I am 53 and waiting for an autism and ADHD assessment. I disgust myself and am feeling so ashamed. I've had huge meltdowns my whole life and I understand now that they are likely to be autistic meltdowns. I scream, shout, kick and punch walls, I just want to punish myself and only ever want to hurt myself but the worse thing is I can't stop saying awful things. I don't mean what I say but I just can't stop myself. I can hear myself and can never recall what I've said. This time my amazing, beautiful 21 yr old bore the brunt. This happened 2 years ago when she was 19 and she's cut all contact with me. She was back from university and I asked her to wash up. She said she'd do it later, that was it. I just flipped. I told her I hated her, she's awful and just like her father. She laughed and ridiculed my 'tantrum' as she called it and then I threw her things out of the door. She has lived with my parents since and it's killing me. I've tried begging for forgiveness but she belittles the possibility of autism and suggests it is just a pathetic excuse for my behaviour. I said horrendous things and she did too in response but I don't know what to do. I had a heart attack known as 'broken heart syndrome ' and have been very poorly. She knew I was ill but told my other daughters that I could die. I don't know if I can carry on without her. Any advice? I fear I've lost her forever. Thank you, Sarah