as if that should be my goal. I see it as far more about self acceptance and learning about myself. She asks me some questions that indicate a lack of understanding of what autism is, despite my best attempts to explain and getting her to read about it. I feel like I can't do all this work on my own.

I also feel like I can't be completely honest about what I feel uncomfortable with as it's viewed as me putting restrictions on her life. For example, if I say that I don't like large social gatherings and despise having to make small talk with people, she seems to hear "we can never go to any large social gatherings again", which is not what I am saying at all. I am trying to get across what It is like for me and how much effort it takes for me to do these things. This is quite typical, her reading things into what I am saying that aren't there. For example, if I am cross about the mess in the kitchen, she assumes there is something else going on that is making me angry and I am taking it out on her. No, I am just genuinely bothered by the thing that I say is bothering me!

It doesn't help that I am currently feeling pretty low about everything and struggling to cope with any additional demands on my time outside of work and home life, which, to be honest both keep me pretty busy. I just feel like there is an impatience for me to get myself sorted out and start being more normal. I am burnt out after 40+ years of masking and not knowing - how can I communicate that I am never going to be "normal"?! 

Having written all of this out, I guess the answer is that I need to communicate what I have said here, in a kind way. I will think about how I can do that but any tips from people who have navigated a similar situation would be appreciated.

Parents

  • So many people think therapy is about fixing people and making them "right" again, it's not just your wife that has this misunderstanding, I've had similar conversations with parents of young people.

    I guess one way to deal with what your wife hears as opposed to what you say, is to challenge in a similar way to how your therapist would challenge you. So when you say you can't be doing with large social gathering and small talk and she hears it as, we can never socialise with large groups again, as her what she heard you say? Gently remind her that it's not exactly what you said and tell her again what you actually mean, give her some examples, like yes you will go to a wedding, but not a work do or something.

    I wonder if some couples therapy wouldn't be a good idea too as she seems to have not only unrealistic expectations of what therapy is for, what it does and how it works, but that she has her own issues. I'm guessing you've been together a while, she needs to realise you're the same person she married and your feelings haven't changed, life has changed, you're both older etc.

    She may reject the idea of going to couples counselling feeling that you think she needs fixing, but it does seem that she needs some help understanding that you can't help being ND anymore than you can help your eye colour or the length of your legs. THere must be some books etc out there for people in your situation, could you read them together?

Reply

  • So many people think therapy is about fixing people and making them "right" again, it's not just your wife that has this misunderstanding, I've had similar conversations with parents of young people.

    I guess one way to deal with what your wife hears as opposed to what you say, is to challenge in a similar way to how your therapist would challenge you. So when you say you can't be doing with large social gathering and small talk and she hears it as, we can never socialise with large groups again, as her what she heard you say? Gently remind her that it's not exactly what you said and tell her again what you actually mean, give her some examples, like yes you will go to a wedding, but not a work do or something.

    I wonder if some couples therapy wouldn't be a good idea too as she seems to have not only unrealistic expectations of what therapy is for, what it does and how it works, but that she has her own issues. I'm guessing you've been together a while, she needs to realise you're the same person she married and your feelings haven't changed, life has changed, you're both older etc.

    She may reject the idea of going to couples counselling feeling that you think she needs fixing, but it does seem that she needs some help understanding that you can't help being ND anymore than you can help your eye colour or the length of your legs. THere must be some books etc out there for people in your situation, could you read them together?

Children
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