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So close to just giving up.

cmerrick

Hi, sorry, this is going to be a rant, but i feel i need to vent all this somewhere and this is the only place i feel i can do so.

I am SO FUCKING SICK TO DEATH OF MY ASPERGERS.

just so you all know, the primary problems i have are; social dysfuction, oversensitive reactions to noise, a serious food phobia and general anxiety.

all knowledge of my mental illness was kept from me by my parents until i was going to college and it came up in the course interveiw when i was 16, until that i had never heard of aspergers or even autism. their reasoning was that had i known about it when i was younger, i would have used it as a get out clause for my actions. while i can understand the logic of this, it also ment i went through all of primary and secondary school being bullied when ernestly trying to fit in while saddled with a social disorder i didn't even know i had, so that was fun. though to this day (i am now 21) my parents veiws on my aspergers is that if it is affecting me, it's because i'm being lazy and not trying hard enough. the only times they do care is when it can be used to gain something, such as extra unviersity funding, when they call it a "card to play".

my diet is limited very strongly to mostly bread-stuffs, dairy products and some potato based foods, with some exceptions, the textures of most foods being such that i phsyically cannot bring myself to put such things in my mouth, or when i do, my gag reflex goes into overdrive to make me spit it back out. like most other problems in my life, the approach this was met with was force. frequently being forced to remain seated at the dinner table until i had eaten whatever i was given, sometimes with threats for force feeding. i'm sure the pavlovian effect of those events did nothing to help the issue in the long run.

but in spite of all that, i'm fat. why? because in response to the anxiety of just everyday life, i comfort eat, i try my best not to, but i do. and i hate myself for it, so i eat more, and hate myself, so i eat, and it turns into a mobious strip that is the life of a 16, paranoid, shame train wreck of a worthless human being.

Suffering from aspergers is a curse and a penance, no mincing, sugar coated words of the mental health propadanga machine, There is NO upside to having the mis-fortune to be selected by whatever *** god controls this world to spend the only life granted to us before unending oblivion as a broken, lesser person, doomed to suffer with what others find commonplace!

Parents

  • I think you need to separate out your Asperger's, the negative, from the positive qualities that make you who you are. This is only my opinion and I accept that other folk with AS will see their condition as a positive, but to me, Asperger's itself is a disability that I would rather not have. Therefore I can relate to what cmerrick is trying to get across; I also have moments where I feel temporarily down about my condition, thinking about all the things my condition currently prevents me from doing - having a relationship, a family, a meaningful job. However I am still a positive person, and the reason is because I focus on what makes me unique - my strengths- and I use them to the best of my ability. So a bad set of cards is rendered not quite so bad after all - I am proactive in seeking out opportunities, challenging myself, pushing myself to breaking point sometimes, all because I want to better myself and enjoy life to the full.

    I never define myself by my Asperger's, which is not quite the same thing as my personality. Sure, the Asperger's has helped to mold my personality, and perhaps it has even sharpened some of my innate strengths , through necessity; the Asperger's has put obstacles in my path, and so I have had to learn how to overcome those obstacles. Without AS my life would be a lot easier, and if I could choose, I would not have it. But I accept that I do have it, I accept that there is currently no cure, and I work on what I can change, not what I can't.

    I am also fortunate in having many interests, and I enjoy learning about the world. My Philosophy is to see everything as a learning experience, and I think this is why I am a positive person.

    My advice is to find what you are good at and what you enjoy, and to try as many different things as possible. This is not easy when you have AS, but it can be possible, and along the way you can start to enjoy life. By challenging yourself, your confidence will also increase.

Reply

  • I think you need to separate out your Asperger's, the negative, from the positive qualities that make you who you are. This is only my opinion and I accept that other folk with AS will see their condition as a positive, but to me, Asperger's itself is a disability that I would rather not have. Therefore I can relate to what cmerrick is trying to get across; I also have moments where I feel temporarily down about my condition, thinking about all the things my condition currently prevents me from doing - having a relationship, a family, a meaningful job. However I am still a positive person, and the reason is because I focus on what makes me unique - my strengths- and I use them to the best of my ability. So a bad set of cards is rendered not quite so bad after all - I am proactive in seeking out opportunities, challenging myself, pushing myself to breaking point sometimes, all because I want to better myself and enjoy life to the full.

    I never define myself by my Asperger's, which is not quite the same thing as my personality. Sure, the Asperger's has helped to mold my personality, and perhaps it has even sharpened some of my innate strengths , through necessity; the Asperger's has put obstacles in my path, and so I have had to learn how to overcome those obstacles. Without AS my life would be a lot easier, and if I could choose, I would not have it. But I accept that I do have it, I accept that there is currently no cure, and I work on what I can change, not what I can't.

    I am also fortunate in having many interests, and I enjoy learning about the world. My Philosophy is to see everything as a learning experience, and I think this is why I am a positive person.

    My advice is to find what you are good at and what you enjoy, and to try as many different things as possible. This is not easy when you have AS, but it can be possible, and along the way you can start to enjoy life. By challenging yourself, your confidence will also increase.

Children
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