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"You have to be understanding"

Alien0n3arth

I'm wondering, if it's only me or is it a phenomena more often seen in our community. The expectations from others, that I would be the understanding one, the catering to others, accommodating others etc and I have no right to refuse. In fact I found out only as an adult, that I can and in some situations should refuse. Still struggling.  Currently it's my family being offended,  that I stay silent for too long.  Like not calling them few months. Because I have nothing to talk about and I have no energy to talk. My sister is a chatterbox,  half hour of her chatting and my brain gets swollen and shaking. Such people cause me pain really. Even my husband says that I speak too little. He seems to understand better and he is the only one not getting offended,  but there are also quite many misunderstandings. But I give him as much attention as I can. And there is the toddler, my daughter.  She also needs attention.  And then there are my relatives. I keep hearing from them that I'm bad, weird, I have to do something with myself, I have to understand that they need to hear more from me, I have to understand that someone would get worried, or they are this and that. But whenever I try to explain that it's hard to me and I can't cope- I'm tge hysterical one, making it all up etc. And I feel it's all way too much. I can't imagine, how other people find power to socialise. My sister asked me how I wanna find friend, if I can't call her more often than half a year. The thing is- if I had a friend like me, we could sit together,  stimm with our hands, legs or whatever and do some activities next to each other with barely talking. For my sister it's just a weird thing.

Occasionally I find some power to appear more social and at least be there with others,  but it lasts short. Then I hide in my cave again to relax while pacing room. It's been always like this.

In my childhood I was abused and neglected and there are some family members who talked about it privately (I heard that myself) but nobody ever admits it officially,  nobody ever apologised and like always my opinion is not important. Or best - there is no such thing as my opinion or if mine is different than theirs then there is something wrong with me and I have to correct myself. 

Sorry for rant. 

Parents
  • Alien0n3arth said:
    I have to understand that they need to hear more from me, I have to understand that someone would get worried, or they are this and that.

    I find it helps to think of keeping up with the family as a bit like fuelling up the car - it is a real pain to do sometimes and you end up smelling of the fumes but it is a requirement to have it running.

    Maybe try to have a little checklist of things that have happened or that you can ask about on a notepad just so you can keep them informed and have something to talk about, but have a timer so you have an excuse to end the call after, say 15 mins.

    Just say at the start of the call "I have some time free before I need to pop out and wanted to call and catch up - how are you"... Now you have prepped them that you have something to go out for (make up an excuse for it in advance in case you are asked).

    You can then power through the talking points so it feels like a satisfyingly full conversation and everybody gets what they need from the call - you get it as short as possible and they feel that you value them enough to call and ask them stuff plus keep them informed of your life.

    Allow yourself some decompressing time after and it is about as low hassle as it gets.

    That used to be my approach but I've got much better at dealing with the social requirements with practice.

Reply
  • Alien0n3arth said:
    I have to understand that they need to hear more from me, I have to understand that someone would get worried, or they are this and that.

    I find it helps to think of keeping up with the family as a bit like fuelling up the car - it is a real pain to do sometimes and you end up smelling of the fumes but it is a requirement to have it running.

    Maybe try to have a little checklist of things that have happened or that you can ask about on a notepad just so you can keep them informed and have something to talk about, but have a timer so you have an excuse to end the call after, say 15 mins.

    Just say at the start of the call "I have some time free before I need to pop out and wanted to call and catch up - how are you"... Now you have prepped them that you have something to go out for (make up an excuse for it in advance in case you are asked).

    You can then power through the talking points so it feels like a satisfyingly full conversation and everybody gets what they need from the call - you get it as short as possible and they feel that you value them enough to call and ask them stuff plus keep them informed of your life.

    Allow yourself some decompressing time after and it is about as low hassle as it gets.

    That used to be my approach but I've got much better at dealing with the social requirements with practice.

Children
  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for your answer. The list of topics seems OK, but these people change topics and talk so much, that I forget everything I wanted to talk about. I only like talking to my grandpa (he is like me) and he doesn't need to talk often. 

    The problem with calling them is also that I forget it. If something is not my daily routine,  I forget it. I go to grocery and buy things that I usually get even if i dont need them at the moment and forget, that I hold a list in my hand, where I have written what I should buy. Someone has to remind me to go buy new shoes otherwise I would run to the store only when the sole fell off, it's same with texting or calling someone. I think sometimes,  that I need or have to call someone but I either have no time or energy or both. And next time I remember about it two weeks later.