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"You have to be understanding"

Alien0n3arth

I'm wondering, if it's only me or is it a phenomena more often seen in our community. The expectations from others, that I would be the understanding one, the catering to others, accommodating others etc and I have no right to refuse. In fact I found out only as an adult, that I can and in some situations should refuse. Still struggling.  Currently it's my family being offended,  that I stay silent for too long.  Like not calling them few months. Because I have nothing to talk about and I have no energy to talk. My sister is a chatterbox,  half hour of her chatting and my brain gets swollen and shaking. Such people cause me pain really. Even my husband says that I speak too little. He seems to understand better and he is the only one not getting offended,  but there are also quite many misunderstandings. But I give him as much attention as I can. And there is the toddler, my daughter.  She also needs attention.  And then there are my relatives. I keep hearing from them that I'm bad, weird, I have to do something with myself, I have to understand that they need to hear more from me, I have to understand that someone would get worried, or they are this and that. But whenever I try to explain that it's hard to me and I can't cope- I'm tge hysterical one, making it all up etc. And I feel it's all way too much. I can't imagine, how other people find power to socialise. My sister asked me how I wanna find friend, if I can't call her more often than half a year. The thing is- if I had a friend like me, we could sit together,  stimm with our hands, legs or whatever and do some activities next to each other with barely talking. For my sister it's just a weird thing.

Occasionally I find some power to appear more social and at least be there with others,  but it lasts short. Then I hide in my cave again to relax while pacing room. It's been always like this.

In my childhood I was abused and neglected and there are some family members who talked about it privately (I heard that myself) but nobody ever admits it officially,  nobody ever apologised and like always my opinion is not important. Or best - there is no such thing as my opinion or if mine is different than theirs then there is something wrong with me and I have to correct myself. 

Sorry for rant. 

Parents

  • This is why I see a therapist because I hardly talk to anyone. It can mean people find you reserved or aloof in person. Sometimes you have have to outgrow yourself socially,  and plan more things in, because you can surprise yourself in different situations when you feel less confined and comfortable. Speaking and socialising don’t come easily to me, there was a long time where it affected my confidence. In the same ways not feeling fully accepted socially can lead to esteem and depression problems and a sense of inadequacy. Having children too. The best thing is to throw yourself into whatever it is you want to do/achieve in life. Something which strengthens your identity and positive sense of self. Maybe talk to someone independent from your relatives about how want to express your feelings to them? I was in a relationship nearly married with someone for a long time, until the right people talked me around, sometimes it’s not possible to see the full picture for yourself you need to get a fresh perspective on the problem if you are unhappy.

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  • This is why I see a therapist because I hardly talk to anyone. It can mean people find you reserved or aloof in person. Sometimes you have have to outgrow yourself socially,  and plan more things in, because you can surprise yourself in different situations when you feel less confined and comfortable. Speaking and socialising don’t come easily to me, there was a long time where it affected my confidence. In the same ways not feeling fully accepted socially can lead to esteem and depression problems and a sense of inadequacy. Having children too. The best thing is to throw yourself into whatever it is you want to do/achieve in life. Something which strengthens your identity and positive sense of self. Maybe talk to someone independent from your relatives about how want to express your feelings to them? I was in a relationship nearly married with someone for a long time, until the right people talked me around, sometimes it’s not possible to see the full picture for yourself you need to get a fresh perspective on the problem if you are unhappy.

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