So close to just giving up.

I know what you mean about the moodswings - mine can be so extreme (though I'm not Bi-Polar) that I feel like I'm two or more different people in one body.  I'm not of course, but I seem to be very fragmented - there are parts of my character that I must have repressed when I was very unwell and they keep popping up, usually when I'm in a bad way.

Since I got my diagnosis in May this year I've become much more aware of those sides of me, and feel much more vulnerable as a result.  I've also found that at times a stammer and facial tics will manifest - I've never had them before and don't know where they've come from.

I know what you mean about the gag reflex when you're eating, though with me it's not so much the texture it's how anxious or depressed I am.

If I'm moderately depressed my appetite for food disappears completely.  If I'm properly depressed then I don't want to eat andI'll find excuses not to.  If I'm very depressed I feel physically sick at the thought of eating.  If I'm severely depressed then I simply can't swallow solid food.

And of course not eating will make me depressed......

It's a testament to your empathy, human-ness and compassion that you are able, with all you have been through, to see the best in your parents. While this is truly an admirable quality, you also need to not let their skewed views of your condition make you feel like a lesser person - either through a 'whatever' approach or, if you can handle it, confrontation! Continue working at finding your place in life and you can be happy... :-)

On reflection, I see that they were trying to help you with a "tough love" approach, but characterising difficulties attributable to your condition as lazyness and threatening forcefeeding was clearly inappropriate.

I too am glad that your feeling better,and further that you are able to empathise w your parents. However you clearly have issues w their parenting that you need to discuss with them in order to resolve and allow you to move foward without any lingering trace of resentment.

Well done! I'm really pleased to hear that you're back from the depression. :-)

Also glad that you don't regard your parents as criminals! They will only want the best for you and sometimes they'll wish that they had done things differently.

with regards to going to the support group, do your parents have to know where you are all the time? Perhaps you could learn a bit of artful dodging and either tell the, a little white lie or just say that you want to practice being independent and that you have things in your life that are none of their business. They might respect you for expressing some grown up independence. It might also give you some practice in negotiating with them and gently getting them out of your hair more.

Thanks to everyone for the positive feedback.

as everyone can probably guess, i was quite heavily into a depressive moodswing when i made the first post here, all the problems here are true, but perhaps a bit exaggerated by the negative mindset at the time. as to the commenter accusing my parents of child abuse, i would not agree with that at all, beyond their lack of knowledge of mental health issues, they truely are loving, caring and good parents. in my depression induced angry i was too harsh in my assesment of them.

as regards to beating myself up for failures, it's just the way i see things,allowing any of my difficulties related to aspergers to manifest is an unacceptable mental weakness i cannot permit in myself. everything i do and think must be to supress and overcome my flaws, particularly in public. i know it is very unhealthy, but it's a habit i try hard to break.

finally, with regards to finding a therapist/support group, this is something i would consider, but having just finished with university and looking for work, circumstances have me living with my parents. there is no practical way for me to obtain such support and attend it without their knowledge, at which point they would endeavour to get invovled in some way, shape or form. this is something i would rather not happen.

I'm liking the constructive rage. I'm all for defining an Autistic Identity that makes no  reference to the ***** triad of impairments.

But cmerrick you are not a broken or lesser person. Here you'll find lots of people leading worthwhile lives and we're all autistic. We often have to struggle and its never easy but that is because we live in an NT society, not because we are lesser or deficient.

We are different and I know that can be very hard for younger people who need to fit in and belong.

Parental behavour as described is criminal child abuse!! And further, all "social dysfunction" issues are the result of enemy action. You are entitled to express yourself in whatever way you feel comfortable and be accepted and respected, and only subsentient primates feel the need to exclude and abuse the different.

In your position, I would:

a, Join a support group, this will help you with the aquisition of coping strategies

b, Confront your parents and demand an explanation and apology for their criminal behavour

(NAS, this person had a diagnosis and abusive parents. Where was the safeguarding?)

c, Claim a Autism Spectrum Superiority and maintain the doctrine that any dysfunction is a direct result of being a real independant mind surrounded by clones. This may seem an extreem position, but if you commit to it its proves quite difficult for the NT to refute, and the benefit to your self esteem can prove invaluable in overcoming many of the challenges associated with Aspergers. That being said, its not a good idea to publicly claim NTs are cognitivly deficient by their very nature untill you are a competent martial artist and able to secure your own person as the NT resorts to violence very quickly when unable to establish social domance...

Sorry about the rant, but hearing such things makes me very angry!!

I think you need to separate out your Asperger's, the negative, from the positive qualities that make you who you are. This is only my opinion and I accept that other folk with AS will see their condition as a positive, but to me, Asperger's itself is a disability that I would rather not have. Therefore I can relate to what cmerrick is trying to get across; I also have moments where I feel temporarily down about my condition, thinking about all the things my condition currently prevents me from doing - having a relationship, a family, a meaningful job. However I am still a positive person, and the reason is because I focus on what makes me unique - my strengths- and I use them to the best of my ability. So a bad set of cards is rendered not quite so bad after all - I am proactive in seeking out opportunities, challenging myself, pushing myself to breaking point sometimes, all because I want to better myself and enjoy life to the full.

I never define myself by my Asperger's, which is not quite the same thing as my personality. Sure, the Asperger's has helped to mold my personality, and perhaps it has even sharpened some of my innate strengths , through necessity; the Asperger's has put obstacles in my path, and so I have had to learn how to overcome those obstacles. Without AS my life would be a lot easier, and if I could choose, I would not have it. But I accept that I do have it, I accept that there is currently no cure, and I work on what I can change, not what I can't.

I am also fortunate in having many interests, and I enjoy learning about the world. My Philosophy is to see everything as a learning experience, and I think this is why I am a positive person.

My advice is to find what you are good at and what you enjoy, and to try as many different things as possible. This is not easy when you have AS, but it can be possible, and along the way you can start to enjoy life. By challenging yourself, your confidence will also increase.

@recombinantsocks you are great :D

this isn't simple, intuitive obvious or easy. It is hard, challenging and confusing.

You still have issues but I think you can see that it is within your grasp to be positive, optimistic and to take each day as it comes.

I have worked out that i thrive on puzzles and that one of the best puzzles is to try and work out who i am and how i can play the game of life to the best of my ability. 

I have some rules that i have worked out so far

1. It's ok to fail. 90% of my day is unplanned, trying to remember my keys, wallet, pass etc for work. Trying to remember to put the bins out, get to work on time, not to be rude to my boss, etc etc. a lot of the time it doesn't turn out that way and I have to go back over and over. I don't beat myself up every time i forget something, i quietly blame my aspieness and then go back, sort it out and then when i get it right i consciously recognise that something went right.

i don't have more time as i have to get to work now (already a bit late) but i will be happy thinking i have challenged cmerrick's negativity and that i have tried to keep you positive about the day ahead!

[quote user="NAS18906"]

totally agree with Lydia. If you look at her first post on the forum you will see how far someone can go from the whole works of anorexia, anxiety etc. Don't take my word for it but take hers!

Hmm, well i don't know if it is that simple... I still have all those issues...it has only been a few weeks! I am just saying that there is hope. Maybe it is easier to see it for other people sometimes... So I guess our job here is to help other people see the hope that we can see for them? :)

totally agree with Lydia. If you look at her first post on the forum you will see how far someone can go from the whole works of anorexia, anxiety etc. Don't take my word for it but take hers!

i wonder how much of your angst is because you have experienced a lot of this as a teenager rather than because of your aspergers? It's hard to work out what causes what when you are young and having your parents on your case (because that's how 99% of teenagers feel) can make life seem harder than it should be.

You sound ready to start making some adult choices. You are questioning your diet and lots of things in your life. You do have more freedom to decide what to do next. You can decide to experiment some more with different foods. You can decide to experiment with going out and seeing if you can blend in to the adult world without getting bullied. Most adults ignore each other most of the time and they won't speak until spoken to.(it's really not like being at school where you are caged with a bunch of immature psycho types who haven't worked out how to be human yet).

:-)

That was wrong of your parents. I am so sorry that you have been through such difficulties. I want you to know that even though Asperger's can be difficult, I am sure that - with the right understanding of yourself being displayed by yourself and others - you can find a balance in life which helps you to cope and find a way to enjoy life. Remember that you are still an individual whose and abilities are unique. You have something to offer the world which no one else can offer. You are 21. You have a long time still to work out what you can and can't do and to find contentment. You are capable of being happy. You are also now a young adult, so you perhaps have a little more power to override the opinions of your parents. They don't understand your condition, but this doesn't mean that you can't gradually build up an understanding of yourself and find other people who are able to accept and like you for who you are. You are not a second class human. You are part of the tapestry of humanity - an individual with individual difficulties and individual talents. Please don't give up. You are loveable and likeable. You will find people who know how to love you. You will learn how to accept yourself. It won't be easy, but the world would be a poorer place without you in it. And all the idiots who bullied you at school? They were immature, they were kids. They had the problem, not you. xx

Hi,

i went through 56 years not knowing i had Aspergers. I've found the diagnosis useful, positive and helpful. I am trying not to use it as an excuse but i am trying hard to understand how i'm different to NT folk. I think of it as having a different "chip" in my head, like i'm a mac and all the NTs are intel PCs. We're different, not worse or better and i certainly don't feel ill with it. I had stress and depression before i got the dx but that has lifted now that understand what makes me tick.