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Managing relationship with Autistic spouse

TryingMyBest

Hi everyone, I’m in a relationship with someone diagnosed with level 1 high functioning ASD very recently, female and in their 40s. I’m having a lot of struggles. Although a lot of things are starting to make sense, dealing with them is still difficult. I could do with support. Any advice from anyone or any support groups out there?

Parents

  • Are there any specific difficulties you are having? Every autistic person is different but if you have a few examples I am sure there will be someone else here who recognises them.

  • in reply to McFrost

    I would say my biggest difficulties are communication and receiving empathy or understanding. I find all communication so difficult. I’ve never found it so difficult. From the smallest conversation to the biggest. I find it draining. I feel like I’m constantly “mopping up”. Whether it’s with the kids, with wider family, with the public. Cleaning up mess that she’s caused. She doesn’t take on anything I say. But she will take on what strangers say or her family says. She is very one track minded with very little room for negotiation or any flexibility. And I’m always giving in. It’s tiring. 

  • in reply to TryingMyBest

    Yes, that sounds familiar, although maybe to a slightly greater extreme with your wife. Empathy and understanding are tricky for autistic people. As Martin says, it is there, but it isn't displayed in maybe the way you would expect or desire. Have you heard about love languages? You could read a bit about love languages and see if you can figure out what your wife's is.

    My other thought is, is she having any form of therapy? Talking this stuff over with a therapist who is either well versed in autism or, ideally, autistic themselves, can be very useful. It may be that your wife recognises that aspects of her autism are causing relationship difficulties but doesn't know what to do about that.

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  • in reply to TryingMyBest

    Yes, that sounds familiar, although maybe to a slightly greater extreme with your wife. Empathy and understanding are tricky for autistic people. As Martin says, it is there, but it isn't displayed in maybe the way you would expect or desire. Have you heard about love languages? You could read a bit about love languages and see if you can figure out what your wife's is.

    My other thought is, is she having any form of therapy? Talking this stuff over with a therapist who is either well versed in autism or, ideally, autistic themselves, can be very useful. It may be that your wife recognises that aspects of her autism are causing relationship difficulties but doesn't know what to do about that.

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