Who ready for Christmas

I am alone this Christmas. Times are tough.

I don’t want anything, but I think that someone to be here with me, whilst it’s cold, and whilst I can see others getting excited, it would be nice to share even an hour with someone to feel the same excitement that I see going on around me.

I have a little Christmas tree, it’s very nice and nice coloured lights lovely things.

i don’t like christmas.

My 30th Christmas alone. Normally it is ok, I don't mind having a rest from work,. But last Christmas the current burnout started, and is now ending, which has lasted all year and led to my diagnosis. 

Normally I cook a roast. Has been turkey, goose, pork, beef, at various times.  But I don't think I can do it this year. I don't have any food at all at the moment, I need to go shopping next week.

I have a holly wreath on the door, lights in the window, a tree etc. like normal.

I just want it to be over, to be honest. I've never felt like this before. The diagnosis process opened too many memories I am struggling to bury again. Really it's the realisation things didn't need to be this way. Everything was arranged around coping, but I didn't know I was doing it. It felt strange but I didn't think about it.

I thought of going away but I thought it would make me feel worse, and cost a lot. These feelings come and go, they'll pass. Maybe I'll win the lottery. 

You just need something to look forward to. Next year things will be better.

There is no rainbow without the rain, Stuart.

don’t bury the thoughts, hold them tight, yank and rip them from their roots, throw them on the floor, spit on them, stamp on them, and then burn them, never to plague your mind again.

you are capable. Don’t wait for the storm to pass, learn to love dancing in the rain. You are tough, strong, smart. And really good at writing poetry too.

it made me smile when I saw the end of your message, about perhaps you will win the lottery. If you do, keep it all yourself, don’t waste it on people who were only there for you when you did things to please them. They have left you. All of the energy that you wasted, the tears, the blood, the pain, the bruises, the falls, the losses, the time that you’ll never get back. All of that means nothing to them. They don’t care about you and they are not thinking about you. But, when you are winning again, they’ll be back to come and steal from you, like the pathetic, rat, poisonous, gross ingrates that they are.

also, did you see my reply to your flower poem?

If you can, spend it on experiences. This is what will carry you through and make you feel like there was worth to all the work and hardship. That is were life is. 

I give a lot too, I'm not naive about charities, and try to find small ones that will actually make a difference. For me, helping others brings me joy and worth when I can't find any for myself. 

Look forward and know others will be thinking of you and wishing you well on the journey.

William said:

especially because I grew up with nothing, and I still live a very minimalistic lifestyle

I was always wanted to spend money to make a nice home. But just for me it doesn't seem worth it. I guess it is the emotional neglect. I have money piling up as I am not extravagant, except very occasionally.

Now I have understood the past, the idea was to unfreeze my future. Having survived over 1500 weeks in a daze by taking them one week at a time I need to start planning. I have wasted money through negligence.

Anyway January will be better. I think 2025 will be marked as the low point and 2026 the start of my life properly. I hope.

There’s a lot that I could type in my reply, but I keep very private about things. For a reason.

I am very lonely. All of the time. It is something that I find difficult, especially because I grew up with nothing, and I still live a very minimalistic lifestyle.

I am finding stress considerably difficult to deal with, at this moment. And that is all because of something that is completely out of my control…

Circumstance.

I have good days and I have bad days, but I will never give up. No one can ever stop me from going where I know that I am going to end up. Goals are everything to me and my purpose keeps me strong, even when I have little energy left to use.

my faith is also very important to me. I could say more, but I need to rest more.

similar to what you said, I always tell myself if someone was here with me now, to help with the loneliness, will it actually make me feel better? And 9 times out of 10, the answer is no. I am missing the part of my life that needs companionship, but I have a lot to do before I get to that stage.

there’s so many disadvantages to having company too, like the masking that appears, the doubt from others, the unawareness on my part leading to negative feelings. I am also a much more productive person when I am alone. Having people around me, making noise, asking questions, it is too much for me.

Another thing that I tell myself, whenever I am having a difficult day, is “difficult times are the training required to become great”.

There’s a lot that I could type in my reply, but I keep very private about things. For a reason.

I am very lonely. All of the time. It is something that I find difficult, especially because I grew up with nothing, and I still live a very minimalistic lifestyle.

I am finding stress considerably difficult to deal with, at this moment. And that is all because of something that is completely out of my control…

Circumstance.

I have good days and I have bad days, but I will never give up. No one can ever stop me from going where I know that I am going to end up. Goals are everything to me and my purpose keeps me strong, even when I have little energy left to use.

my faith is also very important to me. I could say more, but I need to rest more.

similar to what you said, I always tell myself if someone was here with me now, to help with the loneliness, will it actually make me feel better? And 9 times out of 10, the answer is no. I am missing the part of my life that needs companionship, but I have a lot to do before I get to that stage.

there’s so many disadvantages to having company too, like the masking that appears, the doubt from others, the unawareness on my part leading to negative feelings. I am also a much more productive person when I am alone. Having people around me, making noise, asking questions, it is too much for me.

Another thing that I tell myself, whenever I am having a difficult day, is “difficult times are the training required to become great”.

If you can, spend it on experiences. This is what will carry you through and make you feel like there was worth to all the work and hardship. That is were life is. 

I give a lot too, I'm not naive about charities, and try to find small ones that will actually make a difference. For me, helping others brings me joy and worth when I can't find any for myself. 

Look forward and know others will be thinking of you and wishing you well on the journey.

William said:

especially because I grew up with nothing, and I still live a very minimalistic lifestyle

I was always wanted to spend money to make a nice home. But just for me it doesn't seem worth it. I guess it is the emotional neglect. I have money piling up as I am not extravagant, except very occasionally.

Now I have understood the past, the idea was to unfreeze my future. Having survived over 1500 weeks in a daze by taking them one week at a time I need to start planning. I have wasted money through negligence.

Anyway January will be better. I think 2025 will be marked as the low point and 2026 the start of my life properly. I hope.