My son's behaviour

I really liked outraged's last couple of contributions. His militant tendency approach can sometimes hide the fact that he really gets what is going on and knows what might work.

can i ask if you, Charu, have tried a local parent support group? I suspect that being able to share your problems with others in the same boat might help.

have you also looked into the courses that are available for parents of autistic children? I've seen these mentioned on a couple of recent threads and they sound like a good thing.

otherwise, i would support outraged's suggestions of avoiding escalating things and staying unreasonably calm, reasonable and consistent.

Previously in the thread, I glibly associated a refusal to wear his glasses to be a hypersensitivity issue which still seems to me to be the likely cause. Have you had oppertunity to experiment with different coatings?

However, it occurs to me that it might be that the glasses do not match the childs self-image. You could try talking about a trip to the optitions to have new glasses fitted as an oppertunity. "You'll look very smart in your new glasses..." Have the child involve himself in the choosing of frames and styles that suit him. Allow him complete freedom in this aesthetic choice, even if you think his selection appears rediculous, as you are asking him to incorperate this item into his identity he needs to be totally comfortable with them and how they efect his appearance.

Now the controversy has abated, lets return to the issue at hand, which clearly must be facilitating better communication and understanding between parent and child.

In a previous post, I refered to the necessity of reducing the childs perception of tyrrany. This is not to say that the parent is behaving like a tyrant. It is likely that a NT child would see no suggestion of excessive authority in the situation. But NTs see the world differently to persons with a spectrum variance. Specifically, with an NTs greater ability to exchange empathy, the excersise of parental authority causes them to feel comfortably secure, whereas with a lesser degree of perception of empathy the identical excersise of authority can seem overbearing and provoke rebellion.

Other authors on this thread have advised stepping back from a developing conflict, and while this is sound advice, it can be taken further. Conflict can be avoided entirely by practicing a non-confrontational communication style. Whereas the child is not actively endangering his life (by trying to drink bleach, play with lighter fluid and matches etc) in which case you naturally do as you must, you should endeavour to make the child aware of the wisest course of action then allow them to chose to take it or to learn from the consequences of willful foolishness. In this way, a conversation that could have run: "Dinner's done. Come to the table!"/"No I'm busy"/"Come here right now!"/"I don't want to!"/"Come to the table or go to your room!"/"I don't have to do what you say! I hate you!"*Stomps to room*Slams door*Goes to bed hungry can instead go: "Dinner's done, are you hungry?"/"No, I'll eat later"/"OK, but dont complain if your gravy goes lumpy"/"Huff! Fine."*Skulks to table*Eats a good meal.

Strive to remember always that it takes two parties taking strongly opposed stances to argue and where you can responsibly allow him to live his own way you can deny him any oppertunity to engage in argument.

Sometimes however you will need to enact parental authority, and formats for doing so can be found that will work for you and your child. You should seek a method that relies as little as possible on personal presence, as such can cause unanticipated distress or invite a contest of presence (shouting match.) Might I suggest that you use a full and formal recitation of the childs name (including any middle names) exclusively when weilding parental authority so he can be clear that you are speaking with a parents authority and require his attention. Having gained your childs attention, you should return immediately to a normal speaking voice, and appealing to reason, explain what is required of the child and why compliance is in the childs best interests.

Hopefully some of this can be applied to your situation with beneficial result.

I stand 100% behind my position. I am not given to abusing parents that come to this forum seeking advice to help their child. read my historic posts. Then reread the thread. The authour is not asking how to help her son, she concerns herself with how her sons behavour affects her:  

"he doesn't listen to me, he runs from room to room and screams when he doesn't want to do what I tell him"

"(it gets embarrassing)"

"I'm getting very tired of his behavior"

"I've not been able to get any respite "

"can anyone give me any ideas...to make him listen"

But assuming she does want to help her son, not herself I'll try to provide some insight:

Try to reduce your sons perception of your tyrrany. He clearly has a measure of oppositional in his autism. Try saying things like "Dinners done, are you hungry?" as opposed to "come here and eat", "Its late, are you tired" rather than "Its your bedtime, go to bed?"

As to the rolling, its compulsive. You cant try to forbid it, but he will likely outgrow it.

As to the glasses. This is a hypersensitivty issue. They irritate his ears or nose. Have you tried different coatings on the parts of the glasses that contact his skin. Or maybe contacts although he probably wont want to put thing in his eyes, and certanly will not tolerate anyone else doing so but you might let him try. Maybe there is a surgical solution to his vision problems that will render the issue moot. 

Oh and cmerrick, reread my post pls, and identify where i said she should not be allowed to keep her child.  What I said was that she needs to improve her attitude or give him up. Is the difference clear? Now ask yourself pls if your current anger is in part informed by my comments on your thread "so close to giving up"

As to how i dare? i ask how i could do otherwise. Someone has to fight this childs corner....

Ok. Didn't mean to gang up on you. I just think everyone - 'NT' or 'autistic' - is equal. :)

Yes, yes i'm getting flamed by everybody, but I feel abolutly no urge to appologise for the fact that my only concern on this forum is the protection of our little brothers and sisters in Autism.

Whereas society continues to classify Autism as disfunction rather than acceptable variance it logically follows that the NT be held to higher standards of acceptable behavour. 

Outraged, having Autism is sometimes difficult and also sometimes good. Being a parent of an autistic child is probably the same. Caring for a child is of course every good parent's priority, but that doesn't mean that all one's own needs and struggles disappear. Perhaps by posting her difficulties on here, the questioner found an outlet for her frustrations without having to take it out on her son. All any parent can do is their best. I want the questioner to know that she is a good enough mother and that she is supported. Only by feeling happy herself can she help her son be happy. Well done to her for caring for her son and doing the best she can, and for being honest about what many people would find hard too. Good for her :)

Thats good to hear, but if it was originally unclear to me, can you be sure its clear to your son? Many of us on the spectrum see the world in absolutes, leading to viewing people as either ally or enemy. You need to be sure to place yourself firmly in your sons ally camp. This can prove difficult as a parent as, for his own good, you need to be able to exercise some parental authority so youll want to state why every instance of parental control is in his interest..."you need to go to bed or you'll be very tired tomorrow"

It's ok, but please remember I wouldn't be on this forum if I didn't care for my son and his future. And I do try to think of his needs first but if I did sound like I was talking about my own problems then I'm sorry (but I'm human).

Maybe some people found my shock and awe style overly confrontational. However, I feel it was important to insure, for the good of the child, that it was understood that his needs be made first priority.

My original post was intended as a draft which I would have edited to a more measured statement including the advice i offered in my subsequent post, but I had to leave a communual IT room at closing time and fire up my slow laptop. My original post was read and responded to in the interval. While I do not retract my postion, I take responsibility for allowing my first draft to be read and for the offense caused.

Sorry

crystal12, thanks for all the info. I think you are right. I need to step back and rethink the way I'm dealing with him. Thanks.

Cmerrick, thanks for sticking up for me.

Outraged, thanks for your comments. But instead of instuling me in the first post could you not have suggested all of this then? And when I'm saying my problems, then my problems are linked with his. As if I say he doesn't want to put his glasses on, it's not foir myself but for him I'm worried incase his eyesight gets worse. Also about the rolling, if I'm embarrased then it's not for myself but for him!! But thanks for your help. Also I'm not a tyrant I only want the best for him.

Outraged, how dare you.

What we have here is a single mother with no experience of dealing with haing an autistic child, obviously trying her best but at her wits end, trying to reach out to a community that might be able to offer her good advice on improving things for both herself and her child, and you barge in unprovoked and tell her she should not be allowed to have her child?  Shame on you sir, Shame. On. You.

Maybe you could keep him gagged, restrained and sedated in the attick in order to avoid embarasment? Or try shouting louder? Maybe you want to try beating him?

Serious advice: You are not fit to parent this child. Your stated concerns are all about you, not about him. Rethink your position or give him up.

Hi, I know it's difficult but can you take a step or 2 back to analyse your son's behaviour + maybe think of a different way of approaching things with him?  You can't "make him listen".  It's possible that he "behaves" at school but then lets all his steam out when he gets home.  This is a common response from autistic children.  Over the years  I've found that my son really doesn't like being told what to do.  Sometimes it's the tone or loudness of voice, sometimes it was because he didn't agree + was really looking fwd to something else.  Therefore disappointment. The 2 biggest things I learnt + it takes time to learn these things, is that I definitely cdn't treat him the same as I wd a neuro-typical (not autistic) child.  It just doesn't work with autistic children.   He'll get a lot of being told what to do at school anyway so may need some of the pressure taken off at home.  Altho he will still v much value a routine he enjoys.  Is his school an autism-specific 1?  What I've found over the yrs that works for my son (an adult now) is slowing things down, never rushing anything, going at a slower pace, waiting longer for a response, helping if he doesn't know what to do or say by making a suggestion but not jumping in immediately.   Understanding his limitations but giving him choices when at all possible.  He greatly values his freedom to choose.  I know he's older than your son but there a little ways you can implement this if you think it's worth a go.  Keeping a calm exterior, even when not feeling calm, because having a strong reaction would undoubtedly make him even more distressed.  It's trying to avoid getting to the point where he throws his laptop and/or has a meltdown.  That's what I mean about taking a couple of steps back mentally + analysing what caused the situation.    About his specs.  I'm assuming there's nothing wrong with the lenses + that the frames aren't too tight/slack?   My son has regular eye tests but hasn't needed specs so far.  I'm not sure how well he'd be able to answer the optician's questions so cd poss end up with lenses that were not as gd as they cd be.  It is absolutely ridiculous that you can't get respite until he's 12.  That's budget cuts, they've looked at their provision, looked at demand, looked at the cost + come up with that figure.   Have you checked the nas home pg to see if there are any parents' groups or other organisations in your area so you cd make contact if you wanted?  I'd keep on at your council + councillors about respite care, regardless of what they say, but I do understand how worn out parents can feel with all the battling, stress etc that affects us.  A good deal of it unnecessary if services were better.  Also, if you haven't ask your council for a carer's assessment so they have a record of your needs which shd include respite.