Consequences of a meltdown

I don't think you have lost her forever, but you need to sort yourself out, get the diagnosis and get some mitigation strategies in place.  It sounds like you had a full blown one.  I am 50 and thankfully full blown meltdowns seldom happen now.  I have my life squared away and have a ton of strategies in place to remove the possibilities as much as possible.  Last major one i had was a couple of years back and even that one only went to about 8 out 10 on my scale (but it still took me an hour to decompress from it).

Blowing up on loved ones happens and if they love you they will allow you back in eventually.  I had a meltdown/blowout with my youngest brother after he called me a loser for pretty much two years solid and this was before I was diagnosed and it culminated in the two of us knocking the hell out of each other during a massive meltdown.  We didn't talk for a year, but have a better relationship now.

I'm afraid until you get your diagnosis and have the piece of paper she will likely not believe you and even after might not.  At the same time it sounds like she was pushing your buttons too. It's just going to take time to repair things.  But the main thing you need to do is sort yourself out, physically, mentally and only then do you start to try and reestablish a relationship with your daughter.  There is no point in sorting things out to only have another meltdown which results in going back to square one.

You need to get your environment in order.  Meltdowns don't happen for no reason, generally there are triggers and you need to find them and eliminate or mitigate them.  Concentrate on calming techniques and learn to allow petty behaviour to flow over you.  As much as I hate to say learn to chill out, that's what you need to do.  Getting angry achieves nothing and can lead to bad outcomes.  So when something triggers you, take some deep breaths and learn to say "whatever" and leave that situation in favour of something more calming.  Don't allow yourself to reach full meltdown.  Guide yourself away from it and find somewhere to calm down.  If you imagine the meltdown level to be 1 (an annoyance) to 10 (full blown loss of control), aim to never go beyond 5.  If you do go beyond, then walk away from that situation and take some really deep breaths before it gets out of control.  Find somewhere quiet and away from people, could be your bedroom, in a car, just anywhere away from others.

With time they happen less and you establish routines and coping mechanisms to ensure they don't surface.  But it takes time.  Once you get your diagnosis it will hit you hard.  Getting the ADHD diagnosis is a bit easier.  I used to take diazepam for meltdowns and anxiety, nowadays I don't.  it does get better with time.

I don't think you have lost her forever, but you need to sort yourself out, get the diagnosis and get some mitigation strategies in place.  It sounds like you had a full blown one.  I am 50 and thankfully full blown meltdowns seldom happen now.  I have my life squared away and have a ton of strategies in place to remove the possibilities as much as possible.  Last major one i had was a couple of years back and even that one only went to about 8 out 10 on my scale (but it still took me an hour to decompress from it).

Blowing up on loved ones happens and if they love you they will allow you back in eventually.  I had a meltdown/blowout with my youngest brother after he called me a loser for pretty much two years solid and this was before I was diagnosed and it culminated in the two of us knocking the hell out of each other during a massive meltdown.  We didn't talk for a year, but have a better relationship now.

I'm afraid until you get your diagnosis and have the piece of paper she will likely not believe you and even after might not.  At the same time it sounds like she was pushing your buttons too. It's just going to take time to repair things.  But the main thing you need to do is sort yourself out, physically, mentally and only then do you start to try and reestablish a relationship with your daughter.  There is no point in sorting things out to only have another meltdown which results in going back to square one.

You need to get your environment in order.  Meltdowns don't happen for no reason, generally there are triggers and you need to find them and eliminate or mitigate them.  Concentrate on calming techniques and learn to allow petty behaviour to flow over you.  As much as I hate to say learn to chill out, that's what you need to do.  Getting angry achieves nothing and can lead to bad outcomes.  So when something triggers you, take some deep breaths and learn to say "whatever" and leave that situation in favour of something more calming.  Don't allow yourself to reach full meltdown.  Guide yourself away from it and find somewhere to calm down.  If you imagine the meltdown level to be 1 (an annoyance) to 10 (full blown loss of control), aim to never go beyond 5.  If you do go beyond, then walk away from that situation and take some really deep breaths before it gets out of control.  Find somewhere quiet and away from people, could be your bedroom, in a car, just anywhere away from others.

With time they happen less and you establish routines and coping mechanisms to ensure they don't surface.  But it takes time.  Once you get your diagnosis it will hit you hard.  Getting the ADHD diagnosis is a bit easier.  I used to take diazepam for meltdowns and anxiety, nowadays I don't.  it does get better with time.

Thank you. I agree with everything you have said and I thank you for taking the time to respond.  I'm feeling very numb and out of sorts lately but I agree that unless I sort myself out, something my daughter has said, there's no point in even trying to reconcilate. If I'm honest I don't know who or where to go to get help. It feels that when you are diagnosed that's it! From experience with my other 2 daughters who are both autistic we have been left to fend for ourselves.

Thank you.