"You have to be understanding"

Maybe reading Toxic Parents, by Dr Susan Forward would help, she tells it like it is and offers some strategies for dealing with toxic parents.

I’m very sorry you have to deal with so many cons of the situation you are in. They definitely do not need to have power over you what so ever and I’m so sorry you are feeling and even being controlled this way. All I could suggest really is to tell them to cut contact and they don’t deserve you (because you are way too good for them) and then maybe change your phone number. Another option is to maybe get a restraining order against them if things get very bad? Just letting you know that you are always most welcome to send me a private message as well if you ever want to chat, I’ll reply asap! 

Thank you for your answer. I think the best and worst I can do is to just tell them, that I will not explain myself and stop responding.  It's best because they lose power over me. Worst because it causes them a meltdown and they get furious and offend me and even get dangerous. So I'm really tempted to just say that and go, but I know there will be consequences. 

You are lucky to have such understanding mother. Mine is not. For her all my problems are my pure imagination and she likes me only if I appear to be similar to her. I'm not sure but I think she shows quite many narcissistic traits.

Only sometimes I have power and wish to talk, yes they abused me a lot and are still not supportive.

I know that feeling and I get really cross about it and have a feeling of being whacked around the head by a wet fish. For me, its compromise, you've got to compromise. Well I thought compromise was both sides giving up some of what they want, so as everybody gets most of what they want, apparently I'm right in theory, but others then feel free to ignore it whilst they get what they want and I get none of what I want.

It sounds like you r family has built a consensus reality around themselves and are trying to draw you into it, you don't want to be there because its bullt on sand and you're the only one who knows it.

It's a horrible situation to be in and I wish I had something wise and clever to say to help, but I can only offer a little understanding.

I think it's okay to set boundaries with phone calls, and say you don't do them. They can message or email to be in contact, but it sounds like calls are distressing so I don't think you need to put yourself through it. You get nothing out of it 

My family is mostly email/WhatsApp etc, I think we all find it easier, but can totally understand when some people enjoy calls and then that's a good thing. 

You have said how horrible they were to you, so if you have to stay in contact as you said previously, do it on your terms.

This is why I see a therapist because I hardly talk to anyone. It can mean people find you reserved or aloof in person. Sometimes you have have to outgrow yourself socially,  and plan more things in, because you can surprise yourself in different situations when you feel less confined and comfortable. Speaking and socialising don’t come easily to me, there was a long time where it affected my confidence. In the same ways not feeling fully accepted socially can lead to esteem and depression problems and a sense of inadequacy. Having children too. The best thing is to throw yourself into whatever it is you want to do/achieve in life. Something which strengthens your identity and positive sense of self. Maybe talk to someone independent from your relatives about how want to express your feelings to them? I was in a relationship nearly married with someone for a long time, until the right people talked me around, sometimes it’s not possible to see the full picture for yourself you need to get a fresh perspective on the problem if you are unhappy.

I’m so sorry you are struggling lately! Feel free to say what you want when you want here as we won’t ever judge you here!

From what I am gathering, these family members seem rather toxic and therefore it may be best to cut contact with them. I can understand that is a very extreme case that but maybe if they are out of your life then you won’t have to feel so judged all the time? I will admit I am unable to break contact myself but I very rarely see my family now, only speak and see my mum as she has been the most caring and understanding out of everyone, though she doesn’t understand it all, she trusts me and believes me and I think that can be helpful. If you don’t want to break contact maybe ask your family members to just at least trust, believe and respect you and your decisions? Sorry if I’ve said this before. 

I also find that when I’m in public or with family members who don’t understand, I tend to mask a lot and as soon as I get home I need to talk to my mum and burst into tears because I’m so drained from masking and looking normal. Say I’ve pestered my mum over the phone a lot today thanks to bully neighbours.

Alien0n3arth said:

I forget everything I wanted to talk about

Keep a notepad with the list of topics by the place you normally have your phone call - update it every night if there is anything to add as part of the bedtime routine. Sorted as you can refer to it throught the conversation.

As for making the calls - set a reminder in your phone, or several in the run up to it if this helps more. Every Thursday at 8pm say - it becomes part of the weekly routine.

Easy peasy, squeezy lemons.

Thank you for your answer. The list of topics seems OK, but these people change topics and talk so much, that I forget everything I wanted to talk about. I only like talking to my grandpa (he is like me) and he doesn't need to talk often. 

The problem with calling them is also that I forget it. If something is not my daily routine,  I forget it. I go to grocery and buy things that I usually get even if i dont need them at the moment and forget, that I hold a list in my hand, where I have written what I should buy. Someone has to remind me to go buy new shoes otherwise I would run to the store only when the sole fell off, it's same with texting or calling someone. I think sometimes,  that I need or have to call someone but I either have no time or energy or both. And next time I remember about it two weeks later.

Alien0n3arth said:

I have to understand that they need to hear more from me, I have to understand that someone would get worried, or they are this and that.

I find it helps to think of keeping up with the family as a bit like fuelling up the car - it is a real pain to do sometimes and you end up smelling of the fumes but it is a requirement to have it running.

Maybe try to have a little checklist of things that have happened or that you can ask about on a notepad just so you can keep them informed and have something to talk about, but have a timer so you have an excuse to end the call after, say 15 mins.

Just say at the start of the call "I have some time free before I need to pop out and wanted to call and catch up - how are you"... Now you have prepped them that you have something to go out for (make up an excuse for it in advance in case you are asked).

You can then power through the talking points so it feels like a satisfyingly full conversation and everybody gets what they need from the call - you get it as short as possible and they feel that you value them enough to call and ask them stuff plus keep them informed of your life.

Allow yourself some decompressing time after and it is about as low hassle as it gets.

That used to be my approach but I've got much better at dealing with the social requirements with practice.