Managing relationship with Autistic spouse

Yes, that sounds familiar, although maybe to a slightly greater extreme with your wife. Empathy and understanding are tricky for autistic people. As Martin says, it is there, but it isn't displayed in maybe the way you would expect or desire. Have you heard about love languages? You could read a bit about love languages and see if you can figure out what your wife's is.

My other thought is, is she having any form of therapy? Talking this stuff over with a therapist who is either well versed in autism or, ideally, autistic themselves, can be very useful. It may be that your wife recognises that aspects of her autism are causing relationship difficulties but doesn't know what to do about that.

Hi and welcome. There is an article on this website that you may find useful:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/partners

It is useful to know that most autistic people are empathetic, indeed they can be too empathetic. However, the way that autistics display empathy can be very different than that shown by allistic (non-autistic) people. As an example, an autistic person can react to someone else's distress by freezing, they feel huge empathy, but do not know what to do about it and their empathy is overwhelming to them. Personally, I tend to react to someone in distress by asking them about what is causing the distress and giving them the best advice I can think of to mitigate their upset feelings. The empathy and the desire to help is there, but I cannot do the 'hug and there-there' type response that is typical of allistics. Essentially, I find it impossible to tell someone it will be alright, if I do not know that it will, an extreme example of autistic unwillingness to lie.

I would say my biggest difficulties are communication and receiving empathy or understanding. I find all communication so difficult. I’ve never found it so difficult. From the smallest conversation to the biggest. I find it draining. I feel like I’m constantly “mopping up”. Whether it’s with the kids, with wider family, with the public. Cleaning up mess that she’s caused. She doesn’t take on anything I say. But she will take on what strangers say or her family says. She is very one track minded with very little room for negotiation or any flexibility. And I’m always giving in. It’s tiring. 

Thank you. Very useful information. 

Are there any specific difficulties you are having? Every autistic person is different but if you have a few examples I am sure there will be someone else here who recognises them.

Hello and welcome to the community.

TryingMyBest said:

Although a lot of things are starting to make sense, dealing with them is still difficult. I could do with support

The single best thing I think you could do is to get a couples therapist who has a track record of helping couples where one is autistic - and also see if they can take you on individually if needed.

You will need to agree what can be shared with the partner.

This helps you agree what is actually an issue (autists often don't realise what is/isn't) and agree on a way to work towards resolving it. You can use the individual sessions to work on your own issues or dig into specific areas in detail to understand them better.

Expect the sessions to cost about £50+ / hour.

The second best thing it to read up on the situation. The following books may be of use:

Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome_ understanding & connecting with your partner - Ariel, Cindy N (2012)
ISBN 9781608820771

The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome - Maxine Aston (2013)
ISBN 9781849054980

Note that Aspergers is a slighty older name for high functioning autism (it changed in 2013) so these are all relevant.

If you want to understand more about specific details of autism then the following guide is useful and easy to access:

Autism For Dummies (2025) - ISBN 9781394301003 (paberback); ISBN 9781394301027 (ebook)

In general it helps to be explicit with your questions, make sure your partner has plenty of opportunities to ask their own questions (ie explicitly ask them if they want to know more or aer unsure) and try to be as non judgemental as you can.

We tend to "mask" a lot so don't assume that because she has always done something that it what she likes - people pleasing is another common issue we have and we do it to go with the flow.

It can be a difficult journey but it is worth it.

You can also ask here about anything you are curious about or even to vent - just remember to tell us if the questions are rherortical or you will get an answer.