Who ready for Christmas

I am alone this Christmas. Times are tough.

I don’t want anything, but I think that someone to be here with me, whilst it’s cold, and whilst I can see others getting excited, it would be nice to share even an hour with someone to feel the same excitement that I see going on around me.

I have a little Christmas tree, it’s very nice and nice coloured lights lovely things.

i don’t like christmas.

My 30th Christmas alone. Normally it is ok, I don't mind having a rest from work,. But last Christmas the current burnout started, and is now ending, which has lasted all year and led to my diagnosis. 

Normally I cook a roast. Has been turkey, goose, pork, beef, at various times.  But I don't think I can do it this year. I don't have any food at all at the moment, I need to go shopping next week.

I have a holly wreath on the door, lights in the window, a tree etc. like normal.

I just want it to be over, to be honest. I've never felt like this before. The diagnosis process opened too many memories I am struggling to bury again. Really it's the realisation things didn't need to be this way. Everything was arranged around coping, but I didn't know I was doing it. It felt strange but I didn't think about it.

I thought of going away but I thought it would make me feel worse, and cost a lot. These feelings come and go, they'll pass. Maybe I'll win the lottery. 

You just need something to look forward to. Next year things will be better.

There is no rainbow without the rain, Stuart.

don’t bury the thoughts, hold them tight, yank and rip them from their roots, throw them on the floor, spit on them, stamp on them, and then burn them, never to plague your mind again.

you are capable. Don’t wait for the storm to pass, learn to love dancing in the rain. You are tough, strong, smart. And really good at writing poetry too.

it made me smile when I saw the end of your message, about perhaps you will win the lottery. If you do, keep it all yourself, don’t waste it on people who were only there for you when you did things to please them. They have left you. All of the energy that you wasted, the tears, the blood, the pain, the bruises, the falls, the losses, the time that you’ll never get back. All of that means nothing to them. They don’t care about you and they are not thinking about you. But, when you are winning again, they’ll be back to come and steal from you, like the pathetic, rat, poisonous, gross ingrates that they are.

also, did you see my reply to your flower poem?

There’s a lot that I could type in my reply, but I keep very private about things. For a reason.

I am very lonely. All of the time. It is something that I find difficult, especially because I grew up with nothing, and I still live a very minimalistic lifestyle.

I am finding stress considerably difficult to deal with, at this moment. And that is all because of something that is completely out of my control…

Circumstance.

I have good days and I have bad days, but I will never give up. No one can ever stop me from going where I know that I am going to end up. Goals are everything to me and my purpose keeps me strong, even when I have little energy left to use.

my faith is also very important to me. I could say more, but I need to rest more.

similar to what you said, I always tell myself if someone was here with me now, to help with the loneliness, will it actually make me feel better? And 9 times out of 10, the answer is no. I am missing the part of my life that needs companionship, but I have a lot to do before I get to that stage.

there’s so many disadvantages to having company too, like the masking that appears, the doubt from others, the unawareness on my part leading to negative feelings. I am also a much more productive person when I am alone. Having people around me, making noise, asking questions, it is too much for me.

Another thing that I tell myself, whenever I am having a difficult day, is “difficult times are the training required to become great”.

Just bought two joints (half leg of lamb and a some Aberdeen Angus beef) on the spur of the moment. I need to get organised.

I did see your reply. Poetry bypasses some of the emotional blocks and lets me integrate things.

The most effective ones describe a scene. The interesting thing is how little you need to say. Your mind fills in the details. I don't describe very much, a few small details. There are no explicitly emotional words. But it feels real. They are getting better. I get prosody, it is just hard to do well.

It may not appeal to all. Some may need another line or two to hook them in, but it will lose something.

I have more that I have not posted, including one that is hundreds of lines long about a dragon. It will take months to write, I want that to be good. I was looking at different poetry styles.

My issue is just that I completely lost my way. I don't really know what I want.

I have been both very lucky and unusually unlucky too. I've done a lot, survived a lot, seen a lot, but it cost a lot. I don't have the home I always dreamed of, or someone to matter to, someone who is proud of me, to share memories with. I shouldn't complain really.I don't really want someone everyday, it is too much, it is just all the romantic escapism fantasy stuff I absorbed. Mostly it doesn't matter, until it does.

I helped my partner who had trauma. They were fixed but it broke me. I didn't know about burnout. I never understood what happened or how so many things fell apart in a few months.

I did see your reply. Poetry bypasses some of the emotional blocks and lets me integrate things.

The most effective ones describe a scene. The interesting thing is how little you need to say. Your mind fills in the details. I don't describe very much, a few small details. There are no explicitly emotional words. But it feels real. They are getting better. I get prosody, it is just hard to do well.

It may not appeal to all. Some may need another line or two to hook them in, but it will lose something.

I have more that I have not posted, including one that is hundreds of lines long about a dragon. It will take months to write, I want that to be good. I was looking at different poetry styles.

My issue is just that I completely lost my way. I don't really know what I want.

I have been both very lucky and unusually unlucky too. I've done a lot, survived a lot, seen a lot, but it cost a lot. I don't have the home I always dreamed of, or someone to matter to, someone who is proud of me, to share memories with. I shouldn't complain really.I don't really want someone everyday, it is too much, it is just all the romantic escapism fantasy stuff I absorbed. Mostly it doesn't matter, until it does.

I helped my partner who had trauma. They were fixed but it broke me. I didn't know about burnout. I never understood what happened or how so many things fell apart in a few months.

There’s a lot that I could type in my reply, but I keep very private about things. For a reason.

I am very lonely. All of the time. It is something that I find difficult, especially because I grew up with nothing, and I still live a very minimalistic lifestyle.

I am finding stress considerably difficult to deal with, at this moment. And that is all because of something that is completely out of my control…

Circumstance.

I have good days and I have bad days, but I will never give up. No one can ever stop me from going where I know that I am going to end up. Goals are everything to me and my purpose keeps me strong, even when I have little energy left to use.

my faith is also very important to me. I could say more, but I need to rest more.

similar to what you said, I always tell myself if someone was here with me now, to help with the loneliness, will it actually make me feel better? And 9 times out of 10, the answer is no. I am missing the part of my life that needs companionship, but I have a lot to do before I get to that stage.

there’s so many disadvantages to having company too, like the masking that appears, the doubt from others, the unawareness on my part leading to negative feelings. I am also a much more productive person when I am alone. Having people around me, making noise, asking questions, it is too much for me.

Another thing that I tell myself, whenever I am having a difficult day, is “difficult times are the training required to become great”.

Just bought two joints (half leg of lamb and a some Aberdeen Angus beef) on the spur of the moment. I need to get organised.