Consequences of a meltdown

I don't think you have lost her forever, but you need to sort yourself out, get the diagnosis and get some mitigation strategies in place.  It sounds like you had a full blown one.  I am 50 and thankfully full blown meltdowns seldom happen now.  I have my life squared away and have a ton of strategies in place to remove the possibilities as much as possible.  Last major one i had was a couple of years back and even that one only went to about 8 out 10 on my scale (but it still took me an hour to decompress from it).

Blowing up on loved ones happens and if they love you they will allow you back in eventually.  I had a meltdown/blowout with my youngest brother after he called me a loser for pretty much two years solid and this was before I was diagnosed and it culminated in the two of us knocking the hell out of each other during a massive meltdown.  We didn't talk for a year, but have a better relationship now.

I'm afraid until you get your diagnosis and have the piece of paper she will likely not believe you and even after might not.  At the same time it sounds like she was pushing your buttons too. It's just going to take time to repair things.  But the main thing you need to do is sort yourself out, physically, mentally and only then do you start to try and reestablish a relationship with your daughter.  There is no point in sorting things out to only have another meltdown which results in going back to square one.

You need to get your environment in order.  Meltdowns don't happen for no reason, generally there are triggers and you need to find them and eliminate or mitigate them.  Concentrate on calming techniques and learn to allow petty behaviour to flow over you.  As much as I hate to say learn to chill out, that's what you need to do.  Getting angry achieves nothing and can lead to bad outcomes.  So when something triggers you, take some deep breaths and learn to say "whatever" and leave that situation in favour of something more calming.  Don't allow yourself to reach full meltdown.  Guide yourself away from it and find somewhere to calm down.  If you imagine the meltdown level to be 1 (an annoyance) to 10 (full blown loss of control), aim to never go beyond 5.  If you do go beyond, then walk away from that situation and take some really deep breaths before it gets out of control.  Find somewhere quiet and away from people, could be your bedroom, in a car, just anywhere away from others.

With time they happen less and you establish routines and coping mechanisms to ensure they don't surface.  But it takes time.  Once you get your diagnosis it will hit you hard.  Getting the ADHD diagnosis is a bit easier.  I used to take diazepam for meltdowns and anxiety, nowadays I don't.  it does get better with time.

Thank you. I agree with everything you have said and I thank you for taking the time to respond.  I'm feeling very numb and out of sorts lately but I agree that unless I sort myself out, something my daughter has said, there's no point in even trying to reconcilate. If I'm honest I don't know who or where to go to get help. It feels that when you are diagnosed that's it! From experience with my other 2 daughters who are both autistic we have been left to fend for ourselves.

Thank you.

So your daughter is not closed to the possibility, if you do something about control. So that's the answer to your question.

If you are stressed you go into fight/flight mode. This means reasoning becomes compromised. So you need to avoid getting stressed and disregulated.

You need to get better at watching for signs of stress and if you are getting close to the edge. The amount of tolerance you have before you get to this point will vary depending on what sort of day you're having, whether you're hungry, thirsty, in a difficult location with noise, lights, other people. If you feel it coming you have to be able to stop, walk away, take 10 minutes or whatever, do some breathing and calm down. 

You may well run each other up the wrong way when talking. It may be better when you get there to do initial communication in writing. Something with a time delay so you are not pressured and can think about the responses calmly. If you get worked up, then wait a few hours or till the next day.

Are you able to tell when you are stressed? Things like shoulders raised, chest rather than diaphragm breathing, eyes slightly squinting, elevated heart rate it heart bearing stronger, knot under sternum, feeling sick or no appetite. I have started wearing a cap indoors at home, i know it sounds daft, but it calms me, the ceiling lights were getting to me. Could also be clothing.

You may need a diary to look for patterns. 

Tea is calming in general, camomile in particular. Dark chocolate, a few squares not the whole bar, light exercise like a walk or gardening, the same.

No one will be able to tell you for sure since only you know what your nervous system is doing.

While you wait for the assessment if you haven't already you could do some of the tests to see the likelihood of ADHD or others for yourself. 

So your daughter is not closed to the possibility, if you do something about control. So that's the answer to your question.

If you are stressed you go into fight/flight mode. This means reasoning becomes compromised. So you need to avoid getting stressed and disregulated.

You need to get better at watching for signs of stress and if you are getting close to the edge. The amount of tolerance you have before you get to this point will vary depending on what sort of day you're having, whether you're hungry, thirsty, in a difficult location with noise, lights, other people. If you feel it coming you have to be able to stop, walk away, take 10 minutes or whatever, do some breathing and calm down. 

You may well run each other up the wrong way when talking. It may be better when you get there to do initial communication in writing. Something with a time delay so you are not pressured and can think about the responses calmly. If you get worked up, then wait a few hours or till the next day.

Are you able to tell when you are stressed? Things like shoulders raised, chest rather than diaphragm breathing, eyes slightly squinting, elevated heart rate it heart bearing stronger, knot under sternum, feeling sick or no appetite. I have started wearing a cap indoors at home, i know it sounds daft, but it calms me, the ceiling lights were getting to me. Could also be clothing.

You may need a diary to look for patterns. 

Tea is calming in general, camomile in particular. Dark chocolate, a few squares not the whole bar, light exercise like a walk or gardening, the same.

No one will be able to tell you for sure since only you know what your nervous system is doing.

While you wait for the assessment if you haven't already you could do some of the tests to see the likelihood of ADHD or others for yourself.